Today is the day, or so I thought. This was my 2nd attempt, I hoped back then to kill me as quickly as possible, but beggars can’t be choosers. I know have to act normally and go to the store and get a small rope. No, what am I saying, I have a perfect pair of shoeces and I now need a fork or a stick. I hope it works with shoeces. From what I read you only need to twist it enough times so that a certain artery will be compressed in your neck.

  “Hikaru, are you there?”- Hana knocked on my bedroom door. I forgot what day it is. I remember it is Saturday, but I might be wrong.

  “Yeah!”- I replied to Hana, I moved to a drawer and pced my shoeces there. I made sure to take the shoeces of a shoe that I lost a pair. I don’t know where I lost the other shoe but I have an excuse at least, as weak as it might be.

  “What are you doing here all by yourself? Come on, let’s go somewhere. Mom and Dad won’t be home until Sunday evening. I want to go out with you”- Damn it! If I refuse, Hana will get suspicious and will know I will be trying it again. But no, this time I will behave normally like I have nothing, and then I will do it when she is asleep. Since we will be coming in te in the night she will be too tired to check on me. That’s the best outcome unless she heads straight to my room and sleeps there. For context, my bedroom on Earth had 2 beds. When we were little Hana and I slept in the same room.

  “Sure, why not!”- I smiled at her, as fake as that smile was it made a pretty good impression on Hana, I felt like she left her guard down for a bit.

  “Well, I will go change. I will be waiting for you downstairs”- Hana left my room.

  I changed to go out with Hana. Remember Hikaru, you must tire her out in a way that leaves you rested.

  I go out with her. I don’t know where we will be going, but I hope she will be tired enough that she won’t bother me when I will do it tonight.

  “Where are we going?”- I asked her not knowing the path that we were taking.

  “We are going to the graveyard where our grandparents are. Do you still remember them?”

  “I don’t remember them”- What is she talking about? I don’t remember anything about them. What is happening here? Why can’t I remember a single thing?

  I don’t remember them at all. What happened? Why are you so stupid Hikaru? Why? Why? Why? All I can do is just stand and look. I am not able to do anything. All of them are telling me, that I am too young to do this, or that I should continue living, or that I will be cured one day and never lose hope. All of them don’t seem to understand. Even at that time, I didn’t understand. Now I do understand, humans are just stupid. Until someone lives with your problems they won’t know how you feel or how you deal with your problems, all of them will give their “opinions” of what’s happening without knowing anything about you. Talk about humans being hypocritical.

  “What are you thinking about Hikaru?”- I wasn’t aware of where we were walking and accidentally bumped against a street light.

  “Well, nothing in particur. Multiple things such as school or Why don’t I remember our grandparents”

  “Don’t worry about that. They died a few years ago. May I ask you a question?”- Hana looked at me. We arrived at the graveyard.

  “Sure”

  “Don’t you find it weird? We grew up together like siblings, yet we see each other as people who grew up together sharing a house. I don’t know how to expin it. I have thought about this a lot, it’s like there is no bond between us, like on a deeper level”

  “I don’t think you will have someone to bond over in a few years in the state that I am in.”- By instinct, I reached out my hand to Hana. She stopped and held my hand for a few seconds before continuing to the graveyard.

  We paid our respects to the dead and headed back home. This is the time, while we were headed back home I challenged Hana to a race.

  “You sure about that? I mean I can run fast”- Hana is a good runner from what I remember so I decided to race with her. I ran slowly but trying to keep up with her. She didn’t realize why I was doing this in the first pce.

  When we arrived home she was exhausted. I was too, but to a lesser degree.

  “Well done keeping up this far!”- I helped Hana get into the house.

  And the worst thing happened, she decided to sleep in my room on the other bed. Well, the other bed is on the opposite side of the room from my bed.

  I don’t know if this will work at all but I waited until Hana fell asleep. Then I grabbed the shoece from the drawer, grabbed a fork from the kitchen, and then tied the knot, and wrapped it around my neck. Now or never. All of the guides on Suicide Sanctum showed me how to do this. I should be able to do it!

  My heart is pounding that I can hear it, my breath is heavy and my hands are shaking. Why can’t I do it? Why are you suck a coward Hikaru?

  After 5 minutes I managed to make the rotation, and after that the 2nd until I compressed my neck veins.

  After that, I don’t remember anything. Other than waking up in a hospital bed again. And having another trip to the psych ward. What a life. I fucking hate it here.