“Don’t go into the light,” John chuckled to himself as he did the exact opposite and staggered down the bright corridor.

  The light was blinding, and at the end of it he was going to arrive in a TV studio – or at least the alien equivalent to one.

  I wonder what alien TV studios look like; he thought. There’s no way they use cameras, maybe they use hologram projectors instead? I just hope they don’t probe me.

  As he reached the end of the corridor, his wandering thoughts making his head spin, he came out into a completely white room. Somehow, this one was even whiter than the greenroom.

  The walls, floor and ceiling seemed to be made of light itself. It was eerie and for a moment he wondered if he was about to ascend to heaven.

  Warning:

  Card powers nullified.

  Instruction:

  Step onto the platform.

  Words floated in his vision, just like the time he’d pulled the lever which sent him to post-invasion Australia.

  Card powers nullified? Well, there goes my plan to shoot up the place, he thought and sighed deeply before stepping onto the platform as directed.

  As soon as his feet touched the designated area the lights disappeared and he was surrounded by darkness, it was like staring into the abyss.

  Then, thin lines of floating green text began to circle around him. He couldn’t make out the language, the characters were unfamiliar. However, something about the way they moved reminded him of computer code.

  Swirling and whirring around him, his eyes couldn’t help but try to follow them. That was a mistake. In his inebriated state, attempting to follow the circling code made his head spin and for a moment he thought he might fall over, or vomit.

  “Now folks,” the voice of A.J said, though John couldn’t see anything other than the coded abyss. This time it wasn’t in his head. Was he really here? “The moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s this round’s tournament winner, John Doe!”

  Screams erupted and John’s head felt like it might explode at any moment. Then, as suddenly as it came, the abyss disappeared and he found himself in a bright room, standing behind a podium.

  Fuchsia, neon fuchsia and deep purple trimming appeared before his eyes. His podium was painted red, white and blue, a stark contrast to the vibrant, cyberpunk colours of the rest of the studio. Ironic that colours thought to represent freedom were being used for him whilst he fought in a game of tyranny.

  His eyes burned momentarily as he looked around at the live studio audience full of weird looking aliens, the likes of which were beyond even his wildest imagination.

  Taking centre stage was a man with crimson skin, a forked tail, and horns holding a thin microphone as long as a staff. He was dressed in a well fitted white suit trimmed with golden embroidery. It stood out quite well against the neon lights that surrounded the stage.

  “John, my dear, welcome to the show!” The man spoke with A.J’s voice, and only one thought popped into John’s mind.

  The Jovial Announcer is a Tiefling!

  Cheers and applause erupted from the crowd as A.J smiled a handsome smile which showed off his immaculately white teeth.

  “It is wonderful to finally meet face to face, my dear,” he said, draping a surprisingly strong arm over John’s shoulder as he leant easily on the podium. “Can I tell you a secret John? You’ve just popped my cherry,” he winked flirtatiously before continuing. “That’s right, my dear, you’re the first human I’ve ever spoken to in the flesh. What a momentous occasion this is. Isn’t that right, folks?”

  The crowd cheered again, some of the more rambunctious ones throwing in a few whistles for good measure.

  “Now, how about you and I get a little better acquainted,” his easy smile sent a tense shiver down John’s spine. “How does it feel to be the first human winner in history?”

  “The… what?” John replied, dumbfounded.

  “Why the first human winner in history of course! My dear boy, this tournament was the first competition held since your humble planet had the fair fortune to be welcomed into the system. You won it – congratulations by the way – so, tell me, how does it feel?”

  “How does it feel?” John repeated, “how does it feel?” He said again, sounding out each of the disgusting words through gritted teeth, each syllable serving to stoke the fires churning in the pit of his stomach.

  “It feels like a bunch of psychotic assholes plucked my entire planet out of some kind of lucky dip and plunged the whole world into chaos.

  “It feels like years since I was torn away from my wife, who’s probably dead, to fight other humans for your twisted idea of entertainment. A wife who I didn’t even get to mourn because your crappy system stripped me of that ability.

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  “It feels like I’ve just murdered a bunch of people who could have been my neighbours only yesterday. But mostly… mostly it feels like this momentous occasion you’re so happy about is a complete farce because as soon as you’re done parading me around I’ll be sent straight back to Earth to fight and probably die so that you people can keep having more momentous occasions to swoon over. The whole idea of it makes me sick. You make me sick, you walking copyright infringement.”

  Stunned silence filled the room but A.J kept smiling. If anything his grin grew even wider as his eyes flashed dangerously at John and his forked tail twitched.

  “My dear boy… what a marvellous answer!” He replied throwing his hands around theatrically as he gestured for the compliant audience to applaud once more. “Oh, my heart aches for you and your kind. The tragedy, the strife, the agonising heartbreak. Your story has it all. In fact, if you don’t mind my saying so, there’s just one thing you’re missing to complete the perfect ensemble.”

  A.J paused for a moment as the audience grew deathly silent, hanging on his every word. John gritted his teeth; this was the part where they pulled back the curtain to reveal Truffle dangling over a vat of acid… or something.

  How he wished he had access to his guns.

  “You’re missing…” he said, drawing out every word like he was announcing the winner of American Idol. “…A love interest.”

  John blinked and felt his jaw slacken slightly.

  “What?” He asked.

  “A love interest, John my dear, have all the explosions made you hard of hearing? Your story is missing a love interest and I have the perfect match for you.” A.J enunciated the last few words with pauses between each of them as he prodded John’s nose teasingly.

  John swatted his hand away irritably but it only served to cause his tormentor’s grin to widen, showing sharp fangs which hid beyond his plump lips.

  With a glare that could burn holes into walls, John tried to look anywhere other than A.J’s gaze. Scanning the crowd, then the unoccupied portions of the studio, he eventually settled on glaring at a well-dressed triceratops who was stood off slightly to the side.

  At first he wondered if it was Buck, but though his attire was similar, his stature was not. This dinosaur was much thinner, more refined if anything. He wore a checkered suit and a black fedora with a red band.

  He was also mouthing something to John.

  Focusing hard, John managed to make out a few broken words from the dinosaur: “play along… show… popularity”

  It didn’t take much for John to piece together what the well-dressed dinosaur was trying to tell him. He obviously thought that John should play up to the audience and put on a show. Though he was loath to admit it, there was logic in that piece of advice.

  Perhaps he could try to beat A.J at his own game. There would be a certain… satisfaction in that. Not the same kind of satisfaction as executing him on live television, but his card powers had been nullified so he’d have to make do.

  “Hello? Earth to John…” A.J said, rapping his fist on the distracted contestant’s skull much to the glee of the audience. “Are you listening to me? Is this what they call the PSTD’s you Earthlings are so prone to catching?”

  “Sorry, were you still speaking?” John replied, “the sound of your voice is like nails on a chalkboard and I was never a good student.”

  The crowd laughed even harder, though John wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t even a good joke. Comedy had never been his strong suit.

  “Oh, it makes jokes,” A.J said, his voice still a picture of joviality. “I think I preferred the anger; you were much better at it. Anyway, as I was saying, you need a love interest to round out your tale of woe and I have the perfect match.”

  “Oh great,” John replied, “what’s it going to be, a slug monster? My dead grandma? Please, dear god don’t tell me it’s you!”

  “You’d be lucky to have me,” A.J said, “but alas no, it’s someone you know rather well. I’ll tell you what my dear, I’ll give you a little clue. There’s an Earthen saying that goes; you always hurt the one you love.”

  The audience gasped and chattering broke out amongst them, they had obviously come to the same conclusion as John and if he was right, there was no chance of her becoming his new love interest.

  “Give a round of applause for our new guest, folks!” A.J squealed in delight as bright spotlight lit up the opposite side of the stage to John.

  A blood splattered podium rose up from beneath the floor and in an overly dramatic puff of smoke Joanna appeared, looking dazed and overwhelmed.

  John knew the feeling.

  “Please give a warm welcome to this year’s runner up. She’s still the favourite to win, the woman who stole our hearts through brutal and bloody murder, Joanna99!”

  The crowd’s cheers grew in fervour and echoed around the room, a cacophony of joy and elation. Meanwhile, John took in a deep breath and took a moment to peer back at the odd dinosaur who had helped him.

  Sparing a glance, the suit-wearing triceratops flashed him a quick thumbs up from underneath crossed arms. However, aside from that momentary exchange, his eyes were firmly fixed on Joanna.

  “Welcome to the show Joanna,” A,J said, dancing across the stage to shove his thin microphone in her face. “It is an honour to finally meet you.”

  “Fuck off twinkle toes,” she snapped, holding her hand above her brow to block out the obscene amount of light directed onto the stage.

  “Ooh, I do love a feisty woman,” A.J said flamboyantly.

  “Who in the damn hell are you?” She said, smacking his microphone out of his hand. “What the hell is going on? One minute I was dead, or about to be, the next a robot is serving me coffee and now I’m… what, on a talk show? Is this some kind of joke?”

  John smiled to himself, enjoying her outrage. It certainly echoed his own and hopefully with her in the room there would be less time to focus on him.

  “Yes, that just about sums it up,” A.J said, gingerly reaching for his microphone. “Don’t fret though darling, you’re in good company. Why don’t you cast those pretty little eyes over there?” He pointed towards me and I felt a burning heat wash over me as a spotlight lit up my podium.

  “John?” She said quietly.

  “That’s right,” A.J sang, “John, my dear, do you have anything you wish to say to the lady?”

  I paused, unsure what to say at first. I’d just killed her, or at least nearly killed her. A.J stared at me expectantly, the crowd was completely silent. So I said the first thing that popped into my head: “you owe me two cards.”

  Joanna looked a little taken aback, she looked away, unable to meet my gaze and seemed to find the watching eyes of the well-dressed dinosaur.

  Does she know him? John wondered as he watched her furrowed brow.

  The dinosaur mouthed something to her and she nodded, ever so slightly.

  “Come and get them then,”” Joanna said and the quiet sound of oohs bounced around the room.

  “What a rivalry the two of you have,” A.J cooed. “Not quite the romance I had in mind but everyone loves an enemies to lovers trope, don’t they folks?” The audience laughed and he waited a moment for them become quiet again. “Well then, now that the introductions are out of the way, why don’t we get on with tonight’s main segment… that’s right, it’s question time!

  “Shall we start with you John, my dear?” he said, a vicious smile curling on his lips. “This is a question from CEO Jo Ren, leader of the Jellyfish collective, though you might know him better as the father of Ka Ren, the manager you so mercilessly slaughtered in the first round. I can’t wait to see how this plays out!”