This is part of one of my stories that I'm considering finishing. Hope you like it!

(First draft)

Nathaniel's breath came in short gasps. Running away from your planet's top prison without being able to use any magic or supernatural powers was pretty tough, not forgetting that he was out of shape, a 13 year-old, and being chased by the Eklekti, the elite form of guards.
BANG! Sharp darts of iron pierced his skin.
Damn it! Nathaniel thought. They have Drae guns! He winced in pain.
Drae guns looked like a cross between a gun and an electric blue pipe. They shoot out tiny little needles of iron, piercing your skin. It hurts a lot, especially if you are Fae, which is unfortunate for everyone on the planet.
"Nathaniel Marke, if you do not stop now, we will proceed to kill you!" screeched someone on a voice projector.
Great choices thought Nathaniel.
As he thought that, he did something he should have never done-he stopped looking where he was going. Just at that moment, a rock that was sticking up from the ground tripped him.
Sucker, thought the rock.
Nathaniel fell to the ground.The Eklekti caught up with him immediately, and proceeded to trap him with a part magic, part electronically made net.
" Alas, Nathaniel", gloated the feminine voice over the voice projector, " your efforts to escape have failed! We will now proceed to-" The loud voice was replaced with whispers." What is that in the sky?!" she asked some unseen fae beside her.
The unseen fae's voice went unheard, for at that moment, the sky was ripped apart. Nathaniel's bright frost-blue eyes widened when the net mysteriously disappeared. No one noticed Nathaniel get up, because their bodies were quickly running away from him and back towards the prison.
Nathaniel ran in the opposite direction. He fell again because a whole lot of dark matter came through the hole in the sky. Random flashes of lightning bolts of Time, Space, and Dimensions flashed. It was a Data storm.
Nathaniel was having a bad day. Just to add insult, he tripped over another rock, got struck by a bolt of Dimension, Time, and Space, and he disappeared.

I appreciate comments!

Interesting. I liked it, especially the rock. Did you mean "add insult to injury"?

Not quite so sure about that whole data storm. If you maybe gave a little heads up, a forewarning or something of a data storm coming I think it would sound better. I hate it when writers make up stuff just to get their character out of a situation. It always sounds better to me if I know that it wasn't the author's emergency escape button being pushed.

Thanks! I'll keep it in mind!


Hmm, I also find that my story goes along a bit too quickly. I'll try to edit this soon =D

Yeah, true. It does go a bit fast. Add in just a bit more but don't slow it down too much. If you get too de_script_ive (and slow) you'll bore the reader and they won't get a chance to use their imagination. Still, you did a really good job.

I've come up with an awesome idea for a novel too!!I even drew a map and everything. For once I'm actually planning out what I want to happen.

This was amazing! The last paragraph, with the data storm, seemed a bit... I don't know. It just wasn't quite as good as the rest, but I can't put my finger on why. The rest of it was great, though! If that was at the library, I would check it out without question; if it was on a shelf at Barnes and Noble, I would buy it! The story has a lot of potential.
I don't think your writing was rushed at all. Maybe the part about the Data storm was a little too quick, but the rest was PHENOMINAL! Great work!