Author Jones on Bad Poetry and the Open Mic

My back hUUrrts
Like the FALLing RAin

Your HEad sme -- ELLs of
smoked halliBUT and peOnIEs

When Author Jones was a neophyte there were many nights of suffering through the sing-songy-like-staple-gun-to-the-brain pain of hearing bad poetry and prose during open mic nights.

That, my friends, is what an open mic night is for. A safe place to be new at the writing game -- a safe place to suck and then become better. Dr. Jones recognizes that everyone writes useless piffle and sometimes the only way to know is to read the stinky tripe we write out loud – the sound of crickets makes us humble.

Professor Jones urges all new and budding writers to attend such events and for cyrin’ out loud learn how to effectively read out loud. A. Jones is weary of attending readings at bookstores where the author mutters and spits their way through their book leaving the audience stony-faced.

The Jones knows you might befriend a person or six at an open mic who are inspiring and inspired writers… that you will find some brief glory in the lights and that on certain nights you will begin to believe that maybe this whole writing thing is a possibility after all, Dad.

You can truly work on becoming a better performer and writer if you put your mind to it, seek feedback and incorporate it into your next outing – the open mic allows you to skin those sorry sentence structure knees over and over again.

There are several species of open mics that one can attend.

The open mic with only poetry. Do not expect them to make an exception and let you read your short story/book excerpt here – poetry people are very protective of their poetry space, as well they should be.
The open mic with mostly music/film/dance – but for some unknown reason will allow a few readers. Beware this reading, especially if you are a newbie as the crowd may consider reader’s to be an interruption rather than an asset. i.e. not supportive.
The hippie open mic. Anything goes. Can be super fun, if you are in the mood for people to really, man, like really take their time. A. Jones has witnessed acts that range from a gray-bearded man talking about selling warm muffins from the pockets of his safari vest at a Ren fair, to a curly-haired woman reading a graphic poem about how she was a witch, who was stabbed bloody, in a past life.
The open mic with all new readers. Usually there is a spiral notebook at the door where upon you add your name to an interminable list. Jones is not too humble to say that a perfect schadenfreude experience or two has taken place at such events. You will either be encouraged by some people’s lack of writing talent, or repelled. Warning: Author J. read second to the last at one such event that lasted 3 and one half nails-on-a-chalkboard hours.
The open mic that has a sugary sweet variety of reader. This is A.J’s personal favorite. New peeps to commiserate with and experienced peeps to learn from. Now, let’s all hug. It should be said that many famous authors started out by reading at such events. The following point will later be reiterated – they did not, however, stay there – they moved on.

This bouquet of open mic flowers smells pretty sweet, no? Maybe your only aspiration is to get to this level and no one, certainly not Cap’n A.J. would begrudge you that.

Since you’ve traveled some distance to this website about writing AND publishing I’m gonna take wild leap here and say that you are likely searching for more than pub basement reverence. If so, you must consider how long you are going to dip your toes in the inconsistent waters of a come one come all event.

Though, as described above there are many positives to the open mic, the unspoken secrets and danger of these events are…

Abounding undeserved ego stroking.
People kissing your pretty ass, saying how great you are under the guise of being supportive. See #3.
Due to human nature and the fragile shell of being a writer what people really want is for you to tell them how great they are in return.
Many of the writers therein purport to be against “The Publishing Man” all the while praying nightly that they get some sort of book deal.
IF you are truly good some of the others will become passive aggressive toward you when start becoming successful – you will be called things like “sell-out” and “too good for us now” – you are now a threat.
Others may try to sleep with you, hoping that you will either help them get published or b. through osmosis their DNA will be altered in your presence.
All that second hand smoke.

Now, Author Jones would like to be clear that not EVERYONE is like this at open mics – this is only to warn you that this is where the type of person described above dwells (in both senses of the word) for years and years and years.

That’s my main fear for you, my dear reader, that you get stuck in this world and never move beyond it.

Some open mic’s, especially in larger metropolis’s, are filled with superb writers who like to work out sections of their books/short stories/poems in front of a breathing audience. Good Lord The A to the J knows that writing can be a lonely business. But, again, open mics are not the only place these people speak their wares –

As always Author Jones has got your back. Just want to make sure that you are, in fact, still paddling your bliss canoe in a forward direction, y’all.

Oh yeah… I’m gonna come kick your ass if you read in that sing-songy voice.

STOP IT.