I didn’t bother knocking this time on the tall door; I just used Telekinesis to throw it open, admittedly in a dramatic fashion. Pauvert was sitting in his study, looking through a stack of paperwork that promptly toppled from my noisy entrance. Pierre was slowly dusting a candle sconce, though it seemed he was only spreading dust around more evenly. Pauvert collected himself and sat back in his chair, attempting to pretend like he hadn’t just jumped from his seat.

  “Ah, Lugenhelm! Welcome back! Might I presume your mission a success, the vermin dealt with, and my operation ready to begin anew? I certainly hope so, or else, what are you doing back here, haha!” He laughed a thin, reedy laugh, his own cruel humor amusing him. I thought about sending him a note, but realized I wanted a direct line of communication to tell him what I thought. I shot out an Earring of Messaging and waited for him to understand and place it to his head.

  ‘Pauvert, first off, yes I can talk. I could talk the whole time; I just didn’t want to talk to you. Second, yeah, we’ve cleaned up your mess—and broke both your new toys as well. Oh, we went to the lake instead of just killing the spiders at the grove. Felt like that was treating the symptom instead of the disease, you know?’ Pauvert’s lips quivered for a second as he processed all the new information before shrieking like a banshee and jumping up, pointing one thin finger at us.

  “You… you! You broke my idol and my guardian!? Do you know how much money you’ve cost me, you imbecile! Without that, I’m ruined! It would take years to recover what I owe! How dare you—”

  I cut him off by banging a leg on the ground underneath me.

  ‘How dare I? How dare you! Your shoddy idol and your psycho guardian probably killed more people than the spiders did! All because you cheaped out and got the bargain-bin fixes? AND you didn’t even have the audacity to come clean, instead saying “oh, I don’t know what’s making them go crazy”? Get outta here!’ Mug crossed his arms and nodded along, attempting to look menacing. Pauvert was shamed, I could tell by the flush in his face, but he wasn’t out of it.

  “Don’t you come here and tell me how to run my business, trashcan! My family has been warden of these lands for hundreds of years, and we’ll stay that way for hundreds more! All you had to do was kill some monsters, and instead you tear down the one good thing in these godforsaken woods! I should have known that tightwad Odval would only lend me you if you were a waste! Gods!”

  He got up from his desk and knocked over his papers. Then, he pushed over his chair, followed by throwing books from his bookshelf. I was watching a grown man have a temper tantrum. This was definitely not on my isekai bingo list. Eventually he had an epiphany, though, and he turned to me with a glint in his eye. It was only slightly extremely manic and desperate.

  “But… you broke it, yes? You even admit it! That means that you have to pay, right? Of course! If I go to dinner and break the host’s table, it’s my responsibility, yes? This is just like that! You broke them, so you have to pay for them! Of course! I’ll demand the king make you responsible, and then everything is fine, haha! It’s perfect! I won’t even have to pay you!” He had fully lost it. I thought about reminding him that creditors didn’t really see debt that way, but from the look of mania in his eye, I knew he was a lost cause.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

  ‘We did our job, Pauvert. Plus, I know you’re broke; if I tried to get a percentage from your yields, I’d be waiting for the next hundred years for payment. Instead, we’re gonna… we’re gonna liquidate! Is what I think it’s called! Mug, throw anything valuable into me! Starting with that suit of armor in the hallway!’ Mug saluted and began to toss random items inside of me. This had escalated quicker than I thought, but the end result was probably the same. I think this technically counted as looting, but in another more roundabout way, I hated Pauvert and didn’t care. First came the suit of armor, then random books and scrolls, followed by silverware and assorted throw pillows.

  Pauvert tried to stop Mug, screaming that he was a filthy goblin, but his arms of nobility (read: noodle arms) could do nothing to the tiny green orc currently looting his home. He shouted at Pierre to help, but all he did was painfully bend over and begin to pick up scattered paperwork.

  “Lugenhelm! If you do this, I swear you will regret it! If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll make you pay!” That was the last straw. All I had done was save innocent people from being eaten by mutant spiders and stopped an ecosystem from melting down, at great expense to myself, Mug, and Aranya!

  ‘Mug! Go get the carriage! We’re taking that too and leaving! Pauvert, you can come after me if you want, but know that the next time we cross, I’ll do to you what we did to your guardian! Mug, show him what we did to that guardian!’ Mug was out the door, but turned back inside, found a suitably dense vase, then smashed it with one hand before heading back out the door. Pauvert was quivering with rage. He grabbed an ornamental sword from a wall hanger and slashed at me.

  No damage. I decided to test out an ability I hadn’t bothered with earlier. I activated Caustic Creation, using a pipe to shoot a glob at the blade as it came around for another fruitless slash. Pauvert watched the blade melt into a tiny silvery puddle. He yelped and dropped the handle of the ruined sword.

  ‘That’s right! Now, where is your safe? I know jerks like you always have hidden funds somewhere! Tell me before I get loose with the acid!’ He nearly choked as he pointed to a painting of himself as a general. I used telekinesis to throw it on the ground, then yelled at him to open it, which he did. Inside was a stack of gold coins and some cuts of silk. Not the blue silk that we had seen in the forest, but the quality, uncorrupted silver. I took most of it, leaving him a few stacks of each.

  ‘Gimme my earring back! If I ever see you again, you better make sure you’ve got something better than a crappy sword! Lugenhelm OUT!’ I stomped out the door, where Mug was hitching the horses to the carriage.

  “Master Lugenhelm, not that I am questioning your divine wisdom, but was that wise?” he asked timidly. I had begun to cool off immediately on exiting, and so I gave him a real answer instead of anger-fueled indignation.

  ‘Well… probably not. But it’s over and done, and now we have money. Come on, Mug. Let’s get back to our crappy bakery. The country is not for me.’ He nodded and goaded the horses out of the front gate.

  Standing on the road was Aranya.

  I had Mug stop the wagon again and got out.

  ‘Ah, Madame Aranya, I didn’t mean to go back on our agreement. It’s just, things got a little explosive with Pauvert and I realized that it might be best to leave ASAP, you know…’ She waved me off.

  “Yes, yes, I’m sure it’s fine. I heard you yelling immediately and thought that might be the case. I’m actually here for something else.”

  ‘Oh? What is it?’

  “Well, it’s hard to say this out loud for me, Lugenhelm! I’m a queen, you know! I’ve ruled for… more years than I feel comfortable saying! It’s just, when we fought that toy soldier, it was… how do I say this?” She was fidgeting uncomfortably, her hands teasing her hair and silver tiara. This was a change. Aranya seemed uncomfortable, which I didn’t think she could feel. I decided to wait patiently until she was able to spit it out.

  “It’s just that—”

  “TIME TO DIE MOTHER! A NEW QUEEN IS BORN!”