Chapter 5
Gettin’ the Swing of Things (1/4)
*Tin Marcher, Level 3*
INITIATING WALKING PROTOCOL.
WALKING. WALKING. WALKING…
OPTICS: CLEAR
TARGETS: NONE
LOOP INTEGRITY: 75%
WALKING. WALKING. STILL WALKING…
ALERT!
MULTIPLE HEAT SIGNATURES DETECTED!!
COUNT: TWENTY-FOUR
IDENTIFY: HUMAN ADOLESCENTS
OBJECTS IN HANDS: PIPES, CHAIRS, MOP HANDLE
SPEECH INPUT: 67% UNINTELLIGIBLE, 33% NAME-CALLING
OFFENSIVE PROTOCOLS ACTIVATED.
CHARGING LASERS!
CHARGE. 0%. 25%. 50%
MANA SIGNATURE DETECTED!!
*bzzz*
*bzzzzz…*
…
STATUS: LOWER HALF MISSING.
EMPLOYING ALL ENERGY TO—
*KRRRRRRIP!!*
“RAAAAAH!!”
“What the HELL are you doing?!” Screeched Raymond
I ignore her completely and keep doing what I’m doing—which is shaking a trash can for all of its preeeeciousss!
Let’s see, let’s see… empty Monster cans, candy wrappers, and still no Loot…
“Nothing, it’s cool.” I say, settling the can back down.
Raymond’s staring at me like I’ve completely lost it, but you wanna know who’s totally bonkers?
EVERYONE ELSE!!
But I’m a people-person and calling fellow survivors nuts is a bad move, so I’ll just go back to being one of them.
I kick at the twisted metal heap that used to be a Tin Marcher, watching as sparks jump pathetically from its heap of scrap. Another kill for Class 12-E!
…
Too bad this dogpile didn’t count in the System’s eyes. It’s all about the final blow, the KILLING STROKE. E! And when two dozen people are WAILING on this bitch-ass CLANKER, then best of luck trying to figure out who got that juicy 12 XP.
“Loot.”
Dammit, that’s the same fucking shitty loot he and his classmates got from the past twenty bots.
Also, just to rub that salt even deeper, I open up my Status to check my XP.
DAMNIT, this shit sucks farts through straws…
My twin, who looks a lil’ diffrent placed a hand on my shoulder. “Man, quit your pouting.” He says as he looks at the pile and the people who are crouching and trying but failing to get the Loot of the Robot. No one realized yet that they can just think of the word and have the same result.
I stop daydreaming and give him the cold facts. “Yeah, I don’t think so, Olim.” I kick a small bolt away…
The System’s a stingy little bitch when it comes down to XP.
Forget the dozens of people trying to get ahead of their fellow humans and trying to bag the kill for themselves.
Say you do the sensible thing and form a Party, yay! Too bad that now you need to SHARE XP as equally as possible and whole, so say goodbye to that extra 0.9 XP, or so his peers claim. We wouldn’t know since our party sucks.
Speaking of which, a Party is hard-locked to 4 members, tops… Another fun tidbit that we had the pleasure of discovering.
So basically, you’re better off being anti-social, an asshole that thinks only for himself and just being a pain in everyone’s ass.
Exactly how the simulations predicted...! Oh, and the progression novels as well.
MEANING!! That Necromancer is just outright the MOST busted Class, but then who’s to say? Maybe there’s like a Nanobot Swarm Class that just turns Mobs into more nanobots or a Nuker which does what the title implies…
“Oh look, looks like people stopped fighting on the Medic.” Milo nods towards the far-back of the hall where Mary, the lucky gal who rolled THE ONLY support Class in our grade, was kinda getting crushed a bit by the beefiest boys that don’t really look school-age…
“Yeah, amaze-balls, bro…” I don’t even bother trying to hide my disdain anymore and I go back to kicking the pile of scrap.
Arise…
[Invalid Target]
Yeeeeeah, just keep trying to bring back up the Marcher, bro! If it didn’t work the first twenty times, then #21 definitely will!
At this point, I just gotta admit that Golems, Elementals, Transformers, uhh, uhhh… Slimes, they’re just not gonna be a part of my army.
Fucking terrific…
Uuuugh, I’m in such a bad mental-space... Maybe I’d be a little less of a prick if I could’ve gotten a pick of my other teammates.
OF COURSE I will not leave the party, System! Why would I—
Okaaaay, enough of all the sarcastic shit! Just build a bridge and get over it, already…
Look, I am BEYOND grateful for hitting Level 2 before anyone else in my Class, but come ON!! All that progress will go down the shitter as Berserkers do their best Hulk impression. Simple problems require simple solutions…
“David, we should move out.” Said Milo, jerking his chin toward the rest of the hallway. “Standing here won’t complete the Quest.”
“Righty-o, Daddy-o…” The rest of Class 12-E splits up into tactical Minutemen-esque groups. Most are duos or trios, but some—like us—hit the maximum four-person cap, everyone gunning for the most optimal configuration.
Everyone but us, of course! Love me a good underdog story, but mmmMMH!!!
The synergy between me and M would’ve been enough, but now thanks to the other variables, I’m not sure we’re at 100% bronimity…
Also, I’m not sure if Sarah’s Unclasiness gets a cut of the XP, so… yeeeeah.
“We heading to the 1st floor~?” Raymond asks as she slides up to Milo and hooks her arms around his. Oh man, every time, every time she talks to him in sugar plum fairy-ness! “If we hurry, we might get some XP as well.”
Just give me an aneurysm, at this point…
Stolen story; please report.
Behind us, Sarah, the cherry on top of this clusterfuck, trails along quietly. Being BFFs with Ray is practically the only reason why she’s with us and she knows it. Unclassed, eugh…
But showing disgust does not boost the morale of a teammate. “You hanging in there, S?” I say.
She nods and adjusts her glasses. “Just trying not to die before I see my parents one more time.”
“Yeah, that would be… nice.” I say, because what else can you say to that?
But then I catch Raymond giving me a death stare. “She’ll be fine,” she snaps. “I’ve got her back.” Meaning that both me and M will have to break our backs for the both of them…
“Never back down, never whaaaat.” I say instead. Milo gives me a small smile, but the other two don’t catch the reference.
GOD, I wish we could’ve gotten Mary…
“Let’s flank through the art room.” Milo suggests, his eyes darting to a side door. “Less competition.”
As we go for the stairs, I watch the rest of our Class fragment further. Troy’s group just charges with no fucks given into the thickest concentration of bots this floor has to offer.
“Onwards and downwards!”
Oh, wow…
The science class looked exactly the same. Literally, there was nothing different. It was just… normal.
I see the Marchers patrol between the lab tables and I can’t help but feel a little anxious… Even at full HP, thanks to Mary, if one stray laser hits Sarah… jelly donut explosion…
“So what’s the play?” Milo whispers, crouching by the doorframe.
I scan the room and there are LOTS of things to use! With my Dexterity, i can just outright turn into a hurricane!!
“Alrighty, bruddah, I’ll draw agro,” I say, already tensing my legs. “Get ready to swing for the fences. Ray-ray, get Sarah’s back, alright?”
“I’m not helpless.” She says, as she has her bag in her hand. I’m not exactly comfortable trusting you with my life, no hard feelings.
“Alright, get ready…! On three!” Milo says. “One… two…”
“THREE!” I say. I’m launching myself DIRECTLY at the nearest wall. My feet connect and I’m running horizontally along it!!
The Marcher’s targeting systems cain’t keep up with Usain Bolt but white, and their heads swivel comically by almost unscrewing by themselves!
I push off the wall and do a somersault through the air and land on a table. “Hey, Tin Men,” I shout. “I fucked your motherboards last night~!”
Not my best material, but it gets their attention. All six units converge on me and start winding the fuck up.
As if I’ll just WAIT!!
As I sail over the nearest bot, I plant both hands on its shoulders and TOSS with all my might!!
And there SHE BLOWS!!
“Batter up, batter up, batter UUUP~!” I warn Milo.
My buddy grins and he rotates his entire body into the swing. Despite how fucking BADASS he looks, he doesn’t deal that much damage…
[-8]
The impact sends the bot skidding down the corridor like a hockey puck, directly into two more Marchers who topple like bowling pins.
[-3] [-2]
“Ssstrike!” Milo shouts and pumps his fist up! Slowly but surely…
“We come in peace!” “We come in peace.”
Two more Marchers are closing in on my position and that’s my cue to go!
“Incoming!”
*PEWWWWWW*
Instead of hitting me, the beams hit a cabinet CHOCK FULL of chemicals!
*BOOOM!*
Glass shards and colorful mist-liquids fly off everywhere, all for that mad-lab aesthetic!
With a sliding tackle that would make any soccer coach proud, I position the bot that’s been tossed around and YOINK him up!
*Vrrrr…*
“Hold still…~!”
*PEWWWW*
[-6] [-6] [-6] [-6]
The laser fires and slices through one of the Marcher’s leg joints and continues its devastating path right into a support bracket of a heavy lighting rig overhead.”
“Everyone get THE FUCK BACK!!” I yell as the entire fixture comes crashing down.
Milo grabs Sarah and yanks her clear. Raymond rips me off and also somersaults backwards with a lil’ inhuman grace.
Me and the gang managed to narrowly avoid being turned into human pancakes.
“WE COOaaaammmm…”
3 Marchers are not so lucky.
[-43] [-32] [-39]
[+12 XP] [+12 XP] [+12 XP]
“Holy shit!” Says Milo.
“ALL in a day’s work!” I reply as I dust off debris and jealousy off a’ me!
Only one Marhcer remains in commission, but its movements are really jerky. M felt really bad for the poor thing and he brought his table leg on the Mob, over and over—
[-8] [-8] [-8] [Critical Hit — (-16)]
“HOLY SHIT!!” He screamed! “I just got a crit!”
“Yeah, you always get those when you give their heads a proper bopping!”
“Ohhh, neat!” Slowly… BUT suuuurely…
I kinda wanted to appreciate the moment a lil’ more, but I started to hear another set of metallic legs approaching, a little heavier and more imposing than those of a normal Marcher. Through the doorway, I glimpse the gleaming chassis of more Marchers. His mind may be playing tricks, but they actually kinda looked… bulkier?
“Inspect!”
<[Tin Marcher — Level 4]
Type: Construct.
HP: 60/60
Besides the bump in HP, this was the same bot that me and my Class got the best of without breaking a sweat!
“GIIIT EM’!!!” I say as I point to the door and EVERYONE rushed the poor thing!
[+22 XP]
[Level Up]
[New Skill Acquired]
“Oh shit, mothafuckaaaaas!!!” I scream.
Milo yelps with the Chair’s leg already in the air. Raymond jumped up on all fours and she bared her fangs— no, wait, normal teeth—she bared her normal teeth at me. All the color in Sarah drained and I believe I just completely froze her brain.
“WOAH, easy there!” I windmill my hands. “S’all good, man! I just got a new Skill…”
Everyone just stares… In hindsight, it may have been better to not go full retard, but as they say, live and learn…
Now, where do I look for the—
“PFOoaaah…” I am not particularly pleased with what I got. Milo catches on to my subtly subtle tells and proceeds to ask me: “Did RNG fuck you over?”
“Mmmnnno… I got something that lets me Raise many dead people at once and at a 5% discount.”
Milo’s expression instantly stiffens up. “Wait, isn’t that like… potentially huge?”
“Potential later, yeah.” I gesture at the field of dead toasters we’ve been grinding. “Right about now, I’m getting DICKED down by the lack of organics. It’s been 30 minutes since I got this Class and I STILL didn’t manage to Raise an Undead…”
“Damn…”
“Mhm…”
I slump against the wall, letting my head fall against the cool concrete. The adrenaline is fading once more and I’m left with that hollow and buzzy feeling in its wake. My mind just completely detaches away and starts thinkiiiing… abouuuut…
…
Michael.
I wonder how he’s holding up. FUUUUCK, I feel like Westridge High is just full of either monsters that literally FUCK YOU over or Martians that want to eat your skull!
Oh man, I wonder what Class he got. Technomancer and Monk DEFINITELY popped up, no way they didn’t!
Wonder if Atomic Habits has a section about how the world turned into the ULTIMATE gaming experience! It’d probably tell you that a $50 is STILL a $50 bill even if its dirty, or that you should do some breathing exercises…
Maaaan, I wonder what—
“WE COME IN PEACE!!” “DAVID!!” “OH FUCK!!”
Milo instantly shatters my thoughts like a brick through glass!! I blink but all I see red!
But then… I'm not fried!!
The air around Milo shivered, and the reality of our world warped. His eyes blazed with an iner light and his outstretched hands glowed with ethereal energy.
The wall behind me suddenly bulged and formed a solid barrier between me and that sneaky shithead of a Marcher’s load.
“Move your ass!” screamed Raymond, as she dragged Sarah like a dog on a leash.
I scramble to my feet and I just break at top speeds again! Just like that, the adrenaline is RIGHT back in my heart and animating mua once more!
“The frick was that?” I gasp when I reach the relative safety of a supply cabinet.
“THAT!” Milo pants, dropping to one knee as his Skill fades away. “—was me saving your dumb-ass!”
The Marcher that nearly ventilated me advanced through the dissolving barrier, only to meet Raymon’s foot and get tossed like a football. Then the Robot also got tossed outside a window. Then gravity did the rest.
[+22 XP]
She’s really intent on copying me, isn’t she…?
When the immediate danger passes, Milo grabs my shoulder a little harshly, and his expression is unusually serious…
“Don’t fucking sleep on us anymore, otherwise shit can go real bad, real quick.”
“From 0 to 100?”
“Daviid…”
“Ok, fuck, my bad, i was thinking about Michael, okay? And NOT in a passionate, pants-down manner!”
Milo’s face softens slightly. “I get what you’re saying, but zoning the fuck out like that will get you killed…”
“Or worse,” Raymond interjects. “—get someone else killed.”
“Yeah, I can read between the lines, thank you very much.” You sure told HER, hot-shot, but… “ But yeah, sorry boss, won’t happen again, boss.”
“Good.” Milo says and claps my shoulder. “Because I think I just pants in my shit.”
“Wh-hat?” Laughing is the natural reflex after his fumble, but instead of being pissy about it or straight-up RIPPING my arms off, he says:
“Hm?”
His eyes were really vacant, all of a sudden…
I’m not the only one who notices this change in his wind…
Raymond built up her courage to breathe the same air I do and went to cup Milo’s head. “Umm, love…?”
“I KNOW you’re not tweaking out after one Skill use!” I wave a hand in front of Milo’s face. No focus. He’s breathing, but it’s really thin and shallow.
He is completely checked the fuck out…
And then, the UI coughs up a hairball, right in my face.
“FUCK-a-doodle-do!!” I yelp.
“BABY, please come back to us!!!” Raymond’s voice tries to be soothing and ends up being anything but.
“Uuugh…” Sarah’s reaction is prolly the smallest, but the honest-est out of all.
All of a sudden, Milo looks like he had one too many and started swaying in place. “David, where did we park the horse?”
“Bro, don’t you remember?” I grin at him. “We ATE that bitch up so it wouldn’t snitch on us!”
Twilight Sparkle herself rounds on me like I just punted a puppy. “Are you fucking making fun of him?”
“Noooo, ‘course not! I hear this shit speeds it up!”
“He’s not FUCKING high, you dumbass!”
“Oh, like you petting him has any effect!!”
“I swear, if Milo didn’t feel bad for you—!”
“Oh, look who’s fucking talking—!”
“SHUT UUUUP!!” Oh FRICK, what the— “Just SHUT UP, stop fighting for a one FUCKING second and let’s try, TRY to be helpful!” screamed Sarah.
“Fuuuck, alright, let’s see, let’s see…” The fuck am I supposed to even do? I’m not a walking pack of Xanax, and apparently, my way is WRONG!
If I were stuck in a video-game AND poisoned, what’s the first thing that I would do?
…
“Inspect!”
[Milo] [Level 2]
[HP: 40/40]
[MP: 25/55]
{Confused}
(Duration: 42 seconds)
“Oh thank TITIES!!” I actually laugh like a nut. “Okay, so it’s NOT permanent, it’s just a shitty timer.” It could jump up from a minute to a whole eon, but that’s just the scared part of my brain trynna FUCK ME over!
“Alright, clan! Let’s take a breather for our boy over here.” I point at Milo and he seems to have sucked in his lips.
Raymond’s lip curls like she’s had a taste of battery acid. “That’s IT?! We’re supposed to just sit here?!”
“Yeah, pretty much.” I clap my hands once.
For the first time ever, she laughs at me. “Of course you want US to just sit. You’re fucking useless, as ever!”
“Oh my God, here we go—!”
“You just HAD to act like a fucking retard, because that’s ALL you know and what you are!”
“Ray—” Sarah starts.
“No, don’t fucking feel bad for him! Look at HIM! Look at what he’s wearing.” I think she’s meaning the tatters that once used to be a shirt! “Look how he’s smiling! WHO DOES THAT!!”
*Inhaaaaaaaale*
…
“Look, I know how much you love jerking people off, but can you SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I BASH YOUR HEAD IIIIIIIN!!!”
“I— y-you… what…” That got through to her.
“Great, glad that’s settled.” I turn toward our 4th companion and tip my chin towards the doors. “Look, Sarah, was it? Can you please do a quick scope on the hall?”
She nods and doesn’t give me an entire essay on it!
Alright, all that remains—
“KYAAAAAH!!!”
Yeah, I don’t even need to ask… “Alright, Milo, let’s play some tag, bro!” I touch his arm and say: “TAG, you’re it.”
“Cheesecake!” he blurts and stands to salute! Literally.
We ALL bolt from the class, me first and with Milo hot on my tail.
Raymond peels after us, and she reverts to calling me names, but I don’t really give a damn! Nor can I hear her, soooo…
Also, Sarah's doing her best impression of a human sirens. “Eeeee— Eeeee!!”
All in all, it’s a good day to be alive~!
