Inside a small room, 5 men sit in sofa chairs. A social worker named Lily introduces herself and welcomes the men to their stay at St. Pete’s Psychiatric Institution.

  Social Worker Lily: Hello everyone, I’m Lily. I know you’re all in a very difficult situation being brought here involuntarily, but if we all work together, we can learn some ways to manage your lives better. I would like to go around the room and have you all introduce yourselves, and if you’d like to share a little about why you’re here, only if you’re ready of course, you may. I will remind everyone here that this is a private session, and anything we talk about will stay here in this room. So, please tell us your name and a little about yourself. Let’s start with you sir.

  Jack Oliver Machin: Who me? Um… alright. Well, my name is Jack Oliver Machin, everyone back home calls me Jack Off. I was born in Melbourne Australia. I actually came to America by accident, I got really fucked up on various drugs awhile back on vacay and ended up in Melbourne Florida somehow, and then I just never left. Mostly because I didn’t have any money and I got arrested for um… Ah fuck it, I’ll just tell it all. After the heavy drug use, I became a mechaphiliac, although I prefer the term techno sexual.

  Jean Madeu: What zee fuck eez zat?

  Lily: Please no interruptions, let him finish please

  Jack: Umm, it’s where you’re sexually attracted to machines. Although mine started out quite small, with like bicycles and cars and such it’s taken on a mind of its own. Anyway, I was arrested because I lost control when I was washing windows to scrape up some cash, I ended up pulling my pants down and humping the guy’s car. Apparently, he kept telling me to get my dick off his car, but for some reason that only made me hornier.

  Steve: Jesus Christ, I thought I had problems.

  Jack: Shut the fuck up cunt, it’s not like I fucked your car!

  Lily: Guys please!

  Jack: Do you want me to continue? Or is this too much for you all?

  Eric: No, please, continue.

  Jack: Well anyway, I wound up in jail, and they made me see a few psych doctors. Nothing has seemed to really help.

  What got me in here well, that’s another story.

  *Scene changes to Jack strolling through GualMar. He’s leisurely strolling through GualMar when he sees a fancy dispy for a new toaster in various colors. Jack starts out slowly picking up the toasters and inspecting them, but things quickly heat up as he starts stroking one from back to front. He gives the toaster a kiss, and starts unzipping his pants. He pushes the toaster down to his crotch area and begins humping the toaster*

  Security guard 1: Jesus Christ! What the fuck are you doing man! Sir, stop that right now, that’s disgusting there’s children and families shopping!

  *Calls on the radio*

  Security guard 1: We have a guy over here at the toaster dispy, umm… fucking a toaster. He seems completely engrossed and is not responding when asked to stop. I’m going to need back up.

  *Another security guard, big guy, shows up to assist. *

  Security guard 2: Hey I’m going to need you to stop that right now. We’re contacting the police.

  *Security guard 2 grabs Jack’s arm. Jack is startled, he was in his own little world with the toaster*

  Jack: Ahh, fuck off mate. That toasters a fuckin whore and you know it. Just look at em, just funting their sexy exteriors. She was fuckin begging for it!

  *Security guards give a perplexed stare*

  Security guard 1: We’ve called the police, you’re coming with us.

  *Security goes to grab Jack, Jack runs off with the toaster in hand and his zipper still down. Security and various other employes chase Jack through the store trying to catch Jack, but he bobs and weaves through various isles knocking shit over and startling many people along the way, but he is able to escape through a back emergency exit. Hopping a fence and running off into some brush. *

  Steve: You escaped, how’d you end up here then?

  Jack: Well, I took the toaster back to my pce and had my way with her for a few days, but got tired of her fairly quickly. You see I have trouble with commitment.

  Steve: Holy shit, you’re fuckin delusional man!

  Jack: I will fuck you up man, shut the fuck up already. At least I have the balls to share. You think I’m fucking proud of this shit!

  Lily: Enough! I’m going to say this now. Stop judging each other. You’re all here for various messed up reasons. The point of this is to show you’re not alone. Maybe you can learn how to manage your own lives better from each other’s stories.

  Henry: Well, consider me entertained.

  Lily: Okay, Jack, would you like to finish your story?

  Jack: Yeah, but I swear if he opens his cunt mouth again, I’m going to find where he lives and viote every single one of his beloved appliances. You have a video game system mate? I’m going to cum all over the controllers and stick them in my ass.

  Lily: Jack! Enough! Just finish your story for the love of God… this is getting ridiculous.

  Jack: Fine. Well, I’m here because after breaking it off with that dirty slut of a toaster. I went back to washing cars, and well, I’m pretty sure you know where that went. This time though police surrounded me and brought me here.

  *Scene fades to Jack in back of cop car. Humping the seat*

  Cop: Stop humping my seat you sick fuck!

  Jack: You should have let me finish; I was so close. Now I’m going to cum all over your back seat.

  *Scene Fades back to group session at the psych ward. Everyone is quiet for a good minute contempting what they had just heard. *

  Lily: Well, um okay. Jack I have to commend you on your bravery for sharing quite a story. I just hope that everyone else here will feel more comfortable sharing their story now that you have. Are there any volunteers.

  Jack: How about you share man, you seemed to have a lot to say about me. Well, let’s hear your shit then.

  Steve: Whatever man, that’s fine, may as well get it over with. I’m Steve. I had a full melt down and thought I was being savagely raped by wild Gorils. That’s why I’m here.

  Jack: PFFT, what the fuck is that dude! That’s like me saying I’m here cuz I fucked a toaster; it gives us no context. Why did you think you were being raped by Gorils?

  *Lily lets the comment slide to see if Steve will open up some about his issues. Steve looks extremely annoyed by this*

  Steve: Ugh! Fine, I guess at most it’ll be as embarrassing as your shit, Jack. Anyway, I’ve had some issues, my whole life pretty much, at least since I can remember. The hallucinations have only recently started though. Ever since I was little, I’ve had severe anxiety coupled with IBS. I wouldn’t eat much because if I did, I’d usually shit myself at least 2 or 3 times a day it seemed, hence why I’m so skinny, I guess. I’d get so nervous everything would just move through me. Without eating though, I just get super gassy, and it’s not normal gas either. I’ve been known to clear a room; my mom even wears this stupid ass gas mask looking thing anytime I’m around. To be fair if she doesn’t, she just dry heaves constantly, which usually makes shit even worse. I’m literally holding back probably the biggest fart of the century right now.

  Henry: Just let it out man, better out than in I always say.

  Steve: Yeah, no! You don’t understand! That’s where my hallucinations stem from. If I smell my own farts too much, I start hallucinating, at least more recently. I used to use my own gas to help ground me. Like if I could smell my own farts, I could tell myself I was okay. Well, that still works, but it’s like at a certain point I lose touch with reality and start hallucinating. What brought me here though, it’s really tough to talk about but I’ll try, since Jack Off over there was SO Brave!

  *Scene fades to Steve in the car with his mother Pam. They’re driving up to the Quickity Quack Car Wash. Steve has his earbuds in and seems retively uncomfortable, and his mother is wearing a make shift gas mask. As they drive up to the car wash, Steve can be seen leaning to one side as if to let one rip and then takes what appears to be a big whiff. His face seems to become calm, for the moment at least. As they begin to go through the car wash, Steve looks over at his mother with a look of horror on his face. Through Steve’s eyes his mother has now turned into a big muscur Goril, Steve Screams and immediately goes into a state of panic hopping out of the vehicle moving through the car wash. He’s immediately sprayed by the car washing chemicals, which only heighten the panic and psychosis. Through Steves eyes he sees Gorils surrounding him. Steve tries to run but gets tripped up in some hoses and then collides with one of the giant car wash brushes. The hose, Steve and the brush become entangled. Steve frantically tries to break free by removing his clothing since it feels as if that is what is keeping him trapped, to no avail he is still wrapped up and spinning faster and faster. In his mind he is being raped by wild gorils. He screams*

  Steve: I’M BEING RAPED, HELP ME, THE GORILLAS ARE PENETRATING MY ASSHOLE!!! HELP ME!!!

  *A staff member notices the commotion fairly quickly and activates the emergency shut down, he runs over to try and assist Steve. Steve thinking the staff member is a Goril, punches and kicks at the man trying to save him. The man deems the situation to dire to assist him on his own and rushes over to his manager to contact fire and rescue. The line begins to pile up for the car wash as everything is stopped and a crowd begins to form. Steve hanging butt naked, from a car wash brush… crying that the Gorils are deflowering his butt hole… Steve shits himself*

  Steve: Why is this happening to me?

  *Steve cries hysterically*

  *Fire and rescue arrive and they assist Steve down and into an ambunce where he is taken to a nearby hospital*

  *Scene fades back to the psych ward. Henry begins to cp, as if an epic story has just been told. Lily immediately stops him. *

  Lily: Wow, Steve. That seems very traumatic. I’m proud of you for sharing…

  Jack: Yeah, Steve that’s a lot man. I’m sorry I said I’d stick your gaming controllers in my ass mate. I take that back.

  Steve: Thanks, I guess. Anyway, that’s why I’m here.

  Lily: Okay, let us move on to the next person. I’m hoping someone has something to share that isn’t sexually driven. Not that it really matters, I just don’t know how much more I can realistically take.

  Henry: I’ll go.

  Lily: Okay, go ahead

  Henry: Hello everyone, my name is Henry…

  *Room is quiet awaiting what Henry is going to say. Henry looks around and picks his nose staring at the booger he picks and then flicking it to the ground. *

  Eric: Umm… Okay? Why are you here Henry?

  Henry: Who me?

  Eric: Yeah, you.

  Henry: Oh, I don’t know. Where am I again?

  Jack: We’re in a fucking psych ward, Holy shit man, you’re kidding right?

  Henry: We’re in a psych ward? I thought this was a church function.

  Jean: You thought we were at church? After those two just said why they were here?

  Henry: Yeah, my friends told me that I’d be going away for about a week or two on some bible retreat or some shit I don’t remember. I’ve never been to one, so how am I supposed to know.

  Steve: I don’t know Henry, it’s kind of obvious this isn’t a bible retreat.

  Henry: Could have fooled me.

  Lily: Okay, um nice to meet you Henry, is there anything else you’d like to share?

  Henry: Well, let’s see. I like pizza, and orange soda. My favorite movie is Pete’s Dragon, the old one. I love to py tik tak toe with my dad…

  Jack: You’re like 40 dude! Are you sure you don’t know why you’re here?

  Henry: Well, I tried to join the Army, but I guess I was too smart, they said I broke some record when I took the ASVAB and that I wouldn’t be a good fit.

  Jean: What did you score?

  Henry: an 8, that’s good right?

  Steve: Um, not really Henry, that’s probably why they said you broke a record. For the lowest score they’ve ever seen.

  Henry: Oh, well… I guess I’ve always been kind of dumb. My parents always said I was oblivious, but I thought that meant I had magic powers or some shit.

  Lily: Okay, nice to meet you Henry, let’s move on to the next person.

  Henry: Okay.

  Lily: Who would like to go next. There’s only you two left.

  Eric: I guess I’ll go. My name is Eric Aboubakar. I’m from Cameroon. I speak 9 different nguages and I have 3 citizenships, Cameroon, US and France. I have travelled all over the world. I’ve been told I am an extremely paranoid guy. I’m usually normal, well in a sense, I guess. Sometimes though I start to feel as if someone is watching me and tracking all my moves. It always seems to escate to the point where I leave the country I’m in and go into hiding for weeks at a time. It’s really damaged all of my retionships, my jobs, my life … I probably would have never come here if they didn’t force me to. One more thing before I tell you what caused me to end up here. When I have one of my episodes, I lose the ability to choose which nguage I’m speaking in, and it just switches randomly. So, to most people I sound like I’ve completely lost my mind and I’m just speaking gibberish.

  *Scene fades to the airport. Eric is frantically moving through the airport, checking his bags in, getting his tickets and rushing off to get through TSA. As he comes up to the security officer and security scanners, the security officer can tell Eric is in a panicked state. The security officer begins to question Eric. *

  Security Officer: Are you doing okay sir?

  Eric: Oui, je vais tres bien, j’essaie juste de prendre mon vol (Yes I'm just fine, I'm just trying to make my flight)

  Security Officer: Could you please speak English, I can get a transtor if you need.

  Eric: Nein, nein, mir geht es gut. Ich verstehen Englisch ganz gut.( No, no I am fine I understand English just fine.) Security officer: Um, now you’re speaking German? Can you just speak English, you’re holding up the line. Eric: Si, yo puedo habr ingles. Veras, tengo este problema en el que no puedo contror que idioma estoy habndo. (Yes, I can speak English. You see I have this issue where I can’t control which nguage I’m speaking) Security officer: Okay, now you’re speaking Spanish, why don’t you step over here with me

  *The security officer beckons Eric over to the desk with multiple security guards, a desk and a door to what seems to lead to a questioning area. Eric begins to sweat profusely. He begins to panic; he clutches his chest and screams at the top of his lungs. * Eric: LAN TAKHUDHANI EALAA QAYD ALHAYAT ABDAN!!! (You’ll never take me alive). *Eric tries to take off, but with his luggage in tow he’s extraordinarily slow, and the panic has stiffened all his muscles and he is quickly tackled by security. He is taken back to the holding area and pced in a cell, where eventually medical staff along with police come pick Eric up. He is questioned, but it is quickly determined they will be unable to transte since he is constantly switching nguages. He is then transported to the hospital, fighting to get loose the whole time he ends up receiving a heavy dose of medication, commonly referred to as a B52, a combination of Benadryl, Haldol and Ativan. When his mind clears, he is ying in bed at the psych ward. With the panic subsided he is able to have a somewhat logical conversation with one of the psych nurses and is able to determine that he has been baker acted, which is an order to receive involuntary psych treatment/observation. He feels somewhat relieved though, at least they haven’t gotten him, whoever they are. *

  *Scene, fades back to psych ward, Henry starts to cp again. Only this time Lily doesn’t stop him. She seems somewhat overwhelmed. Finally, she pces her hand out giving the signal to stop the cpping. Henry slowly quits his cpping. With a big smile on his face, he seems very giddy, as if he has just been told a wonderful story. *

  Lily: Thank you for sharing, Eric, that has to be one of the more interesting stories I’ve heard. I’m amazed that you can speak 9 different nguages. That leaves one more to go, would you like to share sir?

  Jean: Zat vould be fine. Zay say leave zee best for st. My name is Jean Madeu. I assume I am here because I am too perfect for zis vorld. You see it is not my fault zat I am here. Zee ozers are to bme for zis. Zere is absolutely nussing vrong vith me. As for zee story of vhy I am here, I vill tell you.

  *Scene fades to Jean walking through a department store. He can be seen slipping various items of his liking into his pockets. He is unaware of the security guards approaching him as he continues to shop lift. By the time he is aware of their presence it is too te. He is surrounded. *Security Officer 1: We’re going to have to ask you to come with us.

  Jean: But vhy, I have done nussing vrong.

  Security Officer 2: You’ve been seen on camera shop lifting. This also isn’t the first time you’ve done this. We have seen you before. They literally have wanted posters all over our office for you. You’re to be detained any time you are seen on premises.

  Jean: Vhat, zis is absurd, I vould never take somesing zat does not belong to me. You must be mistaken.

  Security Officer 1: Sir, the police are on their way. You can either come with us quietly or we will force you.

  Jean: Oh good, zee police are on zere vay. I’m sure zee vill clear zis up.

  *Jean is escorted to the back where they all patiently wait for the police to arrive. The police arrive and pce Jean under arrest. Scene fades to Jean in front of a judge. *

  Judge Harmon: Do you realize why you’re standing here today sir? You’re being charged with multiple counts of theft which have gone well over the amount of being just a misdemeanor.

  Jean: Zat is preposterous. Do you know who I am, who my parents are.

  Judge Harmon: I really don’t care; the fact is you broke the w and are being held accountable. I’m willing to be lenient though, since this is your first offense, or first time being caught I should say. If you find the terms agreeable. If you return all the items you have taken, including ones in the past, and agree to get some psychiatric help. I will drop the charges as long as the store is agreeable. If they wish to press charges though, then it will be out of my hands.

  Jean: Me, psychiatric help? Vat for?

  Judge Harmon: Well, it’s clear to me, and probably everyone else that you may be under the impression that you can just do whatever you want. That ws have no bearing on you. Well, I’m here to tell you that is not the case. I don’t have the means to convince you otherwise or treat this, so I am court ordering you to psychiatric care for a minimum of 2 weeks inpatient. I will leave it to the psych providers to determine any extra outpatient psych care you will need. That will be court ordered as well. So, whatever they determine you must complete within the allotted time. Just so you’re aware, if this is not completed you will be brought back here and charged to the full extent of the w and could end up on probation along with community service. You’re lucky I’m in a good mood today, and seeing as you were compliant thus far, except for your ridiculous cries of being innocent, I see no reason to make your life a living hell. So, your choice, some jail time/probation, or you get some psychiatric help.

  Jean: Fine, I vill do zis psychiatric care you speak of.

  *Scene fades back to the psych ward*

  Jean: As you can see, zere ees nussing vrong vith me, but I had no choice.

  Jack: Bro, you’re a narcissistic kleptomaniac who thinks he’s perfect and you don’t think there’s anything wrong with you? We’re all fucked up here man, you included. Don’t exclude yourself from us. It actually feels fucking great, to realize I’m not the only completely fucked up idiot here. You should try it.

  Jean: I don’t know about zat jack, you fuck toasters and cars and stuff…

  Jack: Whatever, I’m not saying we’re the same in that sense, but none of us here are normal, we’re different, you included man.

  Lily: Okay everyone, I think that is enough for today. I was going to try a few therapeutic exercises but there was a lot of sharing today. I usually try to keep that part brief, but to say the least you are a very interesting bunch. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just think you all may be a better fit for each other than you realize.

  *The group ends. Everyone begins to do their own thing. Some go back to their rooms while others hang out in the day room and watch some television. *