Blink and Gill flashed across the Skybotron. “Looks like we have a last-minute warrior entry,” Blink chimed. “And shocker—it’s a human!”
“What?!” Gill croaked.
The scoreboard graphic hovered between them. Blink gestured towards it, “As expected, we have Dom Blady ranked number one.”
The graphic scrolled downward with blurring speed until it reached the bottom. Blink pointed at the last slot, “And then, we have…”
SAM.
Level 1 Human.
Hopeless Rookie.
0 Points.
“Sam?” Gill scowled. “Who is this guy?!”
“Let’s take a peek.”
Suddenly, I was watching a live shot of myself on the Skybotron. I had a black eye and was missing a tooth. I looked like a complete buffoon, and I remembered that this was being broadcast live across the multiverse. I clammed up, instantly nervous and self-aware.
“Oh… uh… hey.” I waved, my amplified voice echoing like an intergalactic doofus.
Suddenly, the Skybotron flashed with a graphic accompanied by a musical stinger.
Rivalry Alert!
The Skybotron cut to a split screen of me and the Slaytriots, who appeared to be in the ruins of some city. Blady, Jess, and Rod were flipping over burnt cars with their bare hands. They looked up into the camera and I could only imagine they were seeing my face as I was seeing theirs.
Jess spoke, irritated, “Mistake. Showing him mercy.”
“Kid won’t last an hour,” Blady growled. “Come on! Move it!”
The split-screen dissolved back to Gill who looked flabbergasted, “You know, I never understood why some species can’t face extinction with a shred of dignity.”
“I hear ya, pal,” Blink nodded. “And it appears our fans have something to say about this new warrior as well.”
A quick montage of fan reaction shots flashed across the Skybotron. Alien watchers booed, hissed, and tossed their refreshments at the screens. Betting boards lit up with staggering odds pitted against my survival. Creatures of all races shoved fists and claws filled with credits into bookies’ faces, all trying to lay down bets on my demise.
A war horn blasted as the Skybotron cut back to Blink and Gill.
“Uh oh! You know what that means?!” Blink exclaimed.
I snapped my head around as the war horn rang out. “What was that?!”
A new notification banner popped into view.
Monster Seeding Initiated.
“That’s right, all you snackers, get your bowls of popplegroxx ready!” Blink bellowed. “As we speak, monsters are spawning at random all across the global game map.”
Gill nodded, “Ooooh. This is my favorite part!”
I was running full speed, hauling ass now. I huffed between strides, “Hey, ERNI… what kinda monsters are we facing? Cute, fuzzy Pixar guys… or the skullfuck you with talons variety?”
“While I don’t have specifics, the first quarter usually includes lower classes… 5 through 7. Smaller, and easier to defeat. But, sometimes there are surprises.”
“Surprises?! I don’t… like the… sound of that.”
I made my way to the Ducati. I righted the bike and dusted off the ash.
“Do you know how to operate this vehicle?” ERNI asked.
I looked down with sudden realization. “Uh… no.”
I hopped on and started it up. The Ducati lurched forward, and I nearly flipped off the seat. I managed to regain my balance and wrestled the bike onto a semi-straight path.
“Oh jeez… okay… I might be able to do this.”
A notification flashed—
New Trophy! Daring Dumbass.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
“Daring Dumbass Trophy? What’s that all about?”
“Trophies appear in your virtual trophy case and commemorate in-game achievements. Collecting them is a quick way to earn points. In this case, the game master system thinks you are foolish to ride a vehicle you have no business operating and has rewarded you for your stupidity.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
As I rode, I skimmed the readouts, taking notice of one particular stat increase.
Fans: 91.
“Hell yeah! Ninety-one new fans! That’s good, right?”
“Statistically, it is not.”
As the Ducati raced forward, I shouted, unable to make out the conversation over the oncoming wind.
“WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
“One moment,” ERNI said.
ERNI spoke again, though this time, inaudibly. Instead, I heard his voice directly in my brain. An accompanying transcript flashed across my HUD like a text conversation.
ERNI has entered mental chat.
ERNI: Is this better?
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“YES!” I yelled.
ERNI: There is no need for you to respond audibly. This is Mental Chat—a stealth speech feature we’ll use in loud environments or when silence is required because enemies are near. Just as you can hear my voice in your thoughts, simply think your replies and I’ll be able to hear them as well. Go ahead. Test it out.
ME: LIKE THIS?!
ERNI: Yes, but there is no need to scream your thoughts. Simply think of how you would normally speak.
ME: Oh. My bad. This is weird. Tickles a little.
ERNI: In time, you will get used to it.
ME: So what is this… telepathy?
ERNI: Not exactly. This is more of a subsonic neural conduction, but do we really want to get into those details right now?
ME: No. Good point.
----
We spotted a row of untouched equipment trunks and pulled over. After opening each and touching the holograms inside, a list of notifications flashed across my HUD. Then, the items auto-minimized into the playbook icon.
Items Acquired:
1x Can: ‘Hold My Beer’ Ale.
Cutesy Cranium Keeper.
A Warrior’s Guide To Combat” Pamphlet.
Warrior Name Tag.
1x Bottle: Healer-Ade.
Squishy Stress Ball.
Kazoo of Crushed Spirits.
Slayer Bowl Memories Portrait.
Rubber Chicken Nunchucks.
Somersault Superstar Play
T-shirt Cannon.
I hopped back on the bike and got moving again.
ME: Hey ERNI… one of those loot crate pick ups was a ‘play.’ Tell me more about it.
ERNI: Just like in traditional sports, plays are in-game strategies. Some grant temporary abilities and power-ups, while others augment environmental or enemy behavior.
ME: Sweet. Why don’t you give me a rundown of everything we just stashed.
ERNI: We cannot analyze playbook contents while operating a moving vehicle.
ME: Why not?
ERNI: You must be stationary in order to examine the items.
ME: Why?
ERNI: The ISL doesn’t believe in distracted driving.
ME: You gotta be freakin’ kidding me!
----
We were on I-76, the Schuylkill expressway, navigating the wreckage of scorched gridlock. The endless string of charred vehicles could have easily been mistaken for the blackened vertebrae of some roasted beast. I was getting better on the bike, weaving in and out of the jagged obstacles and hazards.
“Ahh look at that action!” Blink said as the Skybotron cut to warriors battling an incoming horde of winged rat-like critters. The flying vermin twisted mid-air, firing steaming hot acid shits at the warriors. Some screamed as their skin was liquified to the bone.
One poor bastard clawed his face off as his eyeballs liquified from their sockets, pooling inside his mouth.
Other warriors were successful in evading the attack. They flipped and tumbled out of the way and swatted the creatures down with pipes and metal knuckles. Ripping them apart by the wings. Flinging wet carcasses to the ground.
From the highway, I could hear thundering blasts and see plumes of smoke rising between the skyscrapers down in Center City.
ME: What’s going on down there?
ERNI: Likely some warriors have already retrieved their orbs. Since monsters are instinctively drawn to the orbs, this sets off clashes.
ME: Well, can’t we just avoid the orbs to avoid the monsters?
ERNI: Not if you wish to make it to the fourth quarter to confront Dom Blady. Retrieving orbs and scoring orbdowns are essential to remain in the game. Plus, you will need the points. You will also need some memorable monster kills in order to earn fans and corporate sponsors. From a strategy standpoint, sponsors are critical because of their ability to send in-game perks and gear.
Several alien warriors zipped past me, leaping at breakneck speeds in power armor. One tossed a grenade in my direction. It detonated just ahead of me, erasing a huge chunk of asphalt. I swerved as the shockwave nearly blew me off the Ducati.
“Ahhhh!” I grunted, struggling to regain control of the handlebars.
I veered around the smoldered wreckage of an armed troop carrier and wrestled the bike back into a straight line.
ME: That was close! Hang on. Gonna find some cover so I can check out my inventory.
ERNI: Good idea.
----
I exited the highway, steered down a couple of side streets and headed towards the shadowy entrance to an underground parking garage. A mechanical lift-gate barred the entrance. I ducked down and gunned the throttle. The bike rocketed through the gate, sending shattered bits of fiberglass everywhere. The Ducati screamed down the ramp and into a world of darkness.
Down below, the busted headlight flickered like a strobe, offering momentary glimpses into the void. The garage was cluttered with idle vehicles, queued for exit. They sat still, their windows coated with ash residue from the vaporizations. ERNI and I took it all in.
ERNI spoke audibly again. “They call this the ‘Planet Purge.’ It happens before every Slayer Bowl. Apparently, it makes planets much easier to steal.”
I was silent—many emotions brewing. With our systems synced, I could tell ERNI sensed exactly how I was feeling.
“It is most unfortunate what happened to your mother.”
The Ducati parked, I sat on the hood of a car. The garage rocked from a surface blast above. Bits of concrete crumbled down from the ceiling.
“Alright, ERNI… let’s check the loot!”
The playbook opened to a new page. It was made up of a grid of squares, populated by icons.
The first item, zoomed front and center. It was a can of beer. The 3D graphic rotated as if it were on an invisible turntable.
1x Can: ‘Hold My Beer’ Ale.
Lowers Inhibitions 50%.
“Okay,” I said. “Next.”
The beer can zoomed back to the grid in the background. In its place, a helmet zoomed up front. It was hot pink, decorated with glitter and star stickers and had a large unicorn horn protruding from the front. An info label appeared just above.
Cutesy Cranium Keeper.
Reduces Head Trauma.
“What is this?” I scoffed. “Where’s the good gear?”
“Some rewards are better than others. Although, this item does provide a tangible protection benefit.”
“Next.”
The helmet slid back into the grid as a pamphlet and a name tag came forward.
”A Warrior’s Guide To Combat” Pamphlet.
Warrior Name Tag.
I reached out and opened the pamphlet. It was completely blank inside, with the exception of two words:
“Don’t die.”
“Oh, great. Real helpful.”
I grabbed the name tag to get a closer look. It read:
”Hello, my name is Warrior.”
I tossed aside both items, which minimized back into my inventory.
“Can’t we get something useful?”
Next up was:
1x Bottle: Healer-Ade.
Recovers 50% Health. Does not replace lost limbs or compensate for extreme stupidity.
Squishy Stress Ball.
Relieves Stress.
Kazoo of Crushed Spirits.
Demoralizes Enemies by 25%.
I perked up, “Okay. Not a total loss. Next.”
Slayer Bowl Memories Portrait.
It was a bad, framed photo of me looking bruised and confused on the Skybotron. Blink and Gill were superimposed on either side of my face, flashing cheesy smiles and thumbs up. At the bottom of the portrait were the words: “Sweet Slayer Bowl Memories.”
“Next!”
Next up was:
Rubber Chicken Nunchucks.
These Mothercluckers Pack A Wallop.
What the hell did that mean?
These were exactly as they sounded. It was a pair of nunchucks fashioned by two rubber chickens tied together by the feet, their open mouths serving as the striking ends.
“These weapons suck!” I grumbled.
“They might actually be useful,” ERNI interjected.
Up next:
Somersault Superstar Play.
Auto-evade enemy attacks via somersaults for a period of 60 seconds.
“What kind of stupid shit is this? I’m trying to kill monsters not win a gold medal. Ugh. Let’s see the last one.”
The final item slid forward:
T-shirt Cannon.
Preloaded with 6 “I Survived Annihilation” T-shirts.
Mission Complete: Find Weapons.
“Useless. Every last one.” I muttered, swiping it back into the playbook. “So, that’s it, huh? That’s all I have to work with?”
“You will obtain better power-ups as you find more equipment trunks and corpses to loot.”
SQUEAAKK!
Instinctively, I switched to mental chat, reacting to the noise in the far corner of the garage.
ME: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
ERNI: According to the map…
I glanced at the circular map in the corner. A red dot appeared.
ERNI: …that is your first monster.
