“You still going to go to Ezrylliil’s dinner thing tonight?”

  “Fuck I forgot, I was hoping to spend the rest of the day in bed with you.”

  “I mean, it’s like six, seven hours away. I more meant, do you feel up for it, and if you do could you tell Lilly to get in touch with me. We never got her address or anything.”

  “Right, you’re going to talk to her.”

  “You can still say no.”

  “I’m not going to though, and I’ll talk to her at the thing, get her address or tell her to write you here or whatever.”

  “You don’t have to, I know it’s hard.”

  I shrugged. It was more going to the thing and getting used to, I guess everyone. Once I knew them better, knew the city better, I wouldn’t have to think so hard about what to say, how not to embarrass myself. The food didn’t help either, I didn’t like not knowing what I was going to eat ahead of time.

  It’s hard to describe the anticipation, waiting for Ezrylliil to pick me up. I stood in front of the hotel, well, leaning against the front of it, trying to think how to put it into words to distract myself so I wouldn’t be tempted to get high before it started. I knew the weed wouldn’t help, still though, fuck, I wanted to, made no sense.

  “You’re fucked if you don’t relax at least a little,” Lilly said all to casually. I coughed, choking on the smoke from my blunt, well, her’s. I hadn’t brought my own, a failed attempt to avoid getting high after the dinner to deal with shit. I needed to feel out of it, but in a good way.

  “Sorry,” Lilly said, laughing at me, “I didn’t mean it to sound so harsh, but you have to learn to not be so tense, like you were though the whole dinner, can’t always have your girl with you.”

  “Yes but, new city, new food, new people, you get it right?”

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  “Not really, the food's good, and we’re not so scary.”

  “You are though.”

  “Even me?”

  “Yea, fuck, I don’t mean that as a bad thing but, you have a dream life and a real career and –”

  “Come on, I can’t be that scary, you are following me alone into the night in a strange city.”

  “Not that kind of afraid.”

  “I know, I’m just trying to be funny.”

  “Sorry.”

  She shrugged and we walked in silence for a bit.

  “Can’t believe you haven’t seen the ocean yet.”

  “The thought never crossed my mind, and technically I saw it from the train.”

  “I guess the army wouldn’t send you to the coast.”

  “Nope, muddy field to muddy field.”

  “It is beautiful, I grew up here so I forget sometimes, but anyways…” She didn’t finished, and we walked in silence again.

  The city was nice at night. Without the heat, and with the flickering of the street lamps, it was almost relaxing. I imagined if I stayed in the city longer, spent more night out, I would get used to it and I would find comfort in it. Lilly seemed to like it. She was humming softly to herself, bits of tunes I guess, as we shared the blunt.

  “It’s hard to imagine you afraid. You always look confident, or distant at worst. Tall, armed, and a fucking war hero.”

  I shrugged, “Did what I had to, no chance to be afraid, and death is, nothing. If I fuck up now I have to live with it.”

  “Ugh, too depressing. This is supposed to be a fun night. I didn’t mean for our conversation to go this way.”

  “We don’t have to talk. It’s harder for me when I’m high, and it’s a nice night.”

  Lilly was right, the ocean was beautiful. The moon was almost full, and its reflection in the water was captivating. The ships in the harbour and at anchor were too far to see, but their lights bobbed up and down gently with the waves, like stars in the sky. I don’t know how long I stared, but Lilly interrupted me.

  “Shoes off.”

  “What?”

  “You have to stand in the ocean, its tradition or something.”

  “I can’t swim.”

  She laughed, “of course not, just stand in it.”

  I took off my shoes, but didn’t think to roll up my pant legs, and Lilly made fun of me for forgetting while she rolled them up for me. To my surprise she took her shoes off too and stood next to me, the waves gently lapping at our shines. She took my arm and put it around her as she leaned up against me.

  “Thanks,” she said, “this is a nice break from things.”

  I nodded, not knowing what she meant.