This happened after my dad berated me about trying to kill myself, but at school, things weren’t pretty either.

  “I can’t believe you Hikaru! Even tho you were missing and in the hospital for 1 month you still should have at least tried to ask your cssmates about the lessons and homework!”- The teacher screamed at me.

  “I don’t care. I had my reasons”- I guess I didn’t change much from them, Looking back on this comment made me realize that I am acting a certain way not because I want to but because I am needed to act that way, mostly not to upset people. Guess I did change the fact that I am not as blunt with people anymore.

  “Extreme insolence I see. I may have to fail you”

  “Like I care, I have bigger problems to worry about than your stupid css”- I looked at the desk, I didn’t want to make eye contact with the teacher right now. That’s the st thing I would have needed back then. Maybe I was fearful that she would hit me, who knows, I barely remember the events the way they happened.

  “Get out of the css, now!”- She screamed while pushing me out of my chair, I could barely move due to the effects of my medicine, it’s hell while you are on them, I am only good for 6 to 4 hours in total, after that a wave of tiredness washes over me and I am like a sleeping zombie 90% of the time, back then I passed the css thanks to Hana and the help that I had from her, otherwise I would have been in bigger trouble.

  I went outside the cssroom and looked around the empty hallway, I thought this was going to be a visit to the principal, he knew my problem but I didn’t expect any sympathy from her either. To make a long story short the visit didn’t go too well, I don’t even want to expin here, it was that horrible.

  I was mostly yelled at and repeatedly told the fact that I don’t have a shred of respect for people older than me.

  At this point I became the css recluse, I wasn’t a delinquent, but my behavior wasn’t good either, I wasn’t doing bad things, mostly couldn’t pay attention in css. It was at this point that I began going on the internet to find people who have the same problem as me.

  I found a website named Suicide Sanctum, a website for suicidal people where they can share their feelings and be themselves, that website believes in the freedom of choice of any person and even has suicide methods posted by the users.

  This time I opted for another method, one that is simpler, the tourniquet method. You need a rope that can go around your neck and an object like a stick or a fork that you can use to complete the method.

  It took me a while to figure everything out but you have to tie the rope around your neck and leave a space of 3 fingers, get your stick or fork, and tie a knot around it, you need to tie the knot in a way that the whole rope will close in on your neck, the rope needs to be pced above your Adam’s apple and needs to compress both carotid arteries, you will pass out before you suffocate and you will suffocate in your sleep.

  2 more months passed after that incident and I entered the Suicide Sanctum website, I documented myself on the method so that I know how to practice the method, the biggest fear of mine is the survival instinct that will awaken when I am trying to kill myself, this instinct that every person has, that keeps them alive no matter what the situation, no matter how horrible it is this instinct tells them to stay alive.

  This is the first time that I am practicing this method, I am trying to lower my survival instinct with this method so that it will kick in less when finally doing it for real.

  I was compressing my carotid arteries for a few weeks at this point, I was stopping before it would have killed me.

  Now, there are other things that I need to take care of before I try to kill myself a second time, That’s what I was thinking, you know the drill already, but at that moment I felt like spending a lot more time with Hana, she deserves more time with me, my parents, they don’t deserve anything from me, not even spending time with them, that’s what I thought back then, that’s what I think now, the 2 of them don’t deserve anything, not even my mother.

  This happened 1 month ago.

  “Hikaru, please. I don’t want you to die”- Why wouldn’t she want me to die?

  “What are you suggesting?”- I am sitting on the couch reading a book for school, I need this to pass the css and not fail. Failing is the st thing that I need, there will be more stress on me if I fail.

  “What am I suggesting? Please I can’t live without you”- I never understood that, why can’t you live without me, Mom? I don’t understand.

  It’s not the same for me and Hana, I am not depending on Hana to live, yes I would have been dead without her but it would have been because there would have been nobody to watch my back.

  “Why can’t you live without me? I don’t understand this. Look, mom. I simply hate it here and that’s that. I just want out”- I want to keep reading my book but with all of her stupid questions is pissing me off.

  “If you aren’t here what am I living for, You are mine, you are my son!”

  Does she think that she owns me in any way? How dare she say that, I may be her son biologically but she doesn’t own me in any way shape, or form.

  This idiot brought me into this world just to be her ornament for her to have a reason to live life. Talk about parents being selfless and having kids for selfless reasons.

  I closed my book and left it on the couch. I went straight to my room and closed the door.