I am in my room after the incident with my mom. Well, I don’t want to see her, I bet she is crying now, what a pitiful and selfish person she is.

  Well, I guess it’s time for my 2nd attempt, but before that, I will let myself spend as much time as I can with Hana.

  Without any hesitation I went back downstairs to Hana, She scolded me for making Mom cry but she did agree to spend the day with me.

  “So, where are we going Hikaru?”- She calmed down and looked at me uncertain of what she had to say next.

  “Any and everywhere. If just want to spend more time with you Hana”- I smiled at her.

  “So, like a date?”- Wait? This isn’t a date, I just want to spend time with the person I care for the most before I kill myself. Well, it can’t be helped.

  “I just want to spend more time with you Hana.”- Hana stared at me for a few seconds without saying anything.

  “I have a bad feeling about this. But ok. Let’s go!”- Maybe she is catching on to what I want to do, I shouldn’t let her interfere this time. I pnned and got everything that I needed, everything is in my room and ready whenever I am ready to go through with my pn.

  “It’s nothing. I felt like I want to spend more time with you since I went to the psych ward”- I looked at Hana trying to put up my best ‘I am okay’ face. It’s time to deceive everyone and peacefully pass to the void. Or that’s what I thought back then, my passing to the void was more like passing through the void and into another world, I still wish that I could be non-existent, doesn’t matter the world life sucks, it sucks a lot, problems follow you everywhere, barely have any rest. In my previous world, as humans we were sves to our own needs, we are driven by them, and we are always mitigating harm in life, we like to believe that we eat to feel good, but no, we eat to mitigate the harm that comes from not eating, our primitive survival instinct keeps us alive no matter the situation we are in, even in the most desperate of situations people want to live, it’s so irrational, I don’t understand it, I didn’t understand it them, I didn’t understand it now and I never will understand it.

  Once you have seen the world for what it is without the sugarcoating that it’s offered us, it’s hard to call it beautiful or good.

  Once all of your optimistic delusion falls, it’s over.

  “Hikaru, what are you thinking?”- I remember that I spaced out back them.

  I am in big trouble if I don’t make something up.

  “I am ok. Just spaced out for a moment. I have been thinking about something, I don’t know what was the something I was thinking about.”- I tried to smile at Hana, but she continued to stare at me as if something was wrong.

  “Anyway, let’s get going. Today you aren’t getting out of my sight”- She gave me a sharp look and then we began to walk to the city.

  In the city:

  I don’t know what is up with Hikaru this time, he is acting weird from the st time we saw each other, Sorry, I meant to say the st time he was in the psych ward. I don’t remember the events that clearly. But this is all I could remember.

  We were at a street food vendor selling Takoyaki and Yakitori. I remember I got 1 portion of Yakitori and Hikaru 1 portion of Takoyaki.

  “So, Hikaru, can you remember what was on your mind?”- We were sitting in the chairs with the back turned to the vendor.

  “Not really. It’s just a thought crossing my mind. I don’t think I can do it”- Do what? Maybe he doesn’t know this but I do consider this a date, Looking at how beat up Hikaru looks I rather not bring this up. I am enjoying myself, even tho he looks beat up, Paradoxically Hikaru seems to enjoy himself as well. He smiled, it was a sincere smile, a smile that I like to see.

  “Well, at least you look happy. So, somewhere else you want to go?”- I put my hands in the pockets of my jeans. Unlike most girls, I dislike fake pockets or skirts for that matter. Hikaru is more of a shut-in type and I am more of a sporty type of person who likes being physically active a lot. You mostly see me wearing sports pants and flexible jeans.

  “Look who is here. Hana and….. Hikaru!!!!!!?”- A familiar figure came into view. A boy from my css who has a crush on me, Yoichi appeared. I would lie if I said I didn’t find him attractive, but there is something else. Despite how Yoichi is, how good-looking and mannered he is, or the fact that in physical abilities he tramples everyone I still can’t see him in the same way he sees me. I don’t know where he came from today but it isn’t a pleasant surprise. I believe Hikaru might have a small or very big crush on me. My theory is that he is intimidated by the other boys that like me.

  I don’t know what to think about this.

  “Hello Yoichi, what happened, what brings you here?”- Hikaru looked at the ground for a few moments, and then back at Yoichi, Hikaru looked pissed.

  “I didn’t know the 2 of you were dating. Out of all people Hana could choose it had to be you. I must say I am jealous”- Yoichi looked back at Hikaru, Yoichi looked close to strangling Hikaru, but no, this was his usual face, he is known to have that face everywhere he goes.

  “We aren’t dating. I am just spending time with her”- That makes it worse, people will make wrong assumptions.

  “So you aren’t dating? What are you 2 to each other then?”- He pressed his forehead against Hikaru’s.

  “Cut it out Yoichi. We never told you this, but. We live together”- He made a long and shocked face.

  “Ok, care to expin?

  “Hikaru’s parents are my legal guardians. My parents vanished when I was little. They send us to run errands for them here and we are taking a break.”- This is the best excuse I can come up with, please, Hikaru, catch on to it!

  “Oh, so Hana is like your adopted sister?”- Yoichi looked back at Hikaru

  “Yes, she is my adopted sister. What do you win by having this information?”

  “Well, I want to talk in private with your sister if that’s possible?”

  “Sure. Let’s go”- I gave him the most piercing gaze, I wanted Hikaru to at least see me having some sort of disdain for him.

  Long story short I was dragged into a more private spot, an alley. Well, here goes nothing.

  The alley:

  I followed Hana and Yoichi, that bastard stole the time I was meaning to spend with her. I must see what they are doing.

  I looked at the alley, I couldn’t hear anything but I could see the 2 of them. Hana is pretty far away from Yoichi. When they had gone there I could see Hana give him a pretty nasty look.

  What am I thinking, it’s like I am in love with Hana or something.

  Get over yourself, Hikaru! You are not fit to be in any retionship with anyone. Fuck, I do love Hana in that way, but she won’t accept me, not someone like me, I am not mentally fit to even clean my room.

  Even if Hana chose Yoichi I never stood a chance, doesn’t matter how much I try.

  I can see Yoichi approaching Hana, he wants to put his hand on her, but Hana rejects him, like a full-blown rejection.

  In the alley:

  I am with Yoichi in the alley, I don’t know if Hikaru is watching but here goes nothing.

  “I wanted to see if you would want to date me. If that’s okay with you. I see you have an overprotective brother, I wouldn’t want him to hear this. I liked you for a long time. If you could please go out with me?”- He smiled while asking me this.

  “No!”- I didn’t know but I screamed no at him. What came over me?

  “I…. I guess you like someone else. Well, I want the 2 of you to be happy, Sorry if it looked shady or like I wanted to do something to you, I will get going now.

  Back at the food vendor:

  I made my way to the food vendor. I don’t know if Hana saw me but let’s hope she didn’t.

  “What happened there?”- I tried asking. I don’t know what Yoichi did but he walked the other way. He looks pissed.

  “Nothing major. I rejected him, that’s what happened”- Hana was highly blunt with me, that’s great. I guess I am a selfish person as well. I am happy that someone else is being rejected by the person they love.

  “Shall we go? It’s already te”- Hana looked at the sky.

  “I have another idea, wanna go star gazing at the tree near our house?”- Hana was a little reluctant but she nodded.

  “Sure”- She finally muttered after a minute.

  We walked alone on the road home, and there wasn’t anything of note happening, Well, aside from Hana being extremely clingy to me for no reason, I think she knows I want to kill myself again. It hurts me a lot to do this to her, but I got to do it. I don’t want to see my mind decay any more than it already has. Since I got ill the rate of cognitive and mental decay has increased day by day and there is nothing I can do about this.

  At the tree:

  We leaned against the tree. Hana is looking at me.

  “What happened?”- I looked back at her.

  “I have a bad feeling Hikaru”- She leaned on my chest.

  “Hey, are you ok?”- I wrapped my hands around her.

  “No, I feel that something bad is about to happen to you. Look, there is something that I need you to know.”- She wrapped her hand around me in response. Hana smiled before burying her face in my shirt.

  “What is it?”- I tried to ask her slowly.

  “I love you Hikaru!”- She looked up at me and smiled while crying.

  That whole night I tried to calm down Hana, but she did figure it out, I had to hold my pn until she cooled off.

  She said she loved me, maybe she meant it like a brother, she didn’t kiss me or anything, but I am gd to know she at least loves me as a brother if not as a lover.