When we got home Anne sat on the bed and looked at me in an unsettling way.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You up for a difficult conversation?”

  “Yea, I have the energy, that was obviously less than I expected.”

  “I mean it.”

  “I know.” It was painfully awkward standing there, my nerves weren’t exactly getting the better of me, but it wasn’t pleasant. She wasn’t making eye contact, barely looking at me.

  “I’m sorry –”

  “Anne –”

  “Don’t interrupt, this is hard enough as is.” She took a breath and continued, “I’m sorry, I hope I’m sorry for not saying anything when I first noticed, or when I was sure something was up. No one thinks conversations like this should happen, we would, my friends, when I was younger, we would gossip about it. I thought it was the right thing to do, not the gossip, but not saying anything, or that it was the only option. And everyones been so worried about you not knowing other demons, but there weren’t any other queers either. Pushing someone is supposed to be bad but how can you know? I don’t want to spend gods know how long hoping you meet someone, find something, and I don’t know how common it is for demons, and can you see yourself in a human? And tonight really showed me that we don’t blend in, stumbling around randomly, it might happen again, at least for a while, years even, we might be shields first, people second. Fuck, I, I try not do things I feel I have to justify to hard.” I let her take her time. I wanted to say she didn’t have to, not with me, but she knew that. “Zal, have you, I wanted to talk to Lilly about this, but what was I supposed to do, say. Hey Lilly, how does gender work for succubi? Are the wings like, feminine, and no this line of questioning has nothing to do with my butch girlfriend who had a little breakdown over not being able to wear sports bras so tight it might as well be a binder cause her wings are growing, ignore that. I could never, wouldn’t, betray your trust like that but, but now I have to talk to you about it when I don’t know anything and I hate it. But, and every queer I have known thinks you shouldn’t just say this, but have you ever thought you might be trans, or not a woman in some way?”

  “I…” Fuck.

  “You know I love you, I want you, whatever that means.”

  I nodded, but I couldn’t look at her.

  “I don’t know if you noticed,” Anne continued, “but I’ve been doing things like avoiding your chest, and uh, I think it helps, sorry if I should’ve said something, or if I overstepped.”

  “I didn’t realize.” I replied without thinking. I still couldn’t look at her, couldn’t think of anything to say. I felt a little light headed, it was distracting.

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  “Do you want a hug?”

  I shrugged.

  “Can I hug you?”

  I nodded and closed my eyes when I felt her arms around me. I wanted to cry but I was too far away.

  “You okay?” She asked.

  “I haven’t even written my mom, not for a while at least.”

  “I told you I could do that right? I don’t mind, and she has to get to know me anyway.”

  “I think we did talk about this.”

  She kept on holding me.

  “So how badly have I fucked up?”

  “Anne, no. This fucking sucks, and I see why you, but I think I’m just like this.”

  “That’s my point.”

  “I mean like, it’s what works, I don’t need to do anything with it.”

  “But you should be happy.”

  “It’s fine, really. I’m tall, my face isn’t too femme, the idea of wings doesn’t bother me, and I can put up with it until I can wear the tight bras again. I forget about them most of the time anyway.”

  “Ignoring isn’t things being fine.”

  “And I can’t really, can’t be trans in the way a human can, and I have a dick at least ya know, can’t really complain, compare to a real trans guy.”

  “So you have thought about it, you're just being an idiot.”

  “Not for years, but yea, back home, it was a nice fantasy, but it was mostly about being safer, I was so afraid all the time.”

  “A woman would imagine herself safe.”

  “Anne –”

  “Sorry, I don’t mean that.” I couldn’t tell if she was mad at me, didn’t help I was slowly realizing how light headed I was getting.

  “It doesn’t matter anyway, no one would do anything medically, not even sure if it’s legal.”

  “Fuck the law, and there are other contries, we could afford steamer tickets if we saved up a little, and there’s social stuff. You seemed to do better, after I changed how I touch you.”

  “You should have told me.”

  “I know, I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing it at first, and by the time I did I didn’t know how to bring it up without it turning into this conversation, and, and I went on about that too much already. Fuck, I’m fucking this up, I thought you would cry, I was ready for that.”

  “Anne, I’m fine, really. I am who I am, I’m at peace with it.”

  “I don’t want you to be at peace, I want you to be happy.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I want you to fight for it, we have so much now, please don’t give up without trying.”

  “- I’m so tired Anne.”

  “I know love, I know…fuck.” She cried gently into me. “I'm supposed to be comforting you.”

  “It’s not so bad for me, really.”

  She wiped her eyes, “Can I talk to Lilly about it? I want to, if I don’t, if I don’t I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what if, I can’t.”

  “I don’t think I can feel weirder around Lilly so, fine, okay, but just her, and I’m good, I mean it, but for you.”

  She pulled me down a little and kissed my cheek.

  “Thank you!”