Author Jones Says You're a Lazy Writer
Author Jones reporting for duty. Author Jones speaks for all writers when Author Jones says you are lazy. Slap. Sometimes the truth stings like a stepped on beehive. I know who you are; Author Jones is, after all, just like you.
Author Jones is here, soldier, and Captain A.J. is gonna kick some big, gaping holes in each and every one of your little self-agonizations that keep words from filling your screen or spiral.
Be puppy dog honest, now—have you ever stepped foot down any of these shame spirals… Author Jones accepts no excuses.
Not inspired, not ready. Who is? Like my fortune cookie read at the finish of AJ's meal at Red Moon, “It is the rare individual who is inspired without first taking action.” The orange dust from Cheetoh’s offers no secrets, nor will a Ben & Jerry Phish Food binge prove to be your collective muse. The only thing this will accomplish is the forced learning of creative ways to close your pants. Author Jones would be hard-pressed to find a single successful writer who hasn’t at some point said, “I have to write a lot of crap before I write something good.” And sometimes amongst the flies that swirl said crap we find a buzzing thorax oozing with inspiration. A thorax may be just what you need, but you can’t attract flies unless you… you get the idea. Author Jones could write a novel from that thorax… yes, you should consider that a challenge. Go. Go. GO forth and be bad all over the place.
My ideas are stupid. To this I give the sassy twelve-year olds response: So what? Author Jones has gleefully pursued many a stupid idea—turns out that pursuing them has not made A. Jones die, get cancer or lose friends. Author Jones has a non-disclosure agreement with her/his computer. It is a fact that if “stupid” ideas were not followed after we’d still be staring at a wheel-shaped rock wondering if Zog will soon return home with pterodactyl eggs. So, stop it, you—challenge your sorry excuse self to write the most insipid paragraph, story or whatever—break the mold and eat it—get out of the box—stop trying to be perfect—flaws are what make for juicy verbiage. Two laps around your Harry Potter books.
My computer is not unlike a sloth. Linda Barry wrote her novel, Cruddy, with a paintbrush on a legal paper, sucker. A paintbrush. How slow is that?--bristles have no ram. By the way her book ends up on many a person’s top ten lists… so put that in your brain and think it. Drop for 200 words in 15 minutes.
The kitchen/bathroom/bedroom is a mess, the laundry needs to be done and the dishes cleaning button needs pushing. Cap’n A.J. knows this one—regretfully A. Jones once told a friend he/she was unwilling to write due to the shame of tousled bed, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for this pitiful excuse. Go outside, grab a handful of dirt and dump it on the kitchen floor. Now, pack up your spiral notebook or laptop and go outside. Go to a koffee shoppe, laundro-mat, nook/cranny, or a picnic/mall bench. Author Jones does not discriminate. Get away from the other areas in your life where you procrastinate. Or, play a little reverse psychology on yourself. Next time you catch yourself cleaning the floor (where did the big pile of dirt come from?) think, wow, I really should write that novel I’ve been saying that I will write for the past 100 years. 14 pencil raises, practice resistance as you lift up and down.
What if my writing is stanky and bugly. Author Jones is stanky and ugly and that doesn’t stop her/him. What if your writing is worse than maggots on a hamhock? Then, if you are really bad and some of you, maybe a hefty portion you, might be rotten —but, isn’t it better to find out? Then you can move on and return to viewing Dancing With the Stars knowing you tried. And, what are you gonna do if you have some promise? That’s exciting. You would’ve never known. Either way it’s a win, win and win situation. Also, as a good-friend-for-the-length-of-a-bus-journey once said to Author J., “You are not important enough to worry about such things, no one knows who you are”. Put A Million Little Pieces in one hand and The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things in the other and do five curls.
I’m not good at grammar at. Grammar is a controllable factor. Do you grok what Author Jones is saying—grammar is merely book learnin’, writing has more of an ethereal component. Unless your significant other is a teacher who grades your phone messages, who the hell is watching over your shoulder scolding you for not using the proper form of “there”? Get the ideas out, spew them out and worry about reconstituting it into a delicious meal later. Read, Woe is I, Bird by Bird, or Eats, Shoots and Leaves, take a community college class in grammar, get a workbook. Grammar and spelling are the very least of your worries. Writing is a p-r-o-c-e-s-s and if you worry about the results before you start then you better turn your attentions to betting at the track.
I’m outta gin. Author Jones enjoys a Gin Fizz* on occasion. I’m not saying drinking and writing is verboten, but it would be woefully scandalous to “recommend” this practice. If you are relying on gin to get you through chapter 6 then perhaps it is time to consider taking your writing breaks at an AA meeting—the 12 steps offer light exercise and a path to gin-free glory. Besides you wouldn’t want to achieve a cluster of those nasty gin blossoms round the bulb of your nose, now would you? Give me ten minutes of free writing with a crayon.
The temperature is too hot. Is this really your excuse? If it is, then you should not be a writer. Author Jones offers a hug and a link.
Gotta check my email. Author Jones is very important, too. But, if Oprah, Stephen Colbert, Sarah Vowell and Madonna, all of whom travel and perform in multi-media events can eek out the time to scribe tomes, then c’mon you—also, Author Jones is going to put a buffalo head on the table that they all get a passel and half more email than you—you still want Author Jones to call the Waaaambulence? Open your window and scream, “I’m Mad as Hell and I Can’t Take it Anymore”.
Author Jones realizes that there are myriads of myriad other excuses, but they all lead to the same end: you cannot determine the quality and ride of a car until it is built.
*Gin Fizz Recipe
Ingredients:
Scale ingredients to servings
2 oz gin
juice of 1/2 lemons
1 tsp powdered sugar
carbonated water
Directions:
Shake gin, juice of lemon, and powdered sugar with ice and strain into a highball glass over two ice cubes. Fill with carbonated water, stir, and serve.
|
