Recap

  I propped my feet up on the cluttered private detective's desk and adjusted my yellow fedora. With an unlit cigar hanging from my mouth, I scanned the room. In front of the desk stood an absolute blonde goddess in a sunflower sundress, Joan Roy. She did not seem amused, not even remotely. Next to my chair, receiving head pats, was my trusty Tindalos Hound Puppy named Dalos.

  "I bet you're wondering how I got here." I grinned as I started my narration. "It all started..."

  "What the Hell are you talking about Clay?" The blonde beauty crossed her arms in front of her chest as she cut me off. She was still gorgeous even when she scowled.

  "I'm giving a recap." I stated, confused why Joan didn't understand.

  "To who?!" Joan looked around the room, making sure I understood we were alone.

  "But what if someone had a break between part one and two? Or even worse, what if some lunatic started on book two without ever finding out what happened before?" My exasperation was oddly sincere, which only seemed to frustrate Joan more. Dalos just enjoyed the extra head pats. "Even if I don't approve of the lifestyle of someone starting at part two of a five part saga, I still want to make sure to accommodate."

  All she could do was sigh loudly in response. "It's impossible to tell if you're completely deranged, or just a nerdy idiot. Do you actually think you're trying to narrate a recap to some random third party, or are you just doing a bit because you are the biggest nerd I've ever met?"

  "Does it matter?" I did my best Dalos impersonation, unveiling my puppy dog eyes. "We just finished the first investigation and now we're about to start a new journey. It would be overkill to do a clip-show of our adventures, so I figure a recap would be fine."

  "Is there anything I can do to make you stop?" Cracks were forming in her resolve.

  "No." I made sure to flash a confident grin at her, which seemed to hurt my case much more than help it. "Besides, until that god gives us the announcement, we're stuck in here. So why don't we go over everything that's happened so far."

  When Joan plopped down on the leather chair on the other side of the desk, she spread her sundress out and crossed her legs. Even though I had been given an ability called Read the Room, it didn't have the ability to tell me anything other than if she wanted to physically harm me or how her level compared to mine. But I didn't need a special ability to tell that her face was saying 'Just get your little bit over with.'

  "I bet how you're wondering how I got here." I restarted the speech, because I always wanted to do this kind of cliched recap setup, and I wasn't going to let Joan's interruption derail my attempt. "It all started when..."

  Following a pretty devastating breakup, I had boarded a Lovecraft-themed couples cruised called The Love Craft. I wasn't going to let my heartbreak or social awkwardness get in the way of a good time... Or maybe I was just being cheap and didn't want to waste the non-refundable tickets I'd already purchased.

  Surrounded by happy couples, I quickly regretted my decision. I felt completely alienated. I could tell I didn't belong with the rest of the passengers.

  Just as I was about to give up, I met her. She was an absolute goddess. It was almost like she came from a different world. Her name was Joan, and she had gone out of her way to strike up a conversation with a lowly bottom-feeder like myself.

  It didn't take long until we were running all over the ship having little adventures like love-struck teenagers. I felt like I was king of the world.

  Sadly, this world just wouldn't allow such perfection to last. Someone driving the ship... Was it called driving if it was a boat? It was flying when it was a plane, so was it floating for a boat? No, that didn't sound right. Anyway... Someone driving the ship did a shitty job and drove us into some crazy giant eldritch deity's tentacle or something. Either way, the ship was going to sink.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

  Joan and I were unable to get to life rafts, possibly because of a shortage. Instead, we were floating in the water. Because of my impressive height of five eleven and a half feet tall, I was unable to fit on the wooden door Joan was using to stay afloat. It wasn't long until...

  "That's the plot of Titanic." Her voice cut off my recap. "I mean there were little bits of your story that happened, but that was literally just the plot of Titanic. And I strongly oppose to that whole love story part. Is that how you see us because you're going to be very disappointed.

  "You're the playwright here, Joan. If anyone can understand the point of embellishment for the sake of drama, it should be you." I pushed back. When we had been dragged underwater by the same eldritch deity who sunk the ship, we were dragged into some sort of alternate table-top gaming world run by the idiot deity Azathoth. We'd all been given occupation names. Joan's was The Playwright which suited her because she claimed to be a playwright even though I doubted theaters were still a thing. I was given some sort of weird title +h3 /\/u11, and told directly by that god that I wasn't supposed to be there (the story of my life).

  "If you keep going, I will sue you for slander. I would hardly consider us friends, so the idea of us being in love is so far from reality that it's criminal." She always knew the best ways to hurt me. Still, I knew she cared about me. She was right that there was no romantic love between the two of us. She might not outwardly admit it, but I knew she had platonic love for me, like she was my sister or mother.

  "Can I keep going?.. With the recap, I mean." Realizing I would only find more pain at the end of our little back-and-forth, I decided to change the topic. Joan simply nodded, looking annoyed.

  We had found two other passengers from the ship in this new world. One was this complete psychotic abuser named Raif who looked like CBGB's bastard kid. The other was a quiet musical genius, Tara. Unfortunately, Tara was the target of most of Raif's abuse, so it didn't make for a fun dynamic. It actually killed some of the comedic elements of the story. Imagine being such a downer of a human being that your abuse sucks the hilarious comedy out of an epic story... Thanks Raif.

  Anyway, we were a rag-tag group of outcasts with a common goal. We had to solve the mystery of Marblehead's missing townspeople, or that god would eventually kill us.

  Stuff happened that I'd rather forget, and we eventually found us in an underground labyrinth in pursuit of the solution to our mystery. Along the way, we were faced with an abundance of booby traps. Each of us contributed to moving forward. Data used his gadgets to help us cross a gap or something, and I had to remember my childhood piano lessons to unlock a...

  "Goonies." She cut me off again. "That's the plot of Goonies. You somehow got even less correct than your first Titanic-based recap."

  "You know The Goonies?!" My heart skipped a beat as I had resist from leaping over the desk and hugging Joan. She had always portrayed herself as a patron of the finer arts, so she knew all of the literature stuff while I knew the nerdy pop culture stuff. Every once in a while, she would let it slip that she recognized my references.

  "I had a childhood... Of course I know the Goonies." She stated mater-of-factly, "But don't change the subject. That was absolutely nothing like what actually happened. I mean, yeah, we went into a tunnel where Raif and your girlfriend tried to murder us."

  "She's not my..." I found myself taking Joan's bait. She knew how much of a soft spot I had for Tara, and she took every opportunity to remind me that she disapproved. In many cases, it would come off as jealousy, but in this case Joan refused to forgive Tara for being a co-conspirator in our attempted murder. Even though I knew it was all Raif's manipulation that made Tara go along with his plan, Joan wasn't willing to trust her. "Anyway, you're leaving out the part where she saved our lives when fighting the... H-O-U-N-D-S."

  "Are you seriously spelling hounds? I don't think Dalos even knows what's going on." She criticized my cautiousness. My pet Dalos was actually the leader of a pack of Tindalos Hounds sent to kill us in a situation unrelated to the time Raif and Tara tried to kill us... Wow, it seemed like everyone kept trying to kill us. We were the wrong kind of popular. Anyway, after Tara headbutted the Tindalos Hound leader to next Tuesday, I somehow managed to tame it. The end result was the adorable ball of miasma that my hand was petting.

  "Dalos is a good boy. I refuse to let you confuse him or hurt his feelings." I felt the little puppy head press itself into my palm. I was convinced he knew much more than Joan gave him credit for. He was my familiar after all, so our bond was much deeper than the average owner and their pet. To be honest, I still didn't fully know what that meant, but...

  After the battle, I was inconsolable. I'd lost my father, so I spent my days shooting hoops by myself. That was until I found Dalos. He made it so I didn't feel so alone anymore. It wasn't just me shooting hoops by myself anymore, surprisingly Dalos showed a knack for basketball.

  With my knowledge of Dalos' talent for basketball, we used a loophole to add him to my youth basketball team. The other teams had no answer for Dalos' basketball skill, so we...

  "Air Bud?! Seriously?!" Despite Joan's objections, Dalos barked with glee. At least someone liked my story. "There was literally no part of that recap that actually happened."

  "Are you implying that Dalos doesn't have mad basketball skills?" I scratched Dalos' ears. "It's ok little guy, the mean lady can't hurt you, we're in a safe room. I know you can do anything you set your mind to. Even if it's beating a bunch of kids in youth basketball games."

  Joan groaned, which meant she was clearly giving permission to give the final part of our recap before that god could interrupt me with our starting announcement.

  It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my way to reconciling with my estranged wife. Her employer was having a Christmas party at their place of business, the Nakatomi Plaza skyscraper. Unfortunately, my efforts for reconciliation were cut short when Professor Snape from the Harry Potter movies launched a terrorist raid...