It happened, again, at that time I still was my old self with Hikaru. Back then whatever I would have done seemed in vain but I never understood Hikaru well enough to say anything about his situation.

  Long story short I found him close to asphyxiation, it was good that I woke up a few moments before he could die. Without much hesitation I got a knife and cut off his shoeces, I don’t know how he managed to do something like this.

  I called an ambunce to our house. They took Hikaru in. I continued to chat with one of the doctors.

  “So, are you his girlfriend?”- She took me inside the hospital in her office.

  “No, I am his sister. I am adopted”- I couldn’t control myself back then. I started to cry. I cared and still care about Hikaru a lot, but I understand him and his situation better. I should have let go of him when I could, just sleep a little more and let him pass in peace, most of these things could have been avoided, but, I wonder, would my life in this world have been the same without Hikaru, why am I thinking about the otherworld when I can’t even begin to imagine a life without Hikaru.

  I know how I sound but it’s true. Hikaru was with me for a long time, we grew up together and all. We supported each other. I got very attached to him in a short amount of time, I guess I have my issues that I have to deal with. This type of attachment sure isn’t healthy or giving me any benefits.

  “Oh, it’s weird. You 2 seem close, but not in the sibling way. I guess it’s understandable. I don’t want to pry too much into this. But what do you think his motives might have been for doing something like this.”- The doctor pulled out a notebook and started to note something in it.

  “Can you expin it more?”- I was confused by what she wanted to say. Back then my understanding of these issues was very limited.

  “I mean, did a fight break out between you 2. I don’t mean to pry but you seem to love Hikaru a little too much to be his sister by the way you behave. I suspect something might have happened between you 2”- She is right about the 1st part but not the 2nd part.

  “Look. He suffers from a few mental illnesses along with schizophrenia. His mind and body are degraded by the day. He wants to die before something worse will happen to him”- The doctor noted this down.

  “Ok, I get it now. It’s a sad case, he is young, too young to be suffering from something like this. Look, I suggest that you start supporting him more, in other ways, in the ways that he needs to be supported.”- The doctor moved a chair and pced it near my chair. She sat on the chair putting her left hand in my right hand.

  “I understand, but how should I do that?”- I started to cry looking at her. Damn it!. I am embarrassed about how little self-control I had back then. I can’t stop face-palming myself for these moments.

  “First, start by understanding him. I know he has been to other psych wards, patients like these aren’t understood as well. You have to realize one thing, sooner or ter Hikaru will go through with it and kill himself. I wouldn’t want to suffer the same fate as Hikaru either. Realize that this will happen sooner or ter. Enjoy your time with him as much as possible and just listen and understand him”- The doctor smiled. I didn’t say anything, at that point, I didn’t know what to say. The doctor was saying to the past me something I couldn’t come to terms with, letting go of Hikaru. Why is it so hard to let go of things?

  I exited the hospital and hid in my parents’ car, I didn’t want to see Hikaru, it was too painful to see him like that, always hurting himself. I didn’t want to see him like that.

  “Now what Hana, now what? I am tired of everything, too much for me”- I fell asleep in the car.

  When I woke up I could feel someone pat my head, I don’t know but the spot where my face was was wet, which means I cried myself to sleep. Looking up I can see Hikaru patting my head.

  “Hey there. I was allowed to come and talk with you for a bit”- I like it when someone pats my head.

  “Hikaru. Please, don’t do anything like this ever again. I just can’t take more”- I wrapped my arms around him. I started to cry on his shoulder.

  My old self was too attached to Hikaru, it was too unhealthy, and I was too dependent on him for my day-to-day life, this changed when I came to this world, I started to understand him more. We talked more, we needed to depend on each other more, in a healthy way this time, at least for me.

  “I don’t promise anything, Hana. But I will try. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”- Hikaru wrapped his hands around me as well.

  “I calmed down a bit, but, promise me this, we will talk more and daily. At least a few minutes every day”- I was just thinking about myself, in this way, I thought I could help Hikaru, but I ended up pushing my ego and values on him instead of understanding what he was going through.

  We talked for a few more minutes, I can’t remember the conversation exactly.

  I went home with my parents that day. They were on some kind of trip but got back as quickly as possible when they heard about Hikaru. I don’t know what to say anymore. My thoughts are too cluttered to remember anything about that night or the other nights that Hikaru tried to kill himself. I think I will stop here.