I thought I needed some time alone to think things over, so when I woke up before Anne the next morning I left a note for her, so she would know where I was if she did wake up earlier than normal, and went for a ride. It didn’t help. Everything was better with Anne, I don’t know why I thought this would be any different.

  Anne was awake when I got back. I didn’t know what to say to her, if I should say anything, maybe pretend it never happened. At least she seemed fine, though it was hard to tell, I was struggling to focus on anything. I hoped Anne would say something, take control of the conversation, and how I was, where I went, something, but she didn’t, and I didn’t like it being up to me.

  “It didn’t help.”

  “What?” Anne looked genuinely surprised I said anything.

  “Being alone, I thought, I don’t know, if I had space I could not feel so fucking weird but…”

  “Can I help? I want to.”

  “I know Anne, but I don’t know how to deal with this. It just, didn’t get to me, and I’m not even thinking about it, but, I’d hoped I could sleep it off.”

  “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

  “No, I want to be, but, fuck,” I wanted to cry, it snuck up on me, I managed to hold it back though, “I can’t, I’m not.”

  “Zal that’s not good, please let me fix it.”

  “I don’t know how, it’s just gonna suck for a while, but I’m not worried about us.”

  She nodded but started tearing up, and she was Anne, so I forgot everything, getting into bed with her so I could hold her.

  “I hope this ends up worth it.” She said softly, her eyes closed as she tried to relax into me.

  “So do I.”

  I could feel her slowly relax, mostly her breathing slowing.

  “I didn’t like waking up alone.”

  I held her a little tighter, “that was a mistake.”

  “And I miss our, time together, in the morning, the intimacy is nice.”

  “The intimacy?”

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  “I mean it, not that there aren’t other things about it I miss, but, its, we’re so close, I think that’s a big part of why.”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “I don’t want this, me, to be why you slip up on this.”

  “Just a day, please.”

  “Do you want to do that to yourself, really?”

  “Only a day.”

  “And will that make it any easier? I know how, I mean I’ve been doing it for a while, and you liked it, I won’t, draw attention, to anything.”

  “Anne, stop pushing, I can’t keep up.”

  There was a tense silence before Anne, it wasn’t exactly crying, but it wasn’t not crying.

  “I’m sorry, I’ve been worried about this for, a while I guess, or maybe from the beginning on some level and I thought saying it would help but now its fucking worse and I hate it and it’s not even happening to me.”

  “Anne, if you could feel what I feel you would know whatever it is it’s not so bad.”

  “Like how the pain you were in, when walking, standing was hard, how that wasn’t so bad. If I felt that it would break me, break anyone not used to it, you have to see that now, feel the difference.”

  “Look, I want to be able to fuck up, the dream would be like a week of eating only what I want, sleeping when I want, only fucking when I want to, getting high most of the time, but I can’t have that, and I fucking hate it.”

  “It’ll get easier.”

  “Not to be a bitch about it, but I want it to be easy now. I’ve been through enough shit.”

  “Yea.”

  More silence that Anne broke.

  “Is it no, as in, as in I shouldn’t try anything? I can, even if you feel weird about stuff, I can work around it. I have been.”

  “Can we lay in bed a while. That’s the only thing I know what, I know that I want right now.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  It was a good plan, take some time to think, try to build up the courage to do what I should or tell Anne that I wanted a day, maybe two, of being a fuck up, but I think I fell back asleep, or at least was drifting in and out. At some point Anne got up to get a book, and we cuddled while she read. I guess she wasn’t as tired as I was, I don’t know why I couldn’t stay awake.

  “I’m scared of both.” Anne closed her book and looked at me. “I mean, I don’t want to, fuck, I don’t want to, I want to give up, for a while anyway, but what if I do and I can’t get back to where I am now. Both options are shit.” Anne kept looking at me but I didn’t know what else to say. I felt so small.

  “What do you want from me?” Anne asked, gently. I shrugged, and she gave me a quick kiss before continuing, “you know I want what’s best for you, but that’s easy for me to say.”

  “Yea.”

  “And is this any better? You can barely stay awake.”

  “No that can’t be why, you know what I did, I could go weeks.”

  “Could. I can’t know for sure, but why else would you be so tired, and it’s good, living like that was going to kill you.”

  I sighed and tried to get closer to her, ever though I was already laying up against her.

  “You’re right, but I’m gonna be pissed about it, shit isn’t fair.”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  I wanted to do something to get out of this mindset, make some sort of decision, but I couldn’t stay awake, or more that I couldn’t convince myself staying awake was worth it, so I drifted off back into a light, uncomfortable sleep, with Anne still next to me.