It’s hard without Tomi. Sure, I had only just met her, but that was enough. Now, she’s probably off in some building, being tortured and interrogated. I lay in my bed, just imagining what it would be like in her shoes. I can’t, though. The thought of the torture and despair Lucas described to me, I just cannot possibly picture that.

  I shake my head. God, I wish I was the one to be taken, not her. Tomi didn’t deserve that, and nobody ever would. Unless they perform unforgivable crimes, but I don’t think she has ever done anything like that.

  I sit up in my bed, still staring at the ceiling. I’d never noticed the patterns and shapes up there before. One sort of reminds me of Remi in a way. A raccoon shape; for some reason, I could always picture Remi as a baby raccoon.

  I have to get up, unfortunately. I wonder what Lucas is making for breakfast this morning…

  I throw on a shirt, and look around my room haphazardly for a pair of pants. Where the hell did I put all my pants? Oh, they’re just in the second drawer of my dresser. I always forget that for some reason. I click my tongue and open up the drawer, searching for a simple pair of sweatpants. Ah, here is a pair of light gray sweatpants. They’re very baggy and comfortable; they remind me of what Tomi used to wear around the bunker.

  Geez, I’m working myself up just thinking about her. I notice the shake in my hands when I think about her. Deep breaths, one, two, three. That’s what it takes for the shaking to stop. I realize around five seconds later that my heart is racing, though. That needs to be calmed immediately. I take a few more deep breaths and try to think of happy memories. The first time I met Remi? Augh, the grief bubbles to the surface, the thing I’ve been trying so diligently to suppress. The emotion consumes me whole, body and spirit. My knees suddenly feel weak, with all of this heavy pain. I lower myself to the ground before I can outright collapse. My hands go into my hair–ouch–I forgot how tangled my hair can get. Ever since I took my braids out a few weeks ago, my hair has been an utter nightmare. It's constantly tangled and uncooperative, especially when it gets frizzy. I have very coily hair, so this is bound to happen, but that does not stop it from being a pain in my ass.

  The door opens. My eyes widen. I can’t let anyone see me like this, no way. I immediately stand and try to compose myself enough to be presentable. It’s just Lucas. I breathe a soft sigh of relief at that.

  ‘Hey. What’s up?’ I force a casual greeting, my smile just a bit too wide. I put a hand up in a half-wave as well.

  ‘You’ve been in here for a while. It's noon,’ Lucas starts, looking me over, ‘you okay?’

  I remain in my spot, stuck in that awkward waving position.

  ‘Yes. I’m fine,’ I respond much too quickly. Shit. He's probably onto me now.

  Lucas squints, green eyes boring into my very soul. I can't help but look away. The eyes are the window to the soul; once you see into them, you see a lot you aren't supposed to. I can't have him seeing through me as well.

  ‘I call bullshit, but I’m going to blow past that for now…’ Lucas mutters, hand flicking into the air.

  ‘I actually came in here to ask you something,’ he begins. I simply stand there, waiting for him to continue.

  Our eyes are locked for what feels like hours. Oh, he must be waiting on me to say something. I might as well give him what he wants.

  ‘Alright? Go on.’

  ‘So. Me and Xia have been thinking, and we think you should have this choice,’ he glances around the room, my home, before continuing, ‘if you’d like to go home, you can. You don't deserve to be a part of all of this mess.’

  The awkward smile fades from my face entirely, and my hand drops to my side. What?

  ‘I… I can't just go home after all the bullshit–’ I inhale sharply. Nope. I’m not going to cuss out Lucas. He doesn't deserve that.

  ‘Sorry, sorry,’ I step back and put my hands up.

  ‘You're fine,’ he quickly reassures me, ‘I just thought that you could go back and lead a normal life. Finish up college, work in the real world, get yourself a wife and kids. The works.’

  I take a seat at my desk. I have to ponder this. The offer is great, but it sounds much too good to be true. I close my eyes and imagine myself in what Lucas is describing.

  I would get to see Mr. Carter again; I liked him a whole lot, and I sorta miss him. I would have a ton of work to make up, though. I’m only a freshman right now; I would have a lot of time, specifically three years, before I finish my degree. I would work as a psychologist, specifically for children.

  I’ve always liked the idea of having kids. I wouldn’t have a wife, though. The thought of actually having the kids has grossed me out since I was a teen; maybe I’d just adopt. Three kids in a nice suburban house. The oldest, a boy, named Parker. The middle child, a girl, named Lilli. And my youngest. I never thought of a name, but I know now. She would be named Remi.

  When I open my eyes, I can see Lucas just standing there, leaning against my door. He seems strangely serious; he hasn’t had that expression in a while. The last time I saw that face was when Remi died and Tomi got taken.

  ‘So? What’s it gonna be?’ Lucas asks.

  I look deep into his emerald eyes. I need to see exactly what he’s thinking in order to make my decision.

  His stance is tense, as if bracing himself for my answer. His eyes crinkle at the edges, but his mouth is pressed into a thin line. He’s anxious; that much I can tell. Maybe he doesn’t want me to leave? I remember what he told me a while ago.

  ‘It’s hard to get people to socialize with around here.’

  I understand that. Either they leave, or…

  They die.

  I have to think about myself as well, though. The thought of leaving Lucas and Xia is too much to bear, but I can always call them. I haven’t called my sister in a while either…

  I wonder how she’s doing. Did she get out of that horrid home? God, I hope so. I could adopt her as well if I leave. My thoughts are starting to spiral, itching to break free from the heavy restraints I’ve placed on them. I need to calm down.

  A small, yet deep, powerful breath, before I continue.

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  ‘I need to think about it some more.’

  Lucas nods, a bit of the tension leaving his shoulders. I suppose he likes that answer.

  ‘Okay. Xia’s making breakfast,’ he announces before leaving my room. The door shuts with a soft click.

  I sit at my desk for a little longer, looking over the items on my desk. I had picked up sewing a few weeks ago, so a few of the needles and safety pins are scattered. I sort them and rise off to find my sewing kit. I walk right past the dress I made; Remi would’ve loved to wear it. It’s a soft blue, with little ruffles. I thought of her the entire time. I’m also working on a jacket that Tomi would love. It’s denim, with a few pins that I’ve found around the bunker. I have a feeling she’s the grunge-y type.

  Anyway, sewing kit. I placed it on my dresser before, so it should be there. I approach the dresser, and pluck the little kit right off. I return to my desk and start sorting. There’s something soothing about sorting little things like this. I don’t exactly know what it is, but it relieves the tension, the pressure in my head.

  That’s finished, and I push the sewing kit to the corner of my desk. Perfect. Xia is making breakfast, maybe I should go eat something. I can feel my stomach rumbling; I’ve forgotten to eat for the past couple of days.

  I arrive in the kitchen, and immediately the smell of chocolate chips bombards my nostrils. My eyes blow wide. I had forgotten what food smells like.

  ‘So, you finally decided to come and eat?’ Xia teases, spinning around as she flips a pancake onto a plate.

  I can’t help but smile a little.

  ‘I sure did. It smells great,’ I compliment and approach the countertop, ‘anything I can help with?’ I lean against it. She abruptly pushes me off the counter, yet not enough to hurt.

  ‘No. Sit your ass down, you need to eat,’ she responds sternly. I think Xia would make an amazing mom.

  I take a seat at the island and wait patiently. She slides a plate of eggs across the table. They’ve got jam on them for some reason. I make a small face at this.

  ‘Is jam on eggs an ethical food combo?’ I look up at her, then back down at the concoction she had placed in front of me.

  ‘I don’t know. My son used to love those, though,’ Xia shrugs, eyes dulling.

  Wait.

  ‘Hold on,’ I hold a hand up, ‘I think I missed a very crucial piece of information. You have a son?’

  ‘Yes. I didn’t tell you?’ She raises an eyebrow, pulling her hair back into a low ponytail.

  ‘I–no?’ My hands gesture wildly. It’s not very often that I’m flabbergasted like this.

  ‘Oh. Well, his name is Dhananjay, and he’s around ten now,’ she elaborates calmly, ‘now eat those eggs before I shove them down your throat.’

  I put my hands up in surrender. I’m not willing to risk getting beat by Xia today, no thank you. I stare at the eggs for a while, silently judging them. Do I seriously have to eat them with jam? Ew.

  I take a fork and cut a piece. I bring the little bite to my lips, and with a burst of willpower, I shove it into my mouth. I expect it to be disgusting right off the bat.

  Actually?

  I chew for a little bit in consideration. It’s not too bad. The sweetness of the jam and the slight salt of the eggs compliment each other quite well. Oh. I look up at Xia once more. She’s standing there, a small smile on her face.

  I take another bite, not just to spare her feelings anymore, or my life, for that matter. Wow. This is actually really good. Before I know it, the eggs are gone, as if the plate was always empty.

  ‘Must be nice to finally eat something, right?’ Xia grins and slides over a fresh chocolate chip pancake too.

  I can see the steam radiating off of the top. This one just came off the stove, didn’t it? Lucas suddenly appears behind me.

  ‘Ooh, pancakes?’ He seems more excited than I am. He snatches the other plate next to Xia and crumples the pancake in his hand, shoving the entire thing into his mouth.

  My jaw drops. Did he just…

  His jaw moved unnaturally, like a damn snake. What?

  Xia simply rolls her eyes. ‘You’re a child, Athanasiou.’

  Lucas merely shrugs in response, still chewing the entire pancake.

  I cut a piece off of my pancake. Like a normal person. The inside is super fluffy and looks amazing.

  I take the bite, and I just about go to heaven early. This is absolutely incredible. I’m tempted to follow in Lucas’ footsteps.

  ?

  ‘So, have you decided what you’re going to do?’

  I’m in the training room, landing hit after hit on the punching bags. I’d gotten good at it, even if the bags were beating the lights out of me when I first started.

  Lucas appears in the doorway, asking me that dreaded question. I’m starting to think he’s just an entity, appearing and disappearing whenever he pleases.

  Once the victory music blasts from the bag, I turn around to face him. I take a deep breath. This won’t go very well, I have a feeling.

  ‘I have,’ I start, ‘please don’t get angry, but I’ve decided to take you up on your offer,’ I put my hands up.

  I can see his hope fade in an instant. Guilt begins to overtake me.

  He nods, eyes glossing. ‘That’s alright. I hope you do great out there. Have you packed your stuff up yet?’

  ‘I have.’

  …

  Lucas covers his face for a moment.

  ‘Okay. You can take–’ he chokes for a moment at the name he stammers, ‘Tomi’s car.’

  ‘Alright.’

  I slowly walk towards the door. Lucas steps out of my way, but I grab his arm. I pull him into a tight hug before he can escape me.

  ‘Whu–’ he wheezes, wrapping his arms around me with just as much fervor.

  ‘I’m gonna miss you, Lucas. Where’s Xia?’ I mutter, trying to hold back tears.

  ‘She’s probably in the other training room.’ He’s already crying.

  There’s no way I can do this. I pull away from Lucas, and begin my journey. The journey is short, since the other room is right next to this one, but it’s whatever.

  I step in, and Xia’s on a crunch machine. Her ears perk up at the creaking of the door. Once she sees me, she’s up in an instant, like a concerned mother.

  ‘Oh, what happened?’ She pinches my cheeks. I don’t even know how she can reach my cheeks, since she was Remi’s height.

  I stay silent for a little longer, before leaning down and wrapping my arms around her too.

  ‘I’m leaving soon,’ I sniffle.

  Xia freezes.

  ‘Just make sure to visit sometimes, okay? Here. I’ll give you the address, and my number too,’ she snatches the phone from my pocket and unlocks it. How did she know my passcode? I can’t dwell on that for now, I guess. She opens up my notes and punches the number and address in, handing me my phone.

  I’m going to cry, I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. I can’t let her see me like this, though. I spin around and walk out, waving behind me before heading to my room.

  All of my stuff is packed into three neat bags. Just as I had left it. I take them into my arms and exit the room. God, this place has been my home for months. I hate to have to abandon it. I walk the hallways, for what I desperately hope is not the last time. I’ve almost forgotten how to get out, until I spot the ladder at the end of the main hallway. I take my bags and hang them all on one arm and grab the ninth rung with the free hand. It’s a bit of a struggle to climb with one arm, but I make do. The excessive strength training I’ve been doing is paying off, I guess.

  I make it up to the warehouse. Still empty as ever, even after months of living here, absolutely nothing has changed. There’s the little couch and coffee table in the corner, the one that I sat on while Tomi was dealing with Lucas for the first time.

  I press the button near the ladder. The huge door opens up like a garage, exposing me to the outside light. It stings a lot. I don’t think I’ve seen natural light in a long time. It’s refreshing, yet brings back so many memories.

  The car sits outside, beckoning to me. It’s a gray honda civic, the same one I rode in for hours to get here. That trip was a fun one, although it was pretty awkward at first.

  I have the keys in my hand as I walk towards the car. I remember how to drive, right? Oh dear. This will be an absolute nightmare if I can’t remember. I recall the address of my college, and punch it into my GPS. An eight hour drive; goddamnit!

  I hop into the driver’s seat and start up the car. This is going to be a ridiculously long ride.