I didn’t realize until I got home that I forgot to ask Lilly how Anne could get in touch with her. Anne was asleep though, and I had another early morning tomorrow too, fucking contract work, and Anne made it worse. She was too beautiful, even asleep, and she left the book she mentioned by the single lit lamp in the room. I needed the reminder, and I needed the note she left telling me not to take the book itself as it was from the library. I wondered if I could afford to buy Anne some books, get her a little library even. I was too high. I left a note of my own for her, letting her know I forgot, apologizing, fuck it felt bad, but I was too high, too tired to do anything but sleep.
I was only 14 minutes late, pretty good considering last night. It was embarrassing, but Kidan didn’t even bring it up. I felt bad about it, didn’t want her to think I didn’t take this seriously, even though I didn’t.
She asked me questions about the book, none of which I could answer, but that didn’t stop her from asking, and it was a long day on top of that. She wanted to try different ranges but only set up one target, so I had to help her move it, even if she insisted I didn’t need to. Hurt my back or wings or whatever doing it. She said something was different this time, but it seemed the same to me, another pointless day.
I was too fucking tired by the end and I must have looked so pissed when she stopped me as I leaving.
“Do you think Anne, and you, would be willing to meet with me to talk, since she has clearance, and the people I know, who I can talk to about this, they have no ideas. It would mean a lot to me, and sorry if I’m being rude by asking.”
“No, it’s fine, I was out late last night, that's why I look, I’ll ask her, it’s up to her.”
“Oh, what were you doing?”
“Dinner with some friends, then went to the ocean for the first time.”
“With Anne?”
“No, a friend. She insisted when she found out I’d never been.”
“It’s a beautiful city.”
“Yea.”
“I’ll write you, we can find a time.”
“You’re back late, everything okay?”
I didn’t even look at Anne, instead landing face down on the bed. “My back hurts so fucking much.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“I think I just need to lay here for a bit. I don’t know if it’s the paved roads or ‘cause I haven’t ridden in so long but fuck it hurts.”
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“Or it’s the wings.”
“Don’t remind me. Really not feeling worth it right now.”
I wasn’t looking at Anne, but I imagined her shrugging at that.
“I’m sorry about getting home so late last night, and that I didn’t get Lilly’s address, I lost track of things I guess.”
“Love, I’m happy you were out late, I want that for you, us. We both need friends.”
“I think Lilly and I are friends at this point, the dinner was, whatever, but we, me and Lilly, walked to the ocean, she was “personally offended” I hadn’t seen it.”
“I guess we haven’t, it never occurred to me as a thing to do.”
“What does she want from me though, she said it was “a nice break” but I don’t know what that means, and it felt like it should have been romantic, with the ocean and the stars and we were alone and she leaned against me and what if that is what she wants.”
“I mean, you could ask her?”
I rolled my eyes at that, “and risk my one potential friend.”
“What about Ezrylliil, she seems nice.”
“I can’t keep up with the others, I don’t know why, maybe because Lilly is the only one who puts in real effort to connect with me.”
“Ezrylliil invited you though, got you your watch.”
“Feels like pity sometimes.”
“So?”
“I don’t fucking like it.”
She laughed, “I know, I mean, it’s only pity now because she doesn’t know you, she's just helping someone who needs it.”
“It’s fucking stupid, with how lucky we’ve been, but I don’t want to go through that, looked down on, even if it isn’t in a bad way, for what? A chance? Why waste what little I can do on a maybe.”
“Yeah, fair. I get it. I get it.”
She sat down next to me and gently rubbed my back. I needed it, her, I could feel the tension, but alone it stayed, no matter what I did, but with her I could relax. It was effortless, inevitable.
“Since I haven't seen the ocean, and I don’t want to spend the rest of the day in here. Your back feel good enough? Maybe we walk to where Lilly took you?”
I sat up so I could look at Anne, “it’s a couple hours I think, but I would like that, not that I miss the marching but –”
“It feels weird going from that to, let’s be honest, barely moving.”
I chuckled, “yea, and there has to be food somewhere along the way, we can stop and eat, and, yea, I think I can remember, it was all major streets, but we should bring the map.”
It was nice to see Anne in a dress, be out with her in daylight. I’d somehow forgotten how beautiful she was, her smile, and it was fun getting lost together, struggling with the map, but we found our way eventually. Last night I couldn’t figure out why Lilly chose the spot she did, but in daylight I understood. We could see almost all of the harbour and the ships as they went out to sea. The sailing ships had an elegance I didn’t expect. I knew they were massive, but they were so far away, so small, they seemed delicate. They had to be I guess, to be carried by the wind.
As we watched Anne leaned up against me the way Lilly did.
“It’s weird,” Anne said, and I could feel the pain in her voice, I held her tighter, “this is the dream right, money, the big city, practically no job. I dreamt about this, literally, and I have it and I’m too fucking numb or afraid and fuck how did I not think of this. Hiding in that fucking hotel every day and I hadn’t seen the ocean. The girl I was who dreamed of this city would be ashamed of me.”
“I thought you were taking your time adjusting.”
“No, there’s no excuse.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t notice, I could’ve, can, help.”
“I didn’t want you to notice, I still, it’s still hard for me…”
She held on to me as tightly as she could, and I wished I could do more.
