“I’m sorry,” Lucas said again. He’d apologized several times since I’d asked about Clarke. Despite his relation to the Cross family, the man genuinely knew less about them than I did. He had learned, at least at some point, that Matthew was his father. But that was just a name, and that was the extent of it. He’d never heard of Clark. Or Melody, for the matter. I supposed that made sense. Margaret hadn’t recognized Lucas, even if they were cousins.

  It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know the name. Still, he apologized. He genuinely did want to help, and it seemed to hurt him when he couldn’t. It was a simple question, and one I thought would be answered fairly quickly. Whether he knew the answer or not. He was so ready to carry guilt over something so small. Perhaps because the guilt he already had was so much harder to face. For the sins he’d helped Vitinia with.

  But I didn’t need an apology. I needed forgiveness. His eagerness to offer the former only gave his silence on the latter a sharper edge. But I couldn’t push for it. I knew I didn’t deserve it. As such, every ‘sorry’ just deepened a sense of shame, already lodged in my soul.

  But maybe that was why I needed him. I’d needed Margaret because… well, because I needed anyone at all. I couldn’t be alone anymore. But I never stopped fearing her. I wondered if she felt the same shame when she was around me. Lucas… I needed him for the same reason. But I needed him more than Margaret. Not because I didn’t fear him, but because I’d started to change.

  I’m not exactly sure when it started. When I spoke with Chandara—and learned about the spell my grandmother had left me with, I suppose. I didn’t think that was possible. To affect someone with a spell from so far away. But I’d learned that from the woman who cursed me. And the soul magic ruining Beddenmor had challenged everything. Either way, I was growing to hate my grandmother more than I hated myself. And when I spent time with Junia, and Millie, and Harrison. I was sometimes forgetting to loathe myself entirely.

  That was what Luke was for. I was starting to realize that… even if I never found Cammilla… I might have somewhere left. Where I still wanted to be alive. But I had fresh blood on my hands. I needed a reminder that… even if I could learn to like who I was—even a little bit—I couldn’t forget what I’d done, and what I was capable of. I needed to remember my mistakes. I needed to remember that I couldn’t be trusted. And every time Lucas said he was sorry… well. There was no risk that I would start to trust myself again.

  I remembered. I was slowly turning my anger more toward my grandmother than myself. And I was quickly growing attached to the people of the city. But I still needed redemption. And the proof of that was apologizing to me.

  I couldn’t answer as I descended the stairs and made my way into the tavern. There weren’t as many people as there should have been, but it wasn’t abandoned either. Livia, Marcus, and a few others were still setting up for a wedding which was, reportedly, days away. I needed them to speak comfortably with me, so talking to myself would have been ill-advised. Lucas knew I wasn’t upset anyway. He just… didn’t know what else to say.

  I suspected I would have an answer to my question soon, in any case. Three names had been in Matthew’s Will. Margaret, Vitinia, and Clarke. The first two had changed the loop in different ways. But this loop was nearly identical to the original timeline. At least, as far as I’d been able to tell. It had only been a few hours, and I had only gone to one place. Even so. The only thing that was obviously different was in that tavern. Livia’s wedding plans were completely new.

  Clarke Cross had to be connected somehow. And if he wasn’t, it didn’t matter. Someone was, and they had to be connected to the wedding. I didn’t want to think too hard about how, exactly. That brought up too many unpleasant memories. I glanced around, and Livia caught my eye. She was sitting at a table with Marcus, folding red napkins into swans.

  “Hello again!” she greeted. “Feeling any better? You seemed to be in a bit of a mood this morning.”

  I forced an awkward smile onto the corner of my mouth. I examined the red and white silks and decorations all over the room. It really didn’t make sense to have all of this done so early. That only made me more nervous.

  “Um, yes, sorry about this morning. I’ve just had a rough week, I guess,” I replied. She nodded sympathetically, even as she continued folding her napkin swans.

  “A lot of that going around lately, “ she sighed.

  “Of course there is,” Marcus grumbled. “Not a lot of people are exactly enjoying the Quiet.”

  “Oh, hush, you said you’d save all that nonsense for after the wedding,” Livia rebuked. She then looked back at me with a smile. “Speaking of, you are welcome to attend if you like! It might be just the pick-me-up you need. You can even just come to the reception, if you prefer. I know people mostly come for the party.”

  My return smile likely looked as much like a grimace as it felt. Thankfully, Livia was kind enough to refrain from pointing it out.

  “Livia is getting married? To whom?” Lucas asked. I hadn’t realized he knew her, but she did run what was likely the only bar in the city. It was very likely that everyone knew her. Still, I couldn’t answer him. So I focused on Livia instead.

  “Um, that’s very kind of you,” I answered. “But I’m really not much fun at parties. Instead, I did have a couple of questions, if that’s alright? I’m looking for someone.”

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  “Your sister, right? The redhead? You mentioned her last night, but I still don’t remember anyone like that,” Marcus replied.

  Something about that felt strange. I couldn’t remember if I’d asked about Cammie on my first night in town. I thought I had. It was either then or the next morning when I was sent in Hadley’s direction. But I supposed when the loop changed, it always changed before the point when I woke up. Which meant some version of me I didn’t remember may have had a different conversation than I had. That unsettling thought sent a shiver down my spine, so I decided to push the conversation forward.

  “No, actually. Someone else who might be able to help me,” I said. I fixed my eyes on the napkin Livia was folding. The answer seemed obvious, but I had to ask the question anyway. “This might make you laugh, honestly. But I’m looking for a man named Clarke Cross.”

  As I feared, Livia and Marcus both cracked a wide smile. “Not a jilted lover, I hope?” Livia teased.

  “Does Clarke seem like the type of man to have a long line of lovers, Livia?” Marcus asked.

  Livia shrugged. “No, but then again, I fell for him pretty quickly. Maybe he just has that effect on women,” she joked. “Is that what it is, Mars? Does my fiancé just have an animal magnetism?”

  I tried to smile like I was in on the joke, but I could feel how crooked it was. I have never known how to respond to that sort of joke. “If anyone has that effect on me, I haven’t met them yet,” I replied awkwardly. Then I shook my head. “No, I actually haven’t met him at all. I didn’t realize he was, uh… well, I didn’t know this was for him. I guess that’s lucky, in a way. But I knew a relative of his. A man named Lucas. He drowned a few years ago. I don’t think he ever met or knew about Clarke. I don’t know if Clarke knows either, actually. But… well. I just wanted to meet him, if that makes sense?” I replied. There was clear recognition in Livia’s eyes as I mentioned the name Lucas, especially when I said he drowned. But it was paired with enough confusion that it was clear. Livia assumed it was a simple coincidence. I had just gotten into town, after all. I couldn’t know the same man who never left Beddenmor until the day he died.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the dead man in question. “I know you aren’t lying, exactly, but is this really the best way to ask? It’s not honest, either,” Lucas whispered. That was interesting. I hadn’t expected him to take any issue with the way I’d framed it. Then again, I’d never actually met him before. I’d heard his voice, but his mind had been locked away. I didn’t know anything about what he would—or wouldn’t—be okay with. I’d need to explain the truth to him later. That no one would ever believe me, and not just because my story was absurd. My grandmother had written that into my fate, and I couldn’t erase it on my own. Even if that weren’t the case, well. Livia was apparently engaged to the man. I couldn’t open up with an accusation. Or something that sounded like one. Not if I actually wanted an answer.

  Marcus gave me a curious look. “Odd you didn’t bring any of this up last night, Mars. All you told us about was your older sister. And I’m fairly certain we mentioned Clarke,” he said. “I’m not saying you’re lying. I’m just a bit surprised, that’s all.”

  I winced, then shrugged. “I had a really long night, that’s all,” I answered. “I can’t remember if you mentioned him, but maybe that was what reminded me. I really did come here for Camilla, but I realized I could connect with Lucas’ family after we spoke last night.”

  “Oh, don’t pester the poor woman,” Livia rebuked. “It’s not her fault she didn’t immediately remember the name of a man she’d never met. Although, I am interested in how you came to learn about this Lucas person’s connection to Clarke. After he passed, I mean.”

  “It’s a… long story,” I answered. Livia shrugged.

  “Well, if you have time, I’d be happy to hear it. In the meantime, I can tell you that Clarke believes he’s an only child. And his father, Matthew, passed away recently, I’m afraid. You’re welcome to meet him, though. That is, if you can track him down,” Livia answered. I furrowed my brow. So Clarke was Lucas’ half brother, then. I let my eyes drift to the wedding decorations, and she sighed before I asked the question. I asked anyway.

  “Do you… not know where he is?” I asked. Livia stopped folding her napkin and looked up at me.

  “He has a way of disappearing for a few days at a time. I haven’t the faintest idea where,” she answered.

  “I don’t approve, myself,” Marcus cut in. “Especially not with the Quiet. I wish you’d press him to communicate more.”

  Livia clicked her tongue. “You’re one to talk. At least Clarke approached me and expressed his interest. You’re going to fail to communicate until you die alone,” she teased. Marcus rolled his eyes.

  “I do things at my own pace. What some might call a normal pace, actually. Although, I could move a lot faster and still look slow to you. I know I’ve asked before, but are you sure about this?” Marcus replied.

  “You have, and I know I’ve answered before. I’m in love, Marcus. It’s as simple as that. You’re the one who says the Quiet is killing everyone. We might not have enough time left to move at a normal pace. You should worry about that, instead of me,” Livia snapped back.

  I’d never seen the two so legitimately tense. And that was the closest I’d seen to Livia acknowledging the reality of the Quiet, at least before Marcus died. And she’d abandoned her usual denial not just on its own, but also her desire to make everyone else feel hopeful. I could tell the entire room was affected by this. Her tone was like the sound of glass shattering, and it drew all eyes to her. I decided to push through the apparent tension between the two usually amiable friends.

  “I can look for him, if you like? I’m sure you’ll want him here before the wedding, right?” I offered.

  “He’ll be here. I wouldn’t be decorating my damn bar if he wasn’t going to be here,” she snapped. I stepped back like I’d been kicked. I didn’t understand what was going on with her at all. A rapid romance that had never happened before? Decorating days ahead of time, instead of hours? Reminding people that the city was dying, instead of offering them a place to forget about it? None of that was Livia. And some part of her realized that, when she looked at me. Her eyes softened, and she let out a breath.

  “I’m sorry. Things have been tense here in Beddenmor. All of us are on edge. I know you want to find him too, and I won’t stop you. I just… I’m sorry. I miss him. And I honestly don’t know where you should start looking.”