I've never kept a diary before. Now I will.

  I'll keep thinking of what my name should be. I don't like anything about the old me.

  I lived in California for a long time.

  On the 7th of October, 2003, I took a plane from California to a place far away. I told my mom I was going to live in Germany with my boyfriend. I told my friends at work the same thing. I never saw any of them again.

  I never liked America. I always hated America and everyone and everything in it. I still do. So I left.

  I spent the next nearly-five months trying to survive in the place far away. I wasn't a citizen, so it was hard. Really hard. Two of the months were in the southern part of the country, and the next nearly-three months were in a small town in the north. I can't describe how freezing it was.

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  There were so many happy and sad moments. A few more sad moments than happy ones. It was a fucking rollercoaster. High and lows. It was never a straight line.

  I made a friend there. Well, I made quite a few friends there. One of them was named Kat. She invited me to her house for the first time to spend Christmas with her and her family. After the 16th of January, I started living with them. I lived with them for the rest of my time there. They took me in after one of my lowest moments. I became their son. They became my parents. Kat became my sister. For the first time in my life, I felt happy, actually happy. And I had people that cared, and my own room.

  I was deported on the 5th of March, 2004. I did nothing wrong. The government just didn't want foreigners there.

  They let me choose the airport I would be deported to. I'm in Missouri now. St. Louis.

  A friend of mine lives here, her name is Mindy. We've been friends for almost 6 years now. I'm in a motel right now, and I'm hoping I can start living with her tomorrow. Her and her family have always been nice to me.

  The hallways of the motel smell like smoke. The motel is a bit worse than I expected. I knew it would be bad. I don't trust any part of this motel. I'm laying on top of the blankets of the bed no matter how cold it gets. I'm scared the bed has roaches or other bugs in it.

  Well, see you tomorrow, diary.