Once topside, or side-side since the ship had been turned over, John stood on the outer wall of the bridge where he had spent the previous day mapping possible portal locations with The Captain.

  Behind him was the ship’s deck and to his front was a choppy ocean. He could already see a few life rafts filled with children and a few of the adult members of The Orphans of The Apocalypse as they desperately attempted to flee.

  More startlingly, a humongous penguin towered over them, an island behind it. Even submerged, the penguin’s frame seemed to reach the sky.

  “What the hell,” John said, crouching down slightly to steady himself against the bobbing ship. “Since when are there penguins in Australia? This is bullshit.”

  “No, this is bullshit,” Selina growled through gritted teeth, her hair blowing violently in the wind. She gestured towards The Captain who was very much alive and pointing a loaded shotgun directly at her chest. “You lied to me! This wasn’t the deal. He’s supposed to be dead!”

  “I guess you’ve failed to pull that off on two accounts now, huh?” The Captain said through a self-satisfied grin.

  “Do we really have time to do this now?” John asked, frustration apparent in his voice as he drew his twin revolvers.

  “So you lied about your card too?” Selina spat, glaring at him through the tops of her eyes, “you’re a real class act cowboy, you know that? This is why I hate men, you’re all the same. You’re a lying, cheating, son of a bitch. Just like my husband.”

  “Will you shut up?” John yelled, “we’ve got much bigger problems right now. Besides, if it wasn’t for me you’d be drowning in that cell right now. I saved your life. You owe me.”

  “He’s right, deary,” Agnes said calmly, rolling towards Selina and offering her a piece of hard candy. “We can talk about all this after we murder that unseemly bird.”

  Well folks, it looks like we have another battle on our hands! A.J’s voice boomed out across the open ocean and The Captain began looking around, trying to find the source.

  “Where the hell did that come from?” He asked, straining against the anti-movement effect that always seemed to happen at the beginning of a challenge. “And why can’t I move?”

  “That’s A.J,” Truffle replied. “You get used to him. He’s the funny talk show host that does the commentary on the big battles in the game. I like him. He always calls John, my dear. It’s funny because his last name is Doe.”

  “Hilarious,” Selina muttered sarcastically.

  “It’s always like this,” John added and Agnes nodded her agreement, clearly having participated in challenges herself. The Captain’s reaction did, however, leave John wondering how he’d gotten his cards if he’d never taken part in a challenge or boss battle. He was pretty certain that A.J did the commentary for all of them.

  It’s been quite some time since we’ve seen a good ol’ fashioned boss battle. For all you folks watching at home, here’s a little run down of the major players involved.

  INNNNN THIS CORNER, weighing in at a little over 700 pounds and coming in at a whopping 234 feet tall. It’s THE EMPEROR!

  Cheering rumbled all around them, though John wasn’t sure if it was just a fake audience effect to make everything more entertaining for alien viewership.

  Facing off against The Emperor today is quite the party of contestants, folks. Firstly, we have The Orphans of The Apocalypse headed by one Beverly_Jones aka The Captain.

  “Wait, your real name is Beverly?” Truffle gasped, looking up at The Captain whose face was turning redder by the second.

  “I guess that explains his insistence on using a moniker,” John chuckled, flashing an impish grin at the man.

  “Fuck you,” he replied quietly.

  Joining Beverly are Horati-OH and the gatling gun granny who needs no introduction… A.S.S Kicker!

  The cheering got even louder but John barely registered it as he turned towards Agnes, open mouthed.

  “Your player name is Ass Kicker?”

  “That’s right, deary,” she smiled. “Those are my initials. My full name is Agnes Sabrina Sanderson-Kicker. My husband, god rest his soul, was James Kicker but my father insisted I double barrel my name because there were no men in our family to carry it on.”

  “Wow,” Truffle said contemplatively. “It’s like she was born for this game.”

  John blinked a few times as he continued to stare at the old woman.

  People’s lives are weird.

  “Horati-OH?” Selina asked, looking around before settling her eyes on the guard. He was the only one whose name we didn’t know.

  “Yeah…” he began, sheepishly scratching the back of his head with his hand. “My real name is Horatio Delgato, Horatio-OH is the gamertag I chose. Same one I used on Call of Duty back in the day.”

  “I never knew gamers could be so buff,” she said, shooting him a flirtatious wink.

  I’m gonna have to keep an eye on her, John thought. With those cards of hers she could turn half the group to her side in no time flat. Maybe I should have left her in the cell.

  A.J’s commentary continued.

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  Joining them are two contestants you all should know pretty well by now. The enigmatic winner of this season’s opening tournament and the most recent guest on my show, John Doe! He will be accompanied by O.R.C’s favourite child, Truffffllllle.

  “When the hell did you win a tournament?” The Captain asked incredulously, “and what the fuck is O.R.C?”

  “It’s a long story,” John replied.

  “Ooh,” Truffle squealed, “I’ll have to tell you about it some time. It was magnificent!”

  “Can’t wait,” The Captain sighed.

  We have just one contestant left in this fight, or at least she’s the only one left worth shouting out individually. It’s Selina Kyle! This black widow shot to prominence right at the start of Battle Royale when she shocked audiences across the cosmos with her succulent style of sexual murder.

  But will she play nice with the others after they imprisoned her? Or will she try to make a play of her own? All I know is, I can’t wait to find out!

  As A.J began wrapping up his opening announcement, John found himself grimacing at the life rafts below as they bobbed innocently on the choppy sea.

  “Our top priority in this fight needs to be getting the kids to the island,” he said sternly, The Captain and Grandma nodded their agreement.

  Before we start the fight though, a little background information for all you lovely folks watching at home. You may have noticed that just a few moments ago contestant John Doe incorrectly stated that there aren’t any penguins in Australia.

  Well my lovely little viewers, I’m here to tell you that’s completely and utterly WRONG. You see, that land formation behind The Emperor is a little place known as Kangaroo Island and, despite what the name might suggest, it’s actually home to Flinder’s Chase National Park. A place famous for its penguin colonies and striking coastal rock formations… or at least that’s what the brochure says.

  “Did he really just take the time to correct me?” John muttered.

  I certainly did John, my dear. I simply can’t abide the spreading of misinformation to my beautiful viewers. I have a reputation to uphold you know.

  “Go fuck yourself A.J.”

  Now, now, play nice. You don’t want those precious little kids down there repeating your foul language now do you?

  “The next time I see that guy I’m gonna punch him right in his smug face,” John grumbled and Truffle nodded enthusiastically.

  “That’ll make for great viewing Boss, your ratings will go through the roof.”

  “That’s not the reason why Truffle.”

  Before A.J could announce the start of the fight, a quest popped up in John’s interface.

  New Quest:

  The Emperor Strikes Back.

  Objective:

  Kill The Emperor (penguin) 0/1

  Reward:

  X300 shards (this reward will only be given to the person who strikes the killing blow)

  How devious, John thought as he noticed the others also reading the quest.

  The Captain looked a little concerned and John wondered if he’d come to a similar realisation. 300 shards were triple the going rate for a normal quest. Anyone who was saving up for their last card wouldn’t be able to pass up this opportunity. Including John.

  Alrighty then folks, let the slaughter begin in three, two, one.

  As time unfroze a series of actions were taken simultaneously.

  Selina dived towards Horati-OH, grabbing him by the collar and planting one right on his lips. The guard looked shocked for a moment, but then relaxed and his eyes began to glaze over.

  She whispered something to him and he raised his crossbow and began firing at John and the others. The crossbow itself seemed to be automatic and, like John’s revolvers, it appeared to have infinite ammo.

  Arrows fired from the crossbow, bouncing off the metal wall of the ship’s bridge that they were all standing on and forcing all of them to scatter lest they be turned into shish kababs.

  As this was happening, but before Horatio-OH open fired on them, John and Grandma seemed to have the same idea. The two of them open fired on the penguin which screeched a deafening cry and its harsh eyes focused on the two of them.

  Lifting its flipper, the kaiju stomped the flat of its sole into the ocean causing a massive wave to rush towards the boat, obscuring the bottom half of the penguin from view.

  Meanwhile, Truffle dived off the ship and into the water, doggy paddling – or rather, piggy paddling – towards the closest raft. John hadn’t pre-agreed this move with the teacup pig but he was too busy shooting at The Emperor to do anything about it.

  Finally, The Captain, being the only one to notice Selina’s deviousness in time, turned his shotgun on her and fired off a buck shot. The ship was still wobbling though and his shell went wide, just clipping the side of her ear as a small stream on blood drizzled from her lobe.

  “What the fuck!” John shouted as he dived to the side, narrowly avoiding a chain of arrows which Horati-OH had fired at him. It had to be Selina’s second card.

  Looking towards the wave, he gritted his teeth and returned fire at the guard who ducked and picked up Selina in a fireman’s hold over one shoulder.

  “You treacherous fuck!” The Captain yelled, firing off a few more shells and missing.

  I guess this is what they call post-nut clarity, A.J’s voice rang out, followed by audience laughter.

  Horati-OH ran in the opposite direction to the other contestants as Selina cackled maniacally over his shoulder. Without a second thought, he leaped from the side of the ship and disappeared from sight. The Captain started to chase him but then thought better of it, staring up at the inexorable tidal wave which threatened to swallow them whole.

  “We need to get off this thing before we get flattened!” John shouted, dismissing his revolvers and preparing to jump after Truffle.

  “What about Agnes?” The Captain yelled back, trying desperately to be heard over the overbearing fuzz sound the wave was causing, “she can’t swim.”

  “Don’t you worry about me deary,” she said with a crazy smile. “I’ve got rockets. KAWABUNGA!” She yelled with a witch’s cackle as the rockets on the side of her wheelchair suddenly exploded into life.

  Leaving nothing but blackened, burning tyre tracks behind her. She shot off the side of the ship, flying towards the island.

  “How the hell is she gonna land?” John asked.

  “How the fuck should I know?” The Captain replied, “we need to worry about ourselves right now.”

  He was right and John knew it. Holding his nose, he nodded at his new friend and took a running jump, leaping from the side of the ship.

  Hitting the water with a relatively streamlined pencil dive, John shot underneath the waves, his breath leaving him.

  It was hard to tell which way was up as he spun around in the artificial current, the wave presumably reaching the ship and causing quite the predicted catastrophe.

  At first John flailed, fighting against the current as he desperately slapped his arms through the water. He needed to reach the surface; he needed to get some air back into his lungs.

  They burned.

  It felt like his chest was on fire as he fought against his natural instinct to breathe and kept his mouth closed. The human body needed oxygen to make muscles move. Every stroke John tried to take felt heavier than the last as his oxygen starved body began to shut down.

  The edges of his vision began to blacken, not that his stinging eyes could see much under the waves anyway. Then he remembered something he’d be told when he was a kid. His father had mentioned it one time when they were at the beach. It was weird how childhood memories could come rushing back at the most desperate of times. Don’t fight the ocean kid, if you’re not sure which way is up and you’re stuck under water, you’d better just do nothing ya here? People float, so let nature take its course.

  His dad had been a strange man. The outdoorsy type, a drinker, a smoker, a complete and utter bastard. But if there was one thing he was always right about it was survival stuff.

  With no other options, John trusted the memory and stopped trying to swim and his vision faded slowly to black.