“Seriously, seriously. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through, April…” Having heard the recounting of that dreadful day, Alexandria could do nothing but hold a solemn expression. She wanted to reach out, to embrace April once more, but she wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. She wanted to stroke her hair, and tell her everything will be okay. But she wasn’t sure if it would be appreciated. She wanted to do something, anything. To communicate the essence of her feelings.
What was in front of her now however, was an April that she had never, ever seen before. No longer present was the nonchalant, ‘over-it’ attitude. Instead, the person before Alexandria was absolutely defeated. Crumbled, turning to dust. The stoicism that she had come to expect, that sense of comfort she had come to know, that safety that she counted on, was no longer with us.
But that wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so bad at all to see another side of her. Would she show this side to just anyone? If Steven returned right this moment, would she quickly piece herself together and try to project a strong front, just like always? It was something she wouldn’t have an answer to unless he walked through the door right at this very moment. But, that wasn’t something she wanted. As far as Alexandria was concerned, anything beyond that door was nothing more than an extension of the empty space outside of this ship.
April leaned forward, as if she were trying to enter a fetal position, but she was still sitting down. She clutched her head with her hands. “Worst of all… Absolutely worst of all… I can’t even say it. Why couldn’t I say something so simple to her?” Alexandria didn’t know what to make of what April had started to talk about. As far as she could tell anyway, there wasn’t any link between the story she had just heard, and what she had heard just now.
“Just a few words… And I can’t say them? To my Mom? Did I lose the capability? Did the words go away, along with my heart?” April clutched her head, tighter and tighter. Wrapped between her fingers was her long brown hair. With one strong jerk, who knows how much of it she would be ripping out. Alexandria wanted to reach out, to touch her hair and tell her it’ll be okay, but she hesitated, and put her hand down.
“I don’t think your heart went away, April…” She tried to reassure the form of the woman fading away before her.
“What do you know?” Her breath caught in her throat upon hearing that response. “What do you know about me? You’ve known me for just a few years, right? You don’t know what I used to be like. You don’t know the things going on, in here!” April slowly began to raise her voice as she spoke, as she jabbed her finger straight into her chest, where her heart was. “My Father died, and I never got to properly show him what he meant to me! My Mom is going to die, and I couldn’t once in my adult life express my love for her, like I’m some stupid fucking kid who can’t find the words!” Her voice continued to raise, the hands that were clutching her hair now in front of her, holding bits of hair in between her fingers.
“And now, here I am. Completely miserable, lashing out at those around me because I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything right. Not a single thing. All you’re doing is trying to be nice to me. I get that, really, I do. So why am I acting like this? It’s simple! It really is! There’s something rotten within me! I’m miserable and all I can do is take it out on others, because there’s nothing else about me worth anything! That Enforcer. I’m just like him, after all.” Her face contorting, as if she were sincerely in pain, and her voice tapering off, as she tacks on a final reflection about the Enforcer from earlier.
Tears were running down her face, and all Alexandria could feel was compassion. There was no anger, there was no frustration, even despite being lashed out at like this. –No, that would be wrong. There was frustration. But, before she could dive into those feelings– “It’s okay now. I understand. Really, I do. It’s not that there’s something inside of me that’s rotten, it’s that everything about me is rotten. Do you believe in God, Alex? I don’t think I do. But there are times, times like this, where it feels possible to deny. There surely must be one, and he must sincerely, from the bottom of his heart, loathe my existence. To kill my Father, to take my Mom, to put me on a path where I will live and die on this ship. It’s an action without love.”
“So, it’s okay. I understand it now. Really. Whatever forces there are, whatever makes things happen in the universe, they want me to give up. Maybe that’s the path that had been decided for me outside of my control. So, okay. I get it. Please, you and Steven. I can’t drag you down any more than this. You– you two, you don’t deserve this. You both deserve so much better than me. So, it’s okay. If you and him both leave. It’s okay.” April’s voice was hoarse, it had become shaky over the course of her rant. In front of Alexandria, April had decided to lay it all on the table, to let her know how she really felt.
Her frustration boiled, yet she didn’t know what to say. Was she going to let April continue on like this? Tearing herself apart, isolating herself? She began to clench her fist. It’s something that Alexandria had read before in comics, somebody feeling so pent up they can only clench their fist. Personally, she thought it a bit cliche. However, here she was. Her emotions reached a boiling point.
April tried to stand up, but her knees immediately gave out, and she landed right back on the bed she had been sitting on. Her face was downcast, almost as if she couldn’t even brave looking Alexandria in the eyes. There was a moment of silence, before she began to speak once more. “The kindness you two showed me over the years has been a great gift. I cannot thank you enough. But, It’s okay now. Your efforts are better spent on someone more worth–”
As April attempted to end the interaction, as she attempted to chide herself one last time, Alexandria cut her off. “You asked me what I know about you? Well, what do you know about me!? You go on and on about all this self loathing crap, talking about being rotten, talking about not being worth our affection. When the hell do you get to decide who I do and don’t get to spend my time with?! I didn’t do it out of charity, you know? I did it because I enjoyed it! Because I enjoyed you!”
April was stunned, at a loss for words. Never in the entirety of knowing each other had they had a moment like this. It was as if April didn’t know that Alexandria had it in her. And honestly, she didn’t know either. “What do you know… about the you that I know?” As a tear rolled down her cheek, she turned and left April’s bedroom. That was the final comment that she had made, before the two went their separate ways.
△▼△▼△▼△
It had been 48 hours since her capture. Perhaps as a show of force, or to make an example out of her, the sentencing procedure had been rapidly accelerated. There were murmurs of a district judge having issues with such a quick sentence, but he was ultimately convinced that this was for ‘the greater good’. Many things have changed aboard this ship during her time here.
As a part of the Trailblazer generation, she had grown up familiar with the attitude associated with being a Trailblazer. “Ask not what your country can do for you– ask what you can do for your country.” The opportunity to board the U.S.S. Starlight Hope was seen as an opportunity to reinvent the United States. Of course, there was some derision about this choice. Some viewed it as a mockery of the founding fathers and of the constitution. Others did not trust the vision of the first Administration.
The first Administration of the U.S.S. Starlight Hope was something that Vickie did not get to experience, as well, she was merely a very young child. A two term presidency that sought to unite the ship during such a tumultuous time for the human race, for Americans. They would oftentimes believe in reaching across the aisle, for if there was no cohesion, then this experiment atop the ship would not come to last. They appealed to the conservatives by poring through books of old, to match legal precedent of The United States and of the U.S.S. Starlight Hope as closely as possible.
However, this attitude was not quite appreciated by the conservatives, who continued to criticize the Administration for attempting to replace America. They appealed to the moderates by attempting to display unity and working even with people they disagreed with. They would bring on both hardcore conservatives, and hardcore progressives, to attempt to show that they do not work along party lines. However, this attitude was not quite appreciated by the moderates, who were uninterested in the happenings of suits, and just wanted a good quality of life.
They would signal that they were open to working with the progressives, but when they would appeal to the Administration about the pitfalls that the government had fallen into on Earth, they would end up being ignored, as they ‘weren’t interested in unity’. An Administration that sought to bring together the vessel, had ended up capitulating to the demands of one political camp.
Surely one could argue that the first Administration truly had the best interest of Americans at heart. Those good sentiments however could only go so far, decades down the line. With each passing administration, the conservative coalition grew stronger. With each passing administration, they would show that they were willing to bypass constitutional law, something that they claimed they held so sacred when virtue signaling to a base of supporters every four years.
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
In an effort to crack down on “anti-American sentiments”, they would violate due process, and violate legal procedures such as habeas corpus to detain and imprison people who were suspected to be acting against the state. As the liberals hopelessly debated and promoted policy, the conservatives remained a step ahead. Rather than combing over the meticulous details of ‘policy’, something the common person had no interest in, the conservatives were exceptionally good at creating a story.
As the ship dealt with resource scarcity, as it grappled with misallocation of other resources, and a slow crawl towards fascism, something that had been such a pointed enemy for the United States at some point, the conservatives painted a wonderful narrative towards those suffering masses. ‘It’s not your fault.’ Words that any American, any human, would love to be comforted by. Truly, you can pull the wool over anybody's eyes as long as you can assure them that they aren’t responsible for something. Especially if, in an instance like this, you can point them towards an enemy.
As the conservatives weave together multiple falsehoods spun to their base, so too do they construct an enemy. Purely, entirely made out of straw. An enemy that has no requirement to exist. What makes it even better is if later on, those ‘rebels’ and ‘anti-fascists’ you spoke so adamantly about, actually do come to exist to fight back against you. It doesn’t matter if the foundation of the country you originated from was born out of resistance. That can be erased. It’s an essential part of narrativizing. After all, what is a story without an antagonist?
Entering the room she was detained in, a group of Enforcers entered her ‘cell’. There isn’t much use in describing the type of room she was placed in. It wasn’t exceptional. It was much like rooms described prior. Much of this ship was dreary, depressing, dull. And it seemed that with each passing year, the halls only grew more grey. The sound of metal clicking apart, and the Enforcer before her had removed his helmet. An ordinary man stood before her. A look so deceptive, that you realize such hideous poison can be amongst you anywhere on this ship.
“It’s time. Though, we’re doing this one a little differently.” The man voiced, his hoarse, rugged voice filling the empty, desolate room. “Grab her.” Adding that on, the other Enforcers move in two single file lines into the room, and hoist up Vickie by her arms. She would wriggle, she would writhe. Unfortunately, her attempts to break free were for naught.
Her eyes had to adjust to the bright lights of the rest of the ship, but she could hear the hushed voices of people. Not just two, or three, or four. There was a whole crowd. She could feel her knees bouncing off of steps. They didn’t even have the decency to lift her over them. As they reached the top of their ascent, she was tossed onto wood paneling, her aged body bouncing atop, bumping against it here and there. She briefly thought of the bruises that could come from that, but deep down she knew. She knew that she wouldn’t have the opportunity to worry about the future.
“The Administration comes before all of you, to show you our conviction. To show you that there is no place for traitors. We all have a duty to our country on this ship. Some people, however, want to see our country fail.” As the rugged Enforcer without his helmet speaks, he places his hands together in front of him, and slowly walks around the stage. Clearly, making a show of the situation before the audience. As if trying to rile them up.
He stops in place, suddenly, and looks down at Vickie who lay writhing on the hardwood floor. “What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is an avowed member of an anti-American extremist group aboard our ship. They hate our values. They hate our peace. They disrupt the flow of food, supplies. And today, we take a stand.” Midway through speaking, he turns towards the crowd, as if appealing to them. As if keeping a close eye on the faces of the spectators as he weaves his narrative.
“And now, we get to show you what happens when you don’t believe in America. When you don’t believe in Starlight Hope.” Taking his hands apart, he looks out at the crowd, quickly nodding his head. What is he trying to do, convince himself, even? After a brief silence, he spins around and kneels down to be on Vickie’s level. He places his hand under her chin, and tilts her face up to look right at him. “Not much of a Trailblazer, are you?”
He smirks as he says it, before standing up, and calling out the Enforcers around him. “Secure the perimeter.” The Enforcers draw their weapons, including the man before her. A handgun is clutched in his right hand. Her heart rate elevates, sweat begins to drip down her forehead. Her eyes darted around the crowd. To the left. To the right. Dead center. Is she here? Is she present? She can’t make her out in the crowd, she just has something to say. Something she needs to say.
The man pulls back the slide of the handgun. Not enough to rack it, just enough to make sure a round is chambered, and he releases the slide. “Today is going to mark a new era of Starlight Hope. A real era of hope. No longer will we allow fear, or doubt, to sweep through these halls.” As he continues his storytelling, Vickie continues to search the crowd, but when she can’t find her, she goes for a last ditch effort. “April! April!” She yells out, cutting through his speech. He continues on anyway, as the people in the crowd begin to simultaneously cheer, and protest.
Two Enforcers come to Vickie’s side, and pull her up to her feet. “Today, we send a message. We are not afraid. America is not afraid.” She is. She’s afraid. She doesn’t think she had been a bad mother, but she knows that she hadn’t been a good one. Arrogantly, selfishly, she had spent so much time along with so many others trying to push her daughter into a path she didn’t even know if she wanted. It’s something that caused her much pain these past four years.
For so long, she had had so much instilled in her. So much purpose, so much weight to her existence. She thought she had a duty to pass on that goal. She thought she had a duty to pass on those values. All of it was meaningless. All of it caused April so much pain. She had to say something, but she couldn’t find the words. What can you possibly say in such a short, limited amount of time? She scanned, she hoped that her cries were heard. Even if she saw her in that crowd right now, she has no idea what she would say. To make up for all the harm, all the trauma, all the hopelessness that girl might have felt.
The man turned around away from the crowd finally. He walked around Vickie and the two Enforcers, and approached her from behind. As she cried, sobbed, and begged to find her one and only out there in the crowd, she felt something pressing on the back of her head. “Someone ratted you out, Vick. You know that? Hah. You got any last words?” Giving her a final bombshell before the end, he chuckles to himself, before asking her that final question.
That’s what she saw. Suddenly, a young woman, her hair draped down. Uncharacteristic of her who more often than not kept her hair tied up behind her head. Tears streamed down her face, a look of pure, unimaginable horror and agony upon her face as she rounded that corner. She must have heard the news about what was happening in the common area, and rushed over as fast as she could. Grabbing onto her arm and holding her back from rushing up was Steven. Ahhh. Well, she left everything to him after all.
As Vickie and April locked eyes, that uncertainty that existed within her prior vanished to naught. The woman who just before, was lost for a message to impart unto her daughter, the woman who couldn’t navigate the haze to find what she needed to say to her, arrived on the words that she couldn’t get out. Amidst the sound of the cheers of support. Amidst the sound of the cries of the opponents. Amidst the chatter of the Enforcer’s as they ensured the perimeter was secured. She cut through the noise, all to communicate that one message.
–“It’s yours. Only yours.”
△▼△▼△▼△
Sat in her room, she had finally completely, and utterly lost it all. Her Father that had acted as her heart, that she failed to cherish. Her friends that had acted as her support, that she naively pushed away. And now, her Mother, that had given her everything, that now she had failed to save. It would perhaps be an unfair appraisal, that she had failed to save her. Realistically, what could one girl, or even three young adults, do against the Administration? It gave her exactly what she wanted, though. Alex was right. All she wanted to do was destroy herself, so that she no longer had to continue.
Hearing that lone gunshot ring out through the common area had momentarily ended the noise in the hall, as onlookers and Enforcers alike turned towards the stage to witness the aftermath of an execution. Her relationship with her Mother, was now closed. Of course, she had held resentment for the tumultuous path their relationship had taken in the years prior. Of course, she had held discomfort when in her presence due to that relationship. Now, the path to recovery, has been irrevocably destroyed.
She continued to put it off. Always, always. It was something for her to deal with later. Her feeling of frustration due to being forced on a path. Her feeling of inadequacy as her Mother became more and more absent after her Father’s death. Her feelings of regret having butted heads over so many things over the years. Her complacency, her arrogance, and her naivety had now robbed her of the opportunity to ever right her wrongs. And now, she was left at the terminus.
The rot from inside of her had fully consumed her. She had now become nothing but rot. Having pushed away her friends, having failed her Father, and now, having completely lost her final link to her humanity, the existence known as April Wanless would shrivel to naught. With nary a shred of hope left within, she would reach for her prized possession. It had been something left behind by her Father. Something, admittedly, the family was not supposed to have.
Opening her closet door, she shuffled around some things that were stacked atop one another, until she extracted a decently weighty, small box. Placing it on the floor in front of her, she sat cross-legged on the floor alongside it. Taking off the lid of the box, revealed inside is April’s ‘prized possession’. Nestled inside would definitely be considered contraband, something she could never even be sure how her Father had obtained. Lifting it out of the box, what was held in her hands, was a snub-nosed revolver, chambered for .38 Special.
