I walked the glowing path, taking slow and deliberate steps, partly to be careful, but also because I was completely mesmerized by this beautiful underground labyrinth of crystal. Count Basil peeked out every so often, only to retreat back inside the climate controlled comforts of the quest sack.

  Each footfall of my boots made a hearty crunch on the glass-like ground. The repetitive, rhythmic crackle reminded me of…

  “Pop Rocks!” I laughed aloud. “Maaaan… Pop Rocks.”

  “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” ERNI asked.

  I knew that ERNI was intent on using his recent binge of Earth culture to liven up his voice, but I was already missing his aloof accountant-like delivery.

  “You know, ERNI, you don’t have to use quite so many pop culture references in your dialogue. Think of it kind of like a chef with seasoning. A little salt is good, but too much can spoil the meal.”

  “Are you concerned about your potassium levels? I can run a blood data analysis on your electrolytes.”

  “No. No. I’m just saying… go easy with your quips. One every now and then is great. Too many make people roll their eyes.”

  “Ah, understood. Thank you. That is informative feedback. I will work on moderating my usage of such references going forward.”

  “I think that’s best. But to answer your question, Pop Rocks was this awesome candy I had growing up as a kid. It was like dehydrated fruit crystals or something. When you put it in your mouth and it moistened on your tongue, it would crackle and pop like small explosions inside of your mouth.”

  “That doesn’t sound pleasant at all.”

  “It was absolutely awesome!”

  “I ingested a lot of posts on your internet about Pop Rocks killing someone called Mikey… the childhood star of a cereal commercial?”

  “Oh yeah, ‘Mikey likes it.’ I read about that. He was a little kid that would eat cereal and said he liked it. Kind of went viral back in the ‘70s. Turned out that whole thing about Pop Rocks killing him was just an urban legend. Just like many other things, like when they say a celebrity died when they didn’t… or if you flash your headlights at somebody, their car is going to immediately follow you so that they can kill you.”

  “All of these urban legends sound absolutely awful.”

  “Yeah. And the internet is full of them.”

  “That would lead me to the logical conclusion that the internet itself is nothing more than one big digital catalogue of all things awful.”

  “You’re smarter than you know, ERNI.”

  That beautiful female voice still echoed from the distance, singing a mesmerizing melody.

  “Hey ERNI, do you hear that?”

  “I do.”

  “Any idea who that is?”

  “Without visual identification, I can’t be sure. But based on what I know from past Slayer Bowls, it could be a bowl babe.”

  “Bowl babe? Wait a minute. You’re just telling me about this now? You’ve been holding out on me. Okay, I need the deets, bro.”

  “Bowl babes can best be described as the equivalent of cheerleaders.”

  “Oh hell yeah. Now we’re talking. Tell me more.”

  “They’re usually very attractive to the warriors they are trying to entice.”

  “Entice?”

  “Yes. Bowl babes are not in the game as an officially sanctioned part of the ISL. Instead, they hack their way into the game for their own nefarious purposes. Usually, to destroy warriors and plunder their corpses.”

  “Wait, what? That’s nothing like cheerleaders. They, you know—cheer. They don’t destroy and plunder players. Well… maybe some of the baby mamas.”

  “Perhaps, I should have used a different metaphor. Bowl babes are similar to the Sirens from Greek mythology. Female beings that are humanoid and that have alluring voices. They are both very attractive and very dangerous, often leading warriors off task and into distracting and hazardous situations. My suggestion? Do your best to ignore her song.”

  “Come on, bro. No song’s gonna get me all wrapped up like that. I got this. You’re talking to a level 3 Pizza Pugilist now!”

  “Yes, congratulations on reaching a new class.”

  “Thanks. But, it doesn’t look like it brought any new sponsorship offers.”

  “My theory is the Quaxbleeb’s Cosmic Crust controversy scared a lot of potential sponsors away.”

  “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

  TINK! TINK! TINK!

  I froze. Count Basil emerged from the quest sack, shooting arms out in front of me in a defensive posture.

  ME: Shh. What was that?

  ERNI: I am not sure. However, according to the map, there are enemies present.

  I checked the map, and indeed there were red dots. A bunch of them. And close..

  ME: Monsters!

  Count Basil’s arms flowed in a jujitsu kata pattern—a benefit of team party-skill sharing, as indicated by the black belt next to his leaf icon in my HUD.

  SHIIING!

  I drew my pizza cutters from the holsters. They spun up, enlarging, glowing with red-hot laser edges.

  A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  TINK! TINK! TINK!

  There was that noise again, like metallic fingernails tapping along a glass tabletop. The red dots were closing in on me from all sides.

  ME: Crap, crap, crap…

  I spun on my heels, crunching, eyes darting everywhere. The gigantic gypsum crystals were so distracting with their sparkling reflections. Every once in a while, I swore I could see visions in them. Scenes from my past.

  TINK! TINK! TINK!

  Mission: Kill Monster Mob.

  The first of the creatures leapt out of the darkness. Count Basil swatted it down. Another slashed into view and shattered my headlamp, killing the light.

  KSSSHHH!

  I spun around in time to see something skitter back into the shadows. Four more arced towards me from opposite diagonal angles.

  SHINK! SHINK!

  Count Basil batted two into the void. I deflected two more with the electrostatic shields of my pizza cutters. They dropped to the ground, temporarily stunned. The red glow of my pizza cutter lasers afforded me a quick glance at the creatures.

  Gleamgutters. Level 3.

  They kind of looked like squirrels. Well… roided-up, glass squirrels that had done stints in prison. They were translucent, bipedal creatures with metal-tipped claws and thick spiky tails. Their fur looked like the glass strands that trail from a glassblower’s work. I figured that would make them easy to shatter.

  I stomped on one of them.

  KRINK!

  It cracked but didn’t die. It wriggled, about to get up, when another stomp took it out.

  SKREEE!

  “Heh. Easy enough. I wonder why they call them gutters?”

  “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ERNI replied, his face glitching. “Oscar Wilde.”

  One of the creatures shrieked in a high-pitched register, calling out an army of the little fuckers. Then it leaped up, and proceeded to try and burrow straight into my stomach.

  “Owww shit!”

  I slashed it in half with my cutters as the glass squirrels assaulted us in full. Count Basil slapped at them. I punted several like footballs, sending them off into the void.

  KLINK! KLINK! KLINK!

  I heard them bounce several times as they cascaded into the dark chasms below.

  Three more dropped from the ceiling, again going for my gut.

  One of them wriggled beneath my armor and slashed me open.

  “FUUUUUCK!”

  I clawed it out, tossed it in the air, and slashed it in half.

  With each one we killed, another one dropped into the mix. I pivoted, hacking and slashing in every direction.

  Count Basil and I kept on swinging. It reminded me of playing racquetball back at the community college gym. My reflexes were faster and fiercer now. I could sense the improvement in my weapon-handling.

  We chopped through about twenty more of the things, until the final one went belly-up with a crystalline shriek. Satisfied, Count Basil dusted his leaves off.

  Gleamgutters Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Monster Mob.

  Reward: +60,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Gleamgutters.

  Items Acquired:

  Shatter Slash Play.

  GlappNyrf’s Galactic Glass Cleaner.

  It was quiet again, except for the bowl babe’s song. How could such a sweet and beautiful melody lead to anything dangerous? Maybe ERNI was just being overly cautious. Overprotective. Yeah, that was it.

  This song was beautiful. In a strange way, it kind of reminded me of my mother’s voice—sweet and innocent before the darker days set in.

  I had faint recollections of her singing to me as a child, though the woman I came to know as I grew up didn’t seem like the singing kind.

  I instinctively walked towards the sound. I didn’t care what ERNI said. I had to check this out for myself.

  I reached a fork in the path. The glowing trail spiraled off to the right. A darker trail led off to the left. Count Basil pointed to the left.

  I took a look at the map. The orb indicator was to the Northwest. Indeed, taking the left path made the most sense. But the glowing trail beckoned, as did that intoxicating song.

  I ignored the map and Count Basil’s pleading gestures and kept along the glowing trail, which led me closer and closer to the mysterious singing.

  ERNI: Sam, according to your map, you should have made a left turn back there to reach the orb.

  ME: Yeah, I’ll backtrack in a minute. I just need to check something out.

  ERNI: Sam, I am concerned that you are being affected by the bowl babe’s song. Remember what I told you. They are very danger—

  ME: Yeah, I understand. I heard your warning. I just gotta see what she looks like. It’s hard to believe something so lovely could be harmful. Her voice is… hypnotic.

  ERNI: That is precisely my point. Bowl babes use their vocalizations to hypnotize and mesmerize their prey, just like a spider uses venom to stun smaller insects before feeding on them. It appears that you are falling directly into her trap.

  ME: Nah, nah, I got this. I’ve heard everything you said. I just… just want to see.

  Count Basil kept tapping me on the shoulder. When I didn’t respond, he whacked me on top of the head.

  “Dude, will you cut it out?!” I yelled.

  Count Basil retracted his arms, slithering inside the bag, as if I’d hurt his feelings. I can’t remember ever having yelled at him before. It probably shocked him. I felt guilty about it, but I was too worked up to apologize. Besides, that song was all I could think about.

  I curled around the bend and ducked below a jagged, low-hanging underpass. I had to get down on my hands and knees and crawl as the tunnel got more and more narrow.

  ERNI: Can’t you see how dangerous this is? You are allowing your morbid curiosity to override logical thought.

  ME: Will you chill out? There’s nothing wrong with a little exploration. We are quest seekers, after all, right?

  ERNI: Are you even aware that you are bleeding?

  ME: What? Oh…

  I looked down and noticed that my palms had gotten nicked through my gloves from crawling along the sharpened surface.

  ME: Just a few scratches. No biggie.

  I entered a darkened chamber and finally was able to rise back to full height. The bowl babe’s song was full and resonant, cascading off the glass-like surfaces of the walls and ceiling.

  She wasn’t singing words. It was just a repetitive melody. But in each note, she seemed to be communicating something. It’s almost like I could feel what she wanted me to feel. And it was something that I hadn’t felt in so long. I felt… pure, unadulterated love.

  ERNI: Sam, I am noticing a concerning uptick in your heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. Are you sure that you are okay?

  ME: Shh. Shh… gimme one minute. I have to hear her.

  Though the chamber was dark, each time she sang, a subtle glow flashed across the space. The light flickered off the crystalline walls like a strobe. It felt like I was in some kind of underground, alien nightclub.

  Peering through the flashes of light, I could make out the shape of the bowl babe’s silhouette. She had a magnificent body. Curvy and voluptuous. And it appeared that she was dancing. Slow. With graceful moves. Singing longingly as if she was calling out to a long-lost lover. I wanted to tell her that I was right here. That she didn’t have to be sad anymore. I just knew that if I got closer to her, I could ease her pain.

  ERNI: Sam, I’m afraid I’m going to have to intervene. I believe you have already fallen under the bowl babe’s enchantment.

  ME: ERNI… mute.

  BZZZ. BZZZ.

  ERNI started buzzing with his haptics as my vision blurred in and out of focus.

  BZZZ. BZZZ.

  I loved her song.

  BZZZ. BZZZ.

  I loved her.

  BZZZ. BZZZ.

  Wait, no.

  This was all wrong.

  I looked again and saw my mother.

  No, wait.

  It was Sola.

  Each time the glow flashed, her body transformed between the two. In the brief lit glimpses of the crystal surfaces, I could see Sola’s face, looking out at me with those piercing eyes. Then, the refractions changed, showing my mother—younger, smiling and looking on me as if I were still a toddler.

  I stepped through the darkness, reaching out towards her, getting closer. Count Basil peeked back out of my bag and gingerly touched my shoulder. I ignored him.

  BZZZ. BZZZ. BZZZ.

  With each crunchy step, I neared her form.

  “It’s okay,” I said aloud. “I’m here now.”

  As she sang, she reached her arms out towards me, beckoning me to come closer. Count Basil was pulling at my arms and wrapping his vines around my legs. I grunted, heaving forward with labored steps.

  “You don’t have to feel sad anymore. I feel the same way that you do.”

  I inched closer, her song enveloping my soul. I reached out an arm, fingertips nearing hers. Count Basil tugged to pull me back. I fought him for every inch. I just wanted to comfort her.

  End all of the pain.

  End it all.

  My vision dimmed and went completely black.

  I took one more step.

  And that’s when I fell.