“Ok, so hear me out here.” This fucker won’t budge, so I need to bring in the A-game. “You don’t have MP, do you?”
“Nope.” Said Troy the Berserker.
“That’s right! Now, what do you have? What do Berserkers use and constantly need to keep themselves alive?”
“I guess that would be Health?”
“PRESTO!!” I say, a lil’ excited. I can’t help but see my businessman talent budding up! “If you need the HP more than the MP…”
“—then why are you hoarding over the wrong stuff?”
"That looked like it got Troy off of his feet. No matter how much he placed that finger on his chin, nor how he looked up at the ceiling, no answer came to him.
“…Because it’s rare?” He finally said, and honestly, that in and of itself should be enough, but to me, suuuuper bullshit, SUPER!!
“Bro, that’s kinda fucked up if you think about it. People who use magic have to use it sparingly because their Skills require lots of MP! I’M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!! With the high use of Mana! So, indirectly, you’re fucking me over! You’re killing me, essentially? Did I do something to you, Troy? Did I break your heart in some unimaginable way?! IS IT BECAUSE WE DIDN’T HANG OUT ENOUGH?!”
“…Ummm, no…”
“Then what the hell bro, why are you like this?
“Bro, I just wanted to be a Mage, too.” He said.
“Well, I dunno if this is the way, bro. Tell you what, what if… I give you like 10 Cartons and you give me 2 or 3 Energy bars AND, just to show you how much I care, I will tell you about any Staffs, Crystal Balls, ALL THAT SHIT, if you like… gimmie some bars.
“…Eleven.”
“Okie Dokie!”
“No wait, twelve.”
“Bro, you can’t just increase the number after we decided on it.”
“Thirteen.”
Huh? What type of negotiation is this guy running?
“I think I’ll just take my business somewhere else?”
“Fourteen?” Is he… actually dumb? I don’t fucking get what the hell he’s playing at, buuut…
“No deal.” And just like that, I turn away, because I feel like i’d punch that dude AND myself in the face for all the wasted time.
…
“Welp, I think we’re doomed for eternity to carry around juice.” I say as I take a long, spiteful sip from my box. Troy can go suck an egg with his backwards-ass negotiation tactics.
“Oh, that sucks. Maybe next time?” Said Sarah.
“Maybe, maybe.” She's one timid girl, that's for sure
Maybe it’s because of all the looting? Could she really be so scared cuz of some people throwing down stuff, tearing it out of the walls and almost go at it for some juice?
Eh, could be.
“Miiilooooo!” Oh shit, i thought Ray fell asleep with her eyes closed, but alas… “My favorite Archtyper! How did ‘negotiations’ go?”
“Well, I almost came up empty-handed, but then…” Said Milo, as he presented us a Bar. “I just got really lucky.”
“Ah man, just one…? Poor baby, you don’t have to worry! I’ll share my secret stash with you.”
“Can I get one, too?” I say whilst smiling.
“No.” She deadpanned. Welp, worth a try~!
Milo slides onto the bench next to me and Raymond, who immediately snuggles up against him like a cat.
“So…” Sarah says in hopes of avoiding an awkward silence. "Any of you decided what you’re boosting next? I'm leaning toward Dexterity. Gotta keep those reflexes sharp…!”
"Wait, hold on." I squint at her. "You got Attribute Points to spend?"
She blinks, then looks down at her hands. "Oh, um… no, actually. I don't have any."
What.
"Didn't even Level Up, actually, heh..."
"What...?" Oh thank God, it wasn't me, it was Ray with the disbelief. "But, like… you've been getting a share of our XP, right? Where's all that going?"
"I… I don't know?" She fidgeted with the edge of her sleeve. "It just… goes somewhere? I get the Notifications that I earned XP and... yeah..."
Oh, for fuck's sake...
"Hold up, hold up," Milo said, sitting up straighter and dislodging Ray from his shoulder. She made an annoyed grunt. "Sarah, open your Status Screen real quick and see how much XP you got in the counter." Good fucking catch, brother~!
"Oh, okay..." She did that thing where her eyes went all glazed over.
Alright, there's no way all that XP is wasted, so maybe she needs to build it up to, say, 10000 XP to pick a Class?
"I don't... I just have Strenght and the other stuff and that's... it..."
For fuck's saaaaaaaake...
Why, but I ask again, why would the System even make Unclassed a thing in the first place? Hooooh, it's probably gonna be some bullshit emergency Quest where we have to save them or slay them, won't it?
Fffffffuck that...
...
"I think I'm gonna put some points in Endurance," Said M, our graceful saviour, as he sat back down. "What do y'all think?" I think that was as smooth as it was gonna get, brother.
Raymond started playing with Milo’s hair. “You should put them in strength, love. Your Aspect of the Human thing gets crazy powerful the more people watch you and Attributes you get, so…”
“Nah, M, Strength will always be Strength, but I CANNOT recommend you enough to do a split in Strength AND Energy.”
Raymond gave me a suspicious look. “Since when fo you get to make decisions for him?”
“It’s a sugestion, not a fucking order. Who the hell do you think I am, you? Nananana…”
“Ugh, go to hell…”
“Already there, hellspawn.”
“Aw, c’mon guys, do you really have to this shit every time you’re around eachother?”
For a beat, I looked in Raymond’s eyes and she did the same.
“Pretty much.” “Yes, love.” We say, almost in unison…
…
“Maybe I should go balanced? Like two points in each stat?”
“Ewwww, no, nouuuu… Nope!” I say. “The 'master of everything' ain’t really that great in games, so I’m pre-TAY sure it’d be just as mediocre out here, if not worse.”
“Yeah, and what would you place your points in, broski?” Asked Milo.
“SPEED, baby~!” I start rubbing my hands. “Dexterity for the end of days, brotha! No need to drive anymore since I’ll be speedy as a goddamn fighter jet.” Speaking of which, did they all pull a Transformer out of their ass when they… awakened? Again, more questions for Future David!
“Alright, then what about your Skill Points?” Said Sarah. Boy, she really was curious. Too bad she had thrown her ONE chance to be something special.
“I dunno.” Said Milo. “I’m kinda waiting for another Skill. Aspect is already strong at Level 1.”
Raymond chimmed in some more. “But imagine how better and stronger it’d be at Level 2? You could possibly get some new Effects as well?” Why was she fucking bird-feeding him all these details?
Milo just smiles at her and starts saying: “What ahbout you, love? Where are you taking the Vampire build?”
“I’m also going all in on Strenght.” She says. “I also want to achieve mastery or completion or whatever on Predator’s Poise and maybe give this new Veinstep Skill a chance?”
“Oh! Is this the part where you tell us about your Class? Please?” I say, almost down on my knees. Instead of just doing the regular and ignore me or worse, she looked like she was forking it over!
…
“…Alright, but if shit spreads, I’m gonna kill you, David?”
“Wha— why. Why do you care if it does? You think shit outside is Mad Maxian? Fuck no, we’re IN it to WIN it!!"
“Yeah, but can you look me in the eyes and say that the people are not desperate and trying to go get XP, water, or some food, but And OH LOOK! The supermarket turned into a Dungeon, tough titties…”
“Is there a rest stop between now and the point?” I say.
“My POINT is that the people will want to go after shortcuts, the weak ones, those that are still green with inexperience… It’ll be a slaughter out in the streets!” How the ducking fuck did she say all that without cracking a smile? I can’t help but NOD at the sheer edginess of things.
Sure, things never look so good at first glance, but would it actually be possible for a handful of people to have cracked and started murdering other people?
“Yiiiiikes…” I say. “Welp, good shit that MY UNDEAD will be like sheriffs in the town and maintain the law!” I say as I pistol-whip and shoot Ray. If only there was an actual gun…
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
“Too bad that I'm just stuck with a Skill that only Raises them... Man, we have to grind some more!”
"Who's we?” This purple bitch...
“Me, you, M, and Sarah. But don’t worry, if you can’t take the heat, you can just stay here and munch on your Bars.”
“FUCK you, David!”
“Yeahyeah, get in line~!”
Woah, woah, woaaaah!! There were like… Ok, there were like two things that in my vision, but holy fuck…
Ok, apparently I get liiiike… 2 MP and HP per Level? That’s really generous, but better than nothing, I suppose. But it does kinda make sense. Imagine if you were Level 124 and still at 30 HP, because MAGIC builds ROOOCK!! Or something to that effect.
Alright, moving right along!
Holy fucking shit-naps…
WHAT is with that fucking XP threshold? Does the System want us to DIE or something? Actually, given the Monsters and literal jail/traps, that may just be the case…
But holy fuck, there better be some POT of GOLD at the end of this Rainbow!!
But it’ll take a decade with the Party sharing all XP… Good fucking shit there was something there was a shortcut!!
<[Tinfinite March]>
[…]
- 3/4 Clocks Destroyed
*Get Got; by Death Grips*
“Ge-ge-ge-ge, go-go-go-got”
“What THE FUCK!” Said Raymond, as I made her spill some juice.
“Bloodrushtomyheadlitlock/ Poppinoffthefuckinblockknot/”
“Welp, It’s official. ” I slap my hand against the wall and whisper dramatically to my party. “School’s out… permanently.”
“That was so bad, brah.” “Could you be any less unfunny?” “…”
“Okay, okay, yeah, in retrospect, that was some low-hanging fruit… Let’s see… Ummm… The school is like… a ghost town, but like… with robots instead…”
Crash and fucking burn, dumbass.
“Can you just focus on finding that watch, please?” Said Sarah.
“Yeahyeahyeah, the watch IS here somewhere! I CAN smell it!!" With my brain…!”
“What is this guy on abouut!!” Said brotato.
“I beg to fucking differ, Emil, but with 30 points in Dex, I’m like a SUPERCOMPUTER! For smelling and hearing.” I tap my temple so with such vigor I nearly poke my eye out.
We spread out down the hallway and check each and every Class. Some are locked and empty, weird for a school day, but that’s what happens when there are school shooters or something worse, I guess.
I peek into another class and still see upturned stools and abandoned backpacks. Man, I swear, these guys' idea for barricading is making Jenga towers for the robots to get distracted and play!
“Found something~!” Raymond called out from across the hall, her voice tinged with that predatory excitement that makes her Vampire class such a good fit for her!
We converge on her position like a very organized, very speedy SWAT team! Through the window of the door, I spot the unmistakable gleam of a Tin Marcher.
“Jackpot!” I say, because Monsters DEFINITELY equal treasure! “Alright, Ray, you’re up! Use those mesmerizing eyes so it can kill itself!”
“That’s not how—” she grunts and turns to look at me. “Don’t pressure me.”
“Jesus Christ, is being annoyed in your DNA or something?"
“Children, please!” Said Milo as he opened the door and stepped in. “I’m sure that haaAAAGH!!”
What the what? I peak my head inside and see—
MY GOD!!
It was a WAVE, an ACTUAL wave of these things!! They're BASSICALLY stepping on to eachother, holy FUCK!!!
“NopenopenopenopeNOPE!!” I pulled Milo, who just so happened to start playing green light, red light with the Robots!
…
We try three more classrooms with similar results. One Tin Man even managed to hit Ray in the shoulder! Another one just stared down at Sarah and kept on saying: “WE COME IN PEACE!” without firing, imagine that…!
“This is getting us nowhere…!” Said Raymond, inspecting her wound to catch it healing without medical attention or for it to take days. “Milo, honey? I know it’s a little dangerous, but… could you use Aspect and turn into a searcher or treasure finder or something…?”
“I didn’t get any of these Aspects, so… maybe at Level 3?”
“Wait, what the hell did you get, then?” I promptly cut off Milo at the MENTION of exciting new effects!
[Aspect of the Pilgrim]
- Your footsteps leave conceptual footprints
- Your Party Members get half (rounded down) of your added Stats
- Party Members who step in one gain a short moment of clarity — their next action becomes reflexively perfect, and they know exactly what to do.
“Not bad…” THAT SHIT is SO FUCKING CRACKED!!
If he can just get some more points into that AMAZING Skill, then I believe my Hoarder Class is well and fucked…
“David, what the hell are you doing?” Asks Milo, as he throws me a weird look.
Oh...? It looks like my head has tilted to the side… One of the quirks of Dexterity is to be… completely automatic and not realize what your body’s doing to you.
“Not really but… I think I’m picking up on…” I lock the FUCK in! “It’s like a watch but the ticking is different every time, like click-mick-sick-bitch—it's random and gives me the jimmies…"
“That’s really specific.”
“Shutthefuckup and let’s go find that shit!!” I say as I move down the stairwell, with my ears still glued to the walls, and the rest follow suit. The sounds is REALLY Playful, capable of bouncing off the walls and ceiling, Milo, in my skull, like it wants to be found? Cheeky little buggah’!
We end up in the social studies place of the building, which is darker than the others, for that scare factor, I suppose. Also, this is where the University part of my school happens. It's real weird that a private High-School had to share space, but oh well, the manager’s days of embezzlement are gone…
The sound is SUPER-DUPER clear now! “THERE!!” I point at Room 108: World History. “End of the rainbow~~!”
As we approach, i notice things I missed cuz I couldn’t pay attention to them simultaneously. The door is barricaded from the outside, like someone reeeeeeaally wanted to be extra safe. Second, there’s like… a lotta chatter behind those doors, high-pitched and nervous, kinda like in my class, only more… scared.
I press my ear against the door and—
“—think they’re gone?”
“—heard footsteps—”
“—stupid watch won’t shut up—!”
“WOAH, what the shit!!” They have the fourth watch and did fuck-all with it?
*Knock-knock-knock*
“Helloooooo? We know you're in there!” I call out in my friendliest, definitely-not-a-robot voice. “This is your friendly neighborhood rescue party! We come bearing the sweet gift of safety and good company!”
Welp, that got their attention. Also, just like in my class, everybody got real quiet.
“Come on, guys! I can literally hear you breathing! And complaining! And I think someone just opened a bag of chips…? Rude to not share, by the way…”
“Not sure if they hear any of that, given the barricade is probably blocking most of the sound.”
“Plus, they’re hiding under the desks.” Adds Sarah, pointing at the shadows visible beneath the door.
I sigh dramatically and knock louder. “HEY! FRESHMAN! OPEN UP!!”
This time, there is a response! “Go away! You’re probably one of them.”
“You’re right!” I hear a dozen or so gasps. “I AM a Jehovah’s witness, but can you blame me if he showed a non-believer, such as myself, the way?”
…
“Alright, I’ll bite. One of whom?"
“The robots! Or the seniors! Either way, you’re probably here to kill us!”
"The fuck are you on about, my guy? WE'RE seniors!” I scream. “Also, it's been like ONE HOUR into this bitch; no WAY somebody goes apeshit that fast!!
…Right, fellas?” I say as I turn back to my own teammates.
“Well, you did threaten me earlier…” Said Raymond, completely fixated on the past and NOT helping me with me and the freshman’s fears…
“Look, just go away! We’re not opening this door, and if you TRY to get in, we’ve got weapons!” Whispered someone back to me.
“No, we don’t…” Said another, lower, whisper…
“Shut up, Marcus…!”
Oh man, are all these people Unclassed or something? The sheer level of scaredy-catness was starting to affect me…
“Prove you’re a human!” Said a girl’s voice…
…
“Aight, bet! ” I turn around to my Party. “Hey guys, can you give me a captcha on different pictures or maybe a maze?” My friends and Raymond snickered, while the freshman groaned.
“Maybe that was a person making a bad joke like that…”
“Hey!” I protest.
“Look, we’re students just like you.” He calls in his deep, reassuring voice. “We’re looking for a watch, and it kinda sounds like you might’ve found it!”
“We don’t have any watch.” The denial comes off shaky and rushed.
“Yeah, and even if we did, it would be ours now, losers!” Wow, what gives with the hostility?
My patience is a fickle thing and never my forte. “Hey, R-tards, you know you’re supposed to destroy that shit and not hoard it? Don’t you WANT to go outside?! Well, if you do, then smash it to pieces right now!”
“Find your own magical watches!”
“It’s not magical, dipshit!” Ok, it kinda is, but definitely not in the way this person thinks it is…
“Go back to the senior hallway where you belong!”
I turn to my part, and I give them the bad news. “You hear that, fellas? These people called us OLD! They called us fart DIRTS! I think we need to deploy the ammunition, y’all. MILO!” I point a finger at him. “Rip this door off the hinges!”
Milo raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure you aren't exaggerating?”
"Eat dirt, grandpa!
“Another fossil has been found?”
“Dude, what the fuck? why are you so old? Go back to your family!”
…
“Yeah, I’m positive.”
“You EXTRA sure?” Asks Milo, in hopes of pissing me off and prove him right…
“Bro,” I deadpan. “These guys can do the same shit with another lab. Better yet, they can do it when they’re with their parents or something!” I say.
“So yeah, M. Make us a path!”
Milo sighs and rolls up his sleeves. “Stand back."
And just like that, Milo turned into a Glowing One…
*GRRRRRRKH!*
With one final heave, Milo TEARS The door partially off its hinges, quite literally leaving it hanging.
Seven wide-eyed freshmen stared up at us from their hiding spots, and I couldn’t quite help but smile at their faces, from utter terror to shock and awe!
One of them, a boy with a mop instead of hair, is clutching something to his chest… a weird, bulbous watch with too many hands and what looks like blinking LEDs.
“See, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?” I skip-step into the classroom, jumping up the tower of benches.
“Y-YOU BROKE OUR DOOR!!” Squeaked the mob-boy.
“And y’all broke our PATIENCE!! And my heart…” I say as I start gripping my moob. “I’m only 18, I still have so much to LIVE FOR and EXPERIENCE!!” I say with the deepest, totally-not-bullshit regret that I could muster…
“Look, I understand the urge to do nothing all day but to game!” I tiptoe my way forward, but for each step I take forward, these guys take like twenty backwards.
“But this isn’t an opportunity you can SLEEP ON! The world is fucking BONKERS right now! Anything, and I do mean anything, can happen in this bitch, so why are you all just… sitting around?! It’s time to touch grass, ALL of you!”
One of the girls stood, but instead of swooning over me, she tried to put on a macho expression, despite being a foot shorter than me. “You can’t just break in here! This is OUR safe space…! We’ll… we’ll report you!”
“To whom, the Robots?” Asked Raven. No wait, that’s way too cool of a character to associate Ray with…
“You’re all going to be in so much trouble!” another freshman warns, pulling out his phone. “I’m gonna film this and I’m gonna send it to the principal!” Are these people insane, by any chance?
“What THE HELL is he gonna do about it? Like, genuinely, what the fuck could he do in this sort of situation?” Said Milo, trying to rationalize this situationship. “Also, aren’t there other, more pressing matters at hand?”
“We’ll tell everyone that you’re a bully squad that goes for freshmen!" The short girl continued. “We’ll start a trend.”
“Holy fuck…” I say as the realization hits me. “You guys are actual children… Best of luck out there, sweet fucking Jesus…”
I approach the scared little boy and he fucking shrieks when he realizes there’s no more space to back out of.
“I’ll just take this awaaay…!” I said as I slowly and gently unclasped his fingers and slid the clock off of his grip. The numbers around the edge are like… coding sequences? Also, heavier than it looked…
“…thank you…” I say as I back away from the group. “Guys, we totally did it! What now, though?” I say, though I already have a pretty good idea. Still, it’s good to hear others brainstorming!
“I guess we just… break it?” Said Sarah.
“I mean, that’s usually how you solve it in a video game?” I shrug. “Millennial Falcon, what say you?”
“Alright, what if we just… take out its batteries? Who knows, maybe we can turn the Robots on our side if a Tinkerer does… something to it?” Said Milo, and frankly…
“Check out the big brain on Mi, over here…!” To control these Robots would probably end up being both the best and goofiest shit that we could do! RIGHT around my alley…
Then I turn to our 4th member. “Alright, what do you think, Ray?”
“Well—”
“HI-YAW, MOTHAFUCKA!!” I violently throw the watch to the floor and watch it break into HUNDREDS of pieces! I give ‘em a good stomping, for good measure!
“My bad, Barney, for a sec I forgot I don’t care about YOU or your opinions~!”
Everyone, the freshman and my very own party looked at me and had their mouths in the shape of an ‘o.’
I throw the cheeriest grin I could muster. “Well class, I believe THAT is our cue to—”
But then Raymond realizes that she can’t take a joke and JUMPS on my back and is trying to CHOKE ME OUT, for real!!
“ABUSE! ABUUUUUUSE!!” I squawk.
Milo and Sarah try their best to PEEL this crazy bitch off my back, but alas, she started GRABBING MY HAIR!!
[Critical Hit — (-4)]
“OWWW, FUCK, that really HURT, you bitch!!”
“I’ll fucking END YOU!!”
[Critical Hit — (-6)]
“SHIEEEET!”
