Chapter 79
[A soul that searches]
The forest and the graveyard were left far behind. Distance seemed to be an unrealised concept in the white space, as they had vanished far behind me after only a couple of steps.
Yet no matter how far I moved, the entrance back into the nothing remained directly behind me.
It was a constant reminder. A warning. An escape.
Should I fail to find myself, all that awaited me was a return to that empty abyss.
But with no sense of time, and nothing to see besides the infinite road beneath my feet, the nothing was equally comforting and foreboding.
Maybe I did not need to know who I was. Maybe remaining ignorant was safer. Maybe the journey of self-discovery would be too painful.
There were many reasons why the stagnation of nothingness was a safer alternative to aimless wandering.
Time passed.
Or maybe it didn't. There was nothing to tell me which way the clock was turning. Not even my body grew tired.
Distance was covered.
Or maybe not. Maybe the road was just a treadmill designed to wear away at my patience. Maybe this was all just a way to make me realise that I did not deserve to exist.
Maybe I should have stayed where I was and faded into obscurity.
I stopped.
The bricks that formed the road were identical and pristine, but at some point, I began to notice a small crack. It was the same for every brick, as if each of them were a mirror image of the original.
The nothing hovered closer, a gaping hole in the world that beckoned me into its sweet embrace.
I could no longer see past it. Although there wasn't anything to see there anyway.
Right?
I stepped off the road, trying to see around the dark emptiness.
No. Do not look back.
My heart dropped, and I instinctively turned away. The nothing was not blocking me. It was protecting me.
Do not seek that which has been suppressed. Do not remember what was lost. Carry forward. Ever forward. forward.
These thoughts bounced around my head, their meaning unclear to me.
They urged me to continue as I was. To walk the path, no matter how far it stretched on.
But I didn't.
Doing what has always been done will not lead to change.
The path was a false hope. One I too readily followed. After all, who laid the path? Not myself. Perhaps it was a me of another time and place, but that would not be the same me who walked it.
I had to find myself by my own initiative…
So, I walked away from the path. Along an empty white space with no footholds. I looked back to see that the nothing was no longer following.
And then, I was alone. Alone in the world of white.
***
[Axel's POV]
I had abandoned my in favour of focusing everything on speed and power. Gaspard’s glaive was able to pierce right through my best defence anyway, and it had been drastically shaving down my mana reserves.
Even cycling repeatedly between aura and mana wasn't enough, as his attacks never let up long enough for me to recuperate.
Rex’s loss of limb luckily did not seem to hamper him much, as his body simply twisted and grew until a new arm had been formed. He hounded Gaspard’s every step with endless swings of his claws and swipes of his tail.
But Gaspard, even without relying on his teleportation, was agile enough to evade it all. If we attacked together in close range, his sweeping attacks would catch both of us. When one of us would offer support from a distance, he would respond with fast-moving magical attacks.
And I had realised too late the reason why he could cast his magic so quickly. He was utilising spirits to attack on his behalf, just like Fleur did.
The biggest issue with this fact was that he had so far only used them for quick attacks and had not fully summoned any into the material world to support him.
Naturally, this meant he could flip the table at any second and call out a powerful spirit to join him.
To think he could take us both on and still be confident enough to hold back…
It was infuriating.
Just as I lamented this, Rex suddenly stopped attacking, leaving me on my own.
“Hold him back, Storm Child.”
He said before bounding away from the fight.
There was no time to argue, as Gaspard seemed content to use the chance to put me down for good.
“Damnit!
Having seen this attack a few times already, Gaspard smacked my arms aside with a running kick, disrupting the flow of mana.
He then used his free hand to chop my throat and close my airway.
In a desperate attempt to get some space, I swung and made contact with the glaive.
My fingers should have been swiftly removed as punishment for my hasty action, but instead.
“Argh!”
The impact caused an immense crack of thunder to ring out, and lightning burst from my fist in a radiant explosion.
Gaspard’s mask was sent flying, and blood flowed freely down his face. My attack had left a deep scar across his forehead.
I held two fingers to my throat, sending a jolt of electricity through to reopen my trachea.
“Heh… I'll need to think of a name for that one. Maybe… Railgun-Fist? Nah…”
I chuckled as I realised what had happened. My mana had already built up in my arms in order to fire but by cancelling it and swinging my fist, it all exploded without proper direction.
It was effective, but three of the fingers on my right hand had been scorched and bent at awkward angles due to the impact. If I wanted to master it, I would need to find a way to prevent the backlash.
“You are impressive, outcast. I shall honour your efforts by ending this now.”
Gaspard held his glaive out horizontally before him.
I immediately felt the mana concentrating around him, and prepared a last-ditch of my own.
Sparks shot out of my body as my blood ran hot. My arms were practically wreathed in lightning, and my fingertips had become a shimmering pale blue light.
Across from me, however, an entirely more fearsome build-up was occurring.
Rings of shimmering light pulsed out from Gaspard’s feet. His pale blue eyes had been replaced with icy flame, and his long, blonde hair had become a glistening silver.
The air around him was filled with shining stars that expanded and crystallised into solid mana crystals.
It was clear that whatever was coming, I could not contest it.
“
I attacked first, hoping to disrupt my foe and prevent the attack.
But despite the force of my attack creating a long crater with its shockwave alone, it amounted to nothing.
The glaive remained floating in place as Gaspard himself calmly flowed his hands through the incoming storm and directed it into the air. The clouds were dispersed in a wide area above our heads, but that was the end of my attack's effect.
Gaspard stepped back and resumed channelling his power as if nothing had happened.
I didn't want to be like the fool I killed, who fought without hope. It would be more dignified to survive and try again another time.
And so I prepared to run without shame.
“
Gaspard spoke softly and raised his glaive high.
And then, my own shadow rose to hold me in place. Its strength was less than my own, but it only had to hold me for a moment.
As the real attack was descending from the sky.
A pale beam of light engulfed me. My entire body was stricken with a cold that could be felt in the bones. The kind of frost that was so drastic it felt like I was on fire.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
But it only lasted a moment, as Rex reappeared and pulled me out of the area of effect
I had survived, but I could no longer move my body. I was as rigid as a board and could do nothing but allow Rex to place me to the side and watch as he engaged Gaspard alone.
It should have been a one-sided slaughter. And, in a way, it was.
But not in Gaspard’s favour.
The beast that Rex had become moved at ludicrous speeds, his eyes had become a pair of crimson infernos, and the wolf-like skull had grown a crown of warped horns.
His tail split into three and whipped with such velocity that the air was cracking repeatedly.
Gaspard leapt, lunged, and dived to avoid the inconceivable onslaught. But his body was slowly being shredded away.
Rex unleashed a wave of thick crimson fog from his mouth, and Gaspard was sent into a coughing fit, blood sputtering out of his mouth. His hair and eyes returned to normal as his mana was seared from his body from the inside.
The poison slowed his movements, and Rex’s claws greedily reached for more blood.
But Gaspard teleported to safety and hastily conjured the spirit of a large tortoise, its gem-encrusted shell angled to shield its master.
Rex let loose an ear-piercing screech, and I caught sight of a pile of mangled bodies inside his mouth.
They were the elves I had killed earlier…
At least, I had hoped it ended there. Imperials, Soleans, and students were also there. The beast had collected every corpse on campus by the look of it.
And that somehow lent it overwhelming power.
But it came at the cost of its intelligence. It no longer measured its attacks or analysed its foe. It simply attacked with the intent to kill.
The tortoise was pummelled into the ground and ripped in half, its essence seeping into the monster's mouth and causing it to grow even larger.
A bombardment of shimmering light and empowered slashes attempted to punish the creature's actions, but they were shrugged off without thought.
Gaspard tried to run, but an encirclement of thick, thorny vines burst from the ground to keep him in place.
He tried to use the glaive to teleport, but a single tail-whip was all it took to disarm him.
The beast lunged, driving its clawed thumb into Gaspard’s eyeball.
His scream was filled with equal parts fear and pain, and it continued even after the beast tossed him aside and brought its bloody hand to their mouth.
It stood tall on its hind legs and let out a slow, menacing growl.
Or maybe it was laughter. The skull appear to be smiling even wider than before.
It was a morbid scene. One that made it hard to feel relieved at Gaspard’s defeat. For one simple reason.
I could no longer tell what side the creature was on.
***
[A resolved soul]
The feeling of walking in empty space was indeed a strange one. Was I on flat ground? Was I walking in a straight line? Was I making any progress?
All questions that could not be adequately answered.
But my outlook was positive. The loneliness was a comfort, in its own strange way. The lack of any other influence meant I was free to explore my own mind as it was. Totally uninfluenced by others.
I pondered many things with my endless supply of time. Sometimes, a stray thought would even trigger a memory.
Nothing specific to myself. Just general things, like the existence of magic, or the best way to approach a cat.
Small things. Pointless, little thoughts of no consequence.
And yet they filled me with joy.
“.”
A small black cat suddenly appeared in the world of white. It sat a short distance away and stared at me. I crouched down, holding my hand out and being careful not to make any sudden movements.
The cat approached and rubbed its head against my hand. It was the first thing I could interact with directly. I took in everything. The soft fur, the way it moved, the sound of its purr.
Then it walked away, stopping briefly to look back at me expectantly.
Would it be right to follow? I left the path to find my own way, not to follow anybody else’s will.
But this cat was different from the others. It had appeared from nowhere only as the image of ‘cat’ entered my mind. Perhaps that was a sign.
Not from a higher power, but from my own subconscious.
So maybe it was right to trust this sign?
…
No. Maybe I had been looking at it all wrong from the start.
I sat down and called the cat over once more. This time, it settled into my lap, and we remained there.
I idly brushed its fur.
We remained for a long time.
The sheen of its coat began to fade, and its eyes became milky as its vision faded.
We remained for a long time.
It burrowed its little face into my stomach and exhaled deeply. I pet it gently, comforting it as it passed on.
I remained for a long time.
The graveyard and the monster reappeared before me. The monster watched expectantly as I carried the cat and placed it into an empty grave. The monster’s large black hand moved slowly, brushing the nearby mound of dirt into the grave and patting it down softly.
I shared a long look with the monster, and we parted ways again.
“!”
A small black kitten appeared before me, accompanied by the four-legged horned animals from earlier. The kitten clambered up my leg, and I shared a long look with the animals that led it to me. Both they and the monster vanished once more.
I was again left alone in the white void. Only the kitten remained with me.
Curiosity, interest, affection, attachment, love, loss, sadness, acceptance.
I experienced them all in what felt like both an eternity and the briefest of moments. It was the experience of life. The experience I was destined to repeat, should I remain
Should I feel despair? Hatred towards the cycle of life for taking my friend from me so cruelly? Or should I feel joy for the good memories?
Neither. It was just a simple reality. What I took from it was my own choice to make. There was no way to process any of it. Perhaps there was a way to change this cycle and remove the unpleasant parts, but then what would become of life as a whole?
If I never had to experience loss, would I ever appreciate what I had? If I were too afraid of this kitten dying, would I ever feel the joy of raising it? If death were removed, would life have purpose?
Suddenly, I began to fall.
A dark hole had opened beneath my feet, and I plummeted into a strange room.
There were four white walls plastered with various action-themed posters, a soft carpeted floor, and a large sofa littered with empty packets of junk food. It sat before a wide-screen television, and a young boy was sitting cross-legged on the floor as he watched a fight scene play out.
“Whoa! This is getting crazy! But where’s the headmaster? I thought she was meant to be strong? Did she run away?”
The small boy was bouncing up and down, excitedly talking to himself.
I tried to call out, but no sound emerged.
“Huh?”
And yet, he somehow heard me.
“What the? How’d you get here?”
The boy stood up in shock and sheepishly began cleaning the mess he had made.
“Th-this isn’t right! You aren’t ready yet!”
He tossed wrappers into a bin and ran up to me.
He looked no older than ten years old. His hair was an unnatural crimson, and his shining green eyes were brimming with youthful energy.
Who was he?
“Me? Uhh… I don’t think I should tell you that yet… sorry.”
He seemed to know something. Did he know who I was? Did he know why I was there?
“Yeah, I do!”
He looked proud of himself, but then looked away.
“But… yeah… can’t tell you that either. I think you need to do this alone. You aren’t meant to be here, you know?”
What was he watching? It looked like a superhero movie, one with a desperate hero fighting some strange monster.
“Hahaha! No way, that guy’s the worst!”
He pointed at the person I thought was the good guy.
“And this isn’t a movie, it’s real! Kind of like a… what did you call it… a life stream?”
I never called it that...
Was this really happening somewhere? Why was he watching such a thing at his age?
“There’s not much else to do.”
He shrugged.
“You—I mean… my, erm, , locks me out of all the fun places. I know it's to keep me safe, but it gets really boring.”
The child seemed to forget that I was not meant to be in his room and told me of his troubles.
I realised I may not get another chance like this to speak with another person. I did not want him to tell me what I was, but I did want to know how I appeared in another’s eyes.
“What do I think about you? I dunno…”
He frowned.
“I should probably hate you for what you did to me, but… I know you didn’t really have a choice. Sometimes I think you’re really smart and heroic, but then you do something terrible! I just don’t get it. That Lloyd guy is way easier to understand. Sometimes I wish we could just get along with him and see how a real hero lives.”
He spoke of things I did not understand.
“Oh, sorry! I forgot… Um… Well, it’s like this…”
He scratched his head as he tried to put his thoughts into words.
“You’re like… a hero who lies.”
I did not understand.
“Like, you lie to yourself a lot. Or maybe ‘lie’ is the wrong word… You try too hard to be ‘right’ and won’t let yourself be ‘wrong’. It’s like my mum used to tell you; it’s normal for people not to be sensible all the time, so yell and cry if that’s what you want to do.”
His eyes began to tear up as he spoke, and a flash of anger was directed at me as he mentioned a mother I did not know.
So I am a logically minded person? I do not believe there is anything wrong with that. But maybe I took it too far?
“Yeah! you’re too mean!”
The boy pointed at me accusingly.
“I can’t believe how cold you are to my—family! Why do you keep everyone at arm’s length! What makes them different from that s-sexy lady you’re so close with!?”
Faint memories were returning to me. I couldn’t quite piece everything together, but I got the feeling this boy had perhaps missed pieces of my life.
…life.
I looked back at the television. At the monster with its mouth filled with dead bodies.
“And who is this Poggy guy!? Why can’t I find tapes?”
The boy had stomped over to a shelf filled with old VCR tapes and squinted at them as he ran a finger along their spines.
I now understood what that shelf was. And I felt it was important not to look at them.
It would only impede my growth.
The nothingness. The path. The animals. The monster. The memories.
They were all an opportunity. Hints to guide me to a decision. But this boy was not a part of that. He was some other piece altogether.
“Hey, you leaving?”
He called out as I turned away.
I had peeked behind the curtain and obtained new information, but any further would only be to my detriment. There would be another chance to speak to this boy again, but understanding him right away may not be the best approach.
“Yeah… that’s right.”
He nodded with a sad smile.
“Well… bye, then.”
He waved, and the room vanished.
The black kitten hopped down from my shoulder and looked up at me patiently.
It was time to recap. What did I know for sure?
I was someone who already existed and had a history, as evidenced by my memories and the child's reactions.
There were foreign entities that could influence me, though they did not seem hostile. This could be seen in the actions of the monster and the animals.
Everything about the way this world reacted to my thoughts and actions suggested that it was designed to encourage my independent growth.
Which would mean I was right to only follow my own path. So why would that be the case?
The kitten walked around, leaving a trail of footprints despite there being no ground below us. They made the shape of an infinity symbol.
Eternity? No… an endless cycle.
That phrase drew to mind the word ‘meaning’. My meaning was related to an endless cycle.
The cycle of life? But who was I to have a goal so nebulous? What was I meant to do that related to such a thing?
The kitten walked again, creating two images. One of a large eye, and one of a horned animal. They stood on either side of infinity.
Were they the reason I had such a goal? Did they impose it upon me? Had I allowed them to define me until now? Is that why I was now looking at things with a new perspective?
It was my choice to follow them. But did I agree with their goal, or did I just agree with ?
The kitten placed two paws out, and a series of shadows emerged from each.
One showed a group of humanoid shapes standing in a circle, their heads hung low and their wrists bound.
The other showed those same people, full of life, but also full of hate. They appeared to be killing one another.
Both scenes flickered. The motionless people remained the same, but the fighting group were now laughing and embracing one another.
Another flicker. Still, the motionless group did nothing. The others now appeared to be mourning, but new, smaller shadows had joined them.
The scenes began repeating from the start, and the kitten waited for my reaction.
StagnationEternal life.
That was what stood on my left.
Chaos. Growth. Progression.
That was what stood on my right.
They were not just scenes. They were the two realities of my world. So…
If I could choose one to survive, which would it be?
I didn't need to consider that for long. It went beyond a personal distaste; I believed should be left stagnant forever. If I were in a position to cut that option out of the world forever, I would do it, regardless of what others thought.
No action was too drastic. No cruelty too far. Nothing was beyond my capabilities so long as it was in the service of a greater good.
Even if those who held the same goal gave up, I would not rest until the world was as it should be.
I would face any hardship, make any enemy, even betray those who trust me, all so long as the goal is met.
A hole appeared in the world above the kitten, who themself had begun to fade away. I knew instinctively that it would lead me back to where I belonged.
But I did not go.
There was more I had to internalise. More I had to carve into my very being. Because I was not defined solely by my goal.
There was a past covered in fog. One I feared to face or acknowledge. There was a reluctance within me, one that kept everything at bay out of fear of losing sight of my purpose.
That all had to change.
I could resolve everything. Achieve my goal. Stand uncontested. But if I had lost everything as a result, then I would still be left in at the end of it all.
The question of who I was did not hold as much meaning as
I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live without guilt. I wanted to do everything within my power to afford the same opportunity to others.
The hole opened wider, as if in response to my resolve. I stepped into it.
And returned to my body.
